Star Wars - The Celebrity Roast Of Jabba The Hutt, John Damocles Smith [love letters to the dead TXT] 📗

Disclaimer and about this fan fiction

Disclaimer:-

 

This is fan fiction only and not intended for profit and no copyright infringement is intended.

 

This fan fiction is not endorsed by Lucasfilm and Disney and any copyright holder and purely for entertainment purposes only.

 

 

About this fan fiction.

 

Originally, this story was meant to be read out on a now-defunct Star Wars fans podcast, hence the format within the e-book because it is meant to be audio only. But someday, I hope to revive it into its original intended format.

 

This is a comedy piece which is an imitation of the style of the vintage "Dean Martin's Celebrity Roasts" programmes from the 1970s except that the characters are from Star Wars.

 

I enjoyed combining the two styles to make this comedy parody fan fiction.

Part One "Tonight's episode begins as Lando Calrissian and Han Solo Appears."

Star Wars “The Celebrity Roast Of Jabba The Hutt.”

 

 

Before the cameras rolled, the studio broadcast a black screen with the introductory notice.

 

 Narrator:- Disclaimer. The opinions expressed within tonight’s viewing are of the guest speakers’ and not of the network and is not intended to cause offence to any of our viewers or the public. However, it is GUARANTEED to offend tonight's guest-Jabba Du Hutt.

 

The cameras rolled displaying the "Intergalactic Celebrity Roast" logo and the applause from the audience. The guest host for the night-Lando Calrissian-appeared from the left side of the stage, waving to the audiences and greeting them with his winning smile.

 

Narrator:- “Welcome to tonight’s special episode of Intergalactic Celebrity Roast, featuring none other than the mighty... or so he says... Jabba Du Hutt. And now, here is tonight’s guest host, Lando Calrissian.”

(Continued applause lessens.)

   “Hel-lo, what have we here! What an excellent attendance, good evening to you all. I’m Lando Calrissian, Baron Administrator of Cloud City at Bespin and intergalactic superstud. I’m truly grateful to be here tonight although I can’t say the same for Jabba down there behind me. I never thought I’d see it happen but there he is. Talk about a role reversal for this vicious gangster.
Now, I’m sure you’re all eager to see the next part of the programme-no, not that slimy of piece of worm ridden filth-you know I’m talking about the first guest in the panel...”
   Lando raised his microphone.

(Lando raises his voice to introduce) “...Captain Han Solooo.”

(Applause.)

Lando pointed out his arm as Han Solo emerged from the right-hand side of the stage. He sat down. Lando remained standing and stood closer.

Lando:- “Han, old buddy, I’m glad you could make it.”

Han:- “I wouldn’t miss it for the galaxy. I have a lot to say about Jabba that I usually wouldn’t if the circumstances were different.”

Lando:- “Jabba, you’ve got a lot of guts coming here.” They both laughed with the audience.

Lando:- “LET’S tell all of our viewers shall we!”

Jabba still said nothing, but the silent snort was caught easily by the cameras and audience alike.

Han:- “Well, let’s start with the obvious. We all know that Jabba, here, is a slimy piece of worm ridden filth.”

Lando:- “Yeah, old buddy, Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth that I bet his Rancor wouldn’t eat him.”

Han:- “Lando, I’ve read somewhere that Jabba is hairless due to several diseases.”

Lando:- “Is that so...” Lando nodded. “...I never knew that.”

Han:- (Spreading his hands openly) "Hey did you think that he got that away by waxing?"

Lando:- (Laughing) "No, because there's NO WAY that his entire entourage could possibly take all that away from bulk as big as his."

Han:- “Yeah, but I’d say its an improvement because, at the time, Jabba was so hairy that the only language he could speak was Wookie.”
Chewbacca showed up on stage, laughing, and sat next to Han.

Han:- (Jolly) “Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball.”

Lando:- “Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm ridden filth that even Oscar The Grouch rejected him as a guest in his trash can.”

Han:- “Yeah, Jabba’s such a slimy piece of worm ridden filth that he couldn’t set himself on fire to burn off any extra calories.”

Jabba:- “Solo, you scoundrel!!”

Those who saw Lando on camera noticed that he thought of something which was obviously not on the script.

Lando:- “Hey, hey, Han... Do you know why Tatooine is a desert planet? It because Jabba’s such a giant, slimy piece of worm ridden filth that his farting caused global warming.”

Jabba scowled, almost pounding the table with both hands.

Han:- “Lando, do you remember Salacious Crumb? Jabba’s monkey-lizard?”

Lando:- “That small creature with the laugh?”

Han:- “Yeah, every time I go to Jabba’s palace Salacious is always near him. In front of, next to, above, or SOMETHING, but there’s one thing I don’t get...” Han turned to tonight’s guest of honour. “Jabba, look at you. You’re so big. Salacious is so small. So, tell me, how does he manage to avoid being SAT ON by you?”

Salacious Crumb suddenly appeared, by leaping upon the table and stared at Jabba.
(Salacious Crumb laughs)

Jabba:- (To Salacious.) “Oh no, not you too.”

Lando turned to the closest camera.

“All right everybody, the fun isn’t over just yet. We’ll be right back with more, that is, more of Jabba than the Sarlacc’s tastebuds could handle, after these commercials.”

