The Title, Arnold Bennett [best motivational books of all time txt] 📗

only too anxious to explain. I killed Sampson for the most urgent of all possible reasons. The Government is thinking of giving him a baronetcy?

CULVER. Not my baronetcy?

TRANTO. Precisely.

MRS. CULVER. But this is the most terrible thing I ever heard of.

TRANTO. It is. I met one of my chaps in the street. He was coming here to see me. (To Culver.) Your answer was expected this morning. It didn't arrive. Evidently your notions about titles had got abroad, and the Government has decided to offer a title to Sampson Straight this afternoon if you refuse.

CULVER. But how delightfully stupid of the Government.

TRANTO. On the contrary it was a really brilliant idea. Sampson Straight is a great literary celebrity, and he'd look mighty well in the Honours List. Literature's always a good card to play for Honours. It makes people think that Cabinet Ministers are educated.

HILDEGARDE. But I've spent half my time in attacking the Government!

TRANTO. Do you suppose the Government doesn't know that? In creating you a baronet (gazes at her) it would gain two advantages--it would prove how broad-minded it is, and it would turn an enemy into a friend.

HILDEGARDE. But surely the silly Government would make some enquiries first!

CULVER. Hilda, do remember what your mother said, and try to live up to your position. This isn't the Government that makes enquiries. It's the Government that gets things done.

TRANTO. You perceive the extreme urgency of the crisis. I had to act instantly. I did act. I slew the fellow on the spot, and his obituary will be in my late extra. The danger was awful--greater even than I realised at the moment, because I didn't know till I got back here that there was a genuine and highly unscrupulous Sampson Straight floating about.

MRS. CULVER. Danger? What danger?

TRANTO. Danger of the Government falling, dear lady. You see, it's like this. Assuming that the Government offers a baronetcy to Sampson Straight, and the offer becomes public property, as it infallibly would, then there are three alternatives. Either the Government has singled out for honour a person who doesn't exist at all; or it has sought to turn a woman (glancing at Hilda) into a male creature; or it is holding up to public admiration an ex-convict. Choose which theory you like. In any case the exposure would mean the immediate ruin of any Government.

HILDEGARDE (to Tranto). I always thought you wanted the Government to fall.

CULVER. Good heavens, my gifted child! No enlightened and patriotic person wants the Government to fall. All enlightened and patriotic persons want the Government to be afraid of falling. There you have the whole of war politics in a nut-shell. If the British Government fell the effect on the Allied cause would be bad, and might be extremely bad. But that's not the real explanation. The real explanation is that no one wants the Government to fall because no one wants to step into the Government's shoes. However, thanks to Tranto's masterly presence of mind in afflicting Sampson with a disease that kills like prussic acid, the Government can no longer give Sampson a title, and the danger to the Government is therefore over.

TRANTO. Over! I wish it was! Supposing the Government doesn't happen to see my late extra in time! Supposing the offer of a baronetcy to Sampson Straight goes forth! The mischief will be done. Worst of all, supposing the only genuine Sampson Straight hears of it and accepts it! A baronetcy given to a bigamist! No Government could possibly survive the exposure.

MRS. CULVER. Not even if its survival was necessary to the success of the Allied cause?

CULVER (gloomily, shaking his head). My dear, Tranto is right. This great country has always insisted first of all, and before anything else whatever, on the unsullied purity of the domestic life of its public men. Let a baronetcy be given, or even offered, to a bigamist--and this great country would not hesitate for one second, not one second.

TRANTO. The danger still exists. And only one man in this world can avert it.

CULVER. You don't mean me, Tranto?

TRANTO. I understand that you have neither accepted nor refused the offer. You must accept it instantly. Instantly.

(A silence. John begins to creep towards the door, back, and Hildegarde towards the door, L.)

MRS. CULVER (firmly). John, where are you going?

JOHN. Anywhere.

MRS. CULVER. Have you still got that letter to Lord Woking in which your father accepts the title?

JOHN. Yes.

MRS. CULVER. Come here. Let me see it. (She inspects the envelope of the letter and returns it to John.) Yes, that's right. Now listen to me. Get a taxi at once and drive to Lord Woking's, and insist on seeing Lord Woking, and give him that letter with your own hand. Do you understand? (Exit Hildegarde, L.) The stamp will be wasted, but never mind. Fly!

JOHN. It's a damned shame. (Mrs. Culver smiles calmly.)

CULVER (shaking John's flaccid hand). So it is. But let us remember, my boy, that you and I are--are doing our bit. (Pushes him violently towards the door.) Get along. (Exit John, back.)

TRANTO (looking round). Where's Hildegarde?

MRS. CULVER. She went in there.

TRANTO. I must just speak to her.

(Exit Tranto, L.)

MRS. CULVER (with a gesture towards the door, L). There's something between those two.

CULVER. I doubt it. (With a sigh.)

MRS. CULVER. What do you mean--you doubt it?

CULVER. They're probably too close together for there to be anything between them.

MRS. CULVER (shakes her head, smiling sceptically). The new generation has no romance. (In a new tone.) Arthur, kiss me.

CULVER. I'm dashed if I do!

MRS. CULVER. Then I'll kiss you! (She gives him a long kiss.)

(The lunch gong sounds during the embrace. Startled, they separate.)

CULVER. Food!

MRS. CULVER (with admiring enthusiasm). You've behaved splendidly.

CULVER. Yes, that's what you always say when you've won and I--haven't. (She kisses him again.)

Enter the Parlourmaid, back.

PARLOURMAID. Miss Starkey is still waiting, sir.

CULVER. Inexorable creature! I won't--I will not--(suddenly remembering that he has nothing to fear from Miss Starkey; gaily). Yes, I'll see her. She must lunch with us. May she lunch with us, Hermione?

MRS. CULVER (submissively). Why, Arthur, of course! (To Parlourmaid.) Miss Starkey can have Master John's place. Some lunch must be kept warm for Master John. (As the Parlourmaid is leaving.) One moment--bring up some champagne, please.

PARLOURMAID. Yes, Madam.

(Exit Parlourmaid.)

CULVER. Come along, I'm hungry. (Leading her towards the door. Then stopping.) I say.... Oh well, never mind.

MRS. CULVER. But what?

CULVER. You're a staggering woman, that's all. (Exit Culver and Mrs. Culver, back.)

Enter Hildegarde and Tranto.

HILDEGARDE (plaintively, as they enter). I told you my nerves were all upset, and yet you ran off before I--before I--and now it's lunch time!

TRANTO (facing her suddenly). Hilda! I now give you my defence. (He kisses her.)

Enter Culver, back, in time to interrupt the embrace.

CULVER. Excuse me. My wife sent me to ask if you'd lunch, Tranto. I gather that you will.

CURTAIN.
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Publication Date: 08-19-2010

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