(Applause along with narrator’s voice).

Narrator:- “Next on Celebrity Roast, Princess Leia Organa and Jedi Master Yoda and three surprise guests.”

(The first commercial plays).

Part Two "Princess Leia, Master Yoda, Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader and The Emperor join the roasting."

(Applause after commercial ends).

Lando:- “Welcome back to tonight’s Celebrity Roast. Please make welcome, (raises his voice) Princess Leia Organa and Jedi Master Yodaaa.”

 

(Applause).

Lando walked behind the wide desk and pulled out the seat for Leia then returned to standing in front of it with his microphone ready.

Lando:- “Now how are you doing, Leia. You look great!”

Leia:- “Never better, Lando. I only wish that I can say the same for Jabba, here. He’s still looking much more disgusting than the scruffiest nerf-herder I’ve ever seen.”

Han:- (Interrupted, shocked.) “Hey!!”

Lando:- “I see what you mean, Princess. Now, you have a story to tell our audience, the one about a secret meeting with Jabba at Hoth.”

Leia:- “That’s right, I do. It happened before Echo Base was built. We had only the basic necessities before we could set-up warmer shelters. When Jabba came, we had the coldest weather the whole galaxy had ever seen that day.”

Lando:- “So, tell us, why did you leave the doors open? You could have let Jabba inside and kept more of the heat in.”

Leia:- “We did let him in.”

Lando:- “So why did you leave the door open?”

Leia:- “We had no choice.”

Lando:- “What do you mean? Is it because he couldn't fit throught the door or something?"”

Leia:- “No, we stayed cold because Jabba’s body is so long that his tail finished coming in ten minutes after HE did.”

Although not visible, the audience could tell that his tail banged behind the panel.

Leia:- “We would have closed the door sooner if his tail wasn’t 12 parsecs long.”

Jabba:- “Go kiss a Wookie, Princess.”

With Leia’s anecdote done, Lando moved over to Yoda.

Yoda:- “600 years old Jabba is, so old that I am wondering... why his name not in hieroglyphs it is.”

Jabba:- “Speak for yourself, Jedi slime. You’re so old that writing wasn’t even invented anywhere in the galaxy.”

Yoda was unfazed, in fact he was visibly amused.

Yoda:- “When 900 years you reach, look as slim, you will not.”

Leia:- “I know, Master Yoda. But that’s because Jabba is so fat that his ancestors evolved from a tonne of lard.”

Yoda laughed.

Leia:- "I'd say a tonne of lard 12 parsecs long."

Jabba repressed a roar just in time to silence himself.

Yoda addressed Lando.

Yoda:- “Jabba’s so fat and long that, when in school he was, sat next to everybody he did.”

Lando:- “Princess, have you heard that because Jabba’s so long that they used him as a dam at The Dune Sea.”

Leia:- “Are you serious? What use is a dam anywhere on Tatooine anyway?”

Lando:- Maybe its because I tried... I mean, they tried to find a way to have his slave girls all to mys... themselves for that day.”

Leia:- “Waste of time, its better that they use him in some other way. He’s so big and long that he’d make a great roadblock for the pod racing.”

Lando:- "Is that what you think of him?"

Leia:- "Lando, we at The Rebel Alliance know better, we don't think of him at all."

Lando dropped the microphone after laughing. Yoda used The Force to float it back in front of him.

Leia:- (Continues) “Speaking of podracing, Jabba’s so stupid, that when I told him that the Boonta Eve Pod Racing was just around the corner, he actually went out of the palace to take a look.”

Lando:- “I know he’s that stupid, because his palace is round so where are the corners?”

Leia:- “Lando, did you know that Jabba’s so stupid, that he thought that Darth Maul was a shopping district.”

Lando:- “Maybe its because the advertisements said ‘Everything reduced by half.’ “

Yoda:- “Lando, to the audience you look. Noticed, I have, Jabba a change in his entourage, he has, since last time.”

Leia:- “He had no choice, Master Yoda.”

Lando:- “I know, take a good look at him, that’s because he ate the last one.”

Lando heard the director speak to him through his earpiece.

Lando:- “Ladies and Gentlemen, its time for our next guests, and, boy, do they have a few things to say. I present to you, Grand Moff Tarkin, Lord Vader and a man who needs no introduction, EMPEROR SHEEV PALPATINE.”

The three emerged from the opposite side of the stage from where Han, Chewbacca, Leia and Yoda had come. Some booing could be heard from the front row of the audience, but that was until Palpatine blasted them with his dark-side lightning.

After Palpatine’s act, another voiced disgust.

The Emperor Smirked.

Emperor:- “Looks like I missed just one.”

Then Darth Vader force-choked him as the three made their way to the panel.

Lando showed them to their seats. Tarkin remained standing to present his anecdotes about Intergalactic Celebrity Roast’s hapless victim.

Tarkin:- “We all know Jabba. We know him well. I’m sure that all of you in the audience are already learning a lot more about him than he’d be proud of." Audience laughter. "Many Imperial officials have met Jabba, I myself have seen him many times, but, EVERY TIME we had a meeting with Jabba, I never needed to...” Tarkin held up his finger, pointed into the air for emphasis. “...and I say, NEVER ONCE did I ever