Star Wars - The Celebrity Roast Of Jabba The Hutt, John Damocles Smith [love letters to the dead TXT] 📗

need to turn around to know that he had just entered the room.” Tarkin paused briefly. “This is because I’d recognize his foul stench as soon as he’d arrive.”

 

Jabba:- “Hypocrite.”

Tarkin:- (Turning his attention to Lando) “Did you know that Jabba is so heavy... that he’s the true reason why the Death Star blew up Alderaan."

Lando:- "How so?"

 

Tarkin:- "We didn’t actually use the superlaser.... no, that’s not how it was done... it was Jabba’s weight which anchored it to the planet.”

Lando:- “Do you have anything else to add Governor Tarkin?”

Tarkin:- “I do... I heard that Jabba’s so fat that they needed Tatooine’s entire GPS system just to take his picture.” Then Tarkin sat down.

Emperor:- “Master Yoda had mentioned that Jabba is 600 years old. This I find difficult to think about, because tonight, he looks just like he did 500 years ago... UGLY!”

Jabba:- “Speak for yourself.”

Lando moved to where The Emperor was seated. The viewer could see that he thought of something else which was not on the script. He spoke in a mock whisper.

Lando:- “Your highness, do you know why Jabba The Hutt is also referred to as ‘Jabba Du Hutt’? The ‘Du’ in Jabba Du Hutt is not Huttese but actually Intergalactic Standard Basic?”

Emperor:- (Intrigued) “Is that so, Calrissian?”

Lando:- “Yes, it stands for ‘Definitely Ugly’ “

 

Jabba's sudden, loud interruption caught Lando's attention just as much as anyone else's.

 

 Jabba:- "What do you mean Jabba DU Hutt? It is 'DOE' not 'Du.' Get it right!"

 

Lando looked like he was having trouble improvising. He slowly turned to the audience. "Sooo... what does that stand for?"

 

Jabba said nothing.

 

Lando:- (Continues after laughter dies down.) “Of all the times you met Jabba, which is your most memorable?”

Emperor - “It is the time when Jabba enlisted into the Imperial infantry.”

Lando:- (Surprised) “Did you sayyy... Enlisted?”

Emperor:- “That’s right, Calrissian.”

Lando:- “And tell us all what happened.”

Emperor:- “I said, Aren’t you too WIDE to be a Stormtrooper?”

Jabba:- “At least I could shoot better.”

Emperor:- “Did you know that Jabba is so ugly that the reason why everyone joined Facebook all of a sudden is because he joined MySpace.”

Jabba:- “Are you sure that it was me? You seem to think highly of yourself.”

Emperor:- “Jabba, have you seen The Hobbit Trilogy? Great movies. Fortunately for you, its a good thing that you were not in any of them, otherwise you’d be the only character making the Goblin King look handsome.”

Jabba:- “Oh yeah? You don’t look a day under 5,000 yourself.”

Darth Vader interrupted.

Darth Vader:- (Humourous) “Jabba, at moments like this, I’d usually force-choke anyone who’d talk to The Emperor like that... that is, if I was able to.”

Jabba couldn’t see where this was going but he knew that he definitely wouldn’t like the next thing that The Dark Lord would say. This time, Darth Vader addressed the audience instead of Lando.

Darth Vader:- “As you can all see, it is because that Jabba is so fat that his neck is wider than his head. That’s the reason why I can’t force-choke him."

 

Lando:- "Have you ever tried, Lord Vader?"

 

Darth Vader:- "There is no try... But, that's because NO force-user could strangle anyone with a neck 12 parsecs wide."

 

Lando:- "Your Highness, correct me if I'm wrong, but, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

 

Emperor:- (Looking toward Jabba) "Yes, it is not often that I get to roast someone who's uglier than me." The audience howled laughing in disbelief at The Emperor's honest words toward Jabba.

Lando pressed his earpiece to listen to another message from the producers.

Lando:- “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another message from one of our sponsors. We’ll be right back with more of Jabba... (Looked toward the Hutt, noting his size) ...if at all possible... (Audience laughter) ...and our mystery guest.”

(Applause and music).

 

(Second commercial plays).

Part Three "The mystery guest and the end of the show."

 

(Music and applause after the second commercial ended).

Lando:- “Welcome back to tonight’s Intergalactic Celebrity Roast. We have now reached the point where we’ll meet our mystery guest. OH YEAH, do we have more good, juicy details about Jabba coming up this time... let's all make welcome, BIB FORTUNA.”

   After Jabba's Major-domo made his appearance and took his place on the stage, he addressed, not Lando but, the audience. Almost as if he was about to protest about the jokes made about his employer.

 

 

Bib Fortuna:- (Serious voice) "Throughout tonight's episode, I've heard every terrible thing each of them said about my master, the mighty Jabba. All I can say to that is... (then changed his voice tone to that of a joyful one) ...congratulations!! They couldn't be more accurate." Audience laughed. Bib Fortuna continued. "And this includes the ugliest details... (Then deliberately paused to gain the attention of the audience) well, here's more."

 

 

(Audience laughter)

 

Bib Fortuna:- "We were on a transport on Coruscant. Jabba said to a little boy: 'Why don't you be a gentleman and give a lady your seat?' And the boy replied: 'Why don't YOU be a gentleman and give TWENTY ladies your seat.' " The audience laughed longer than in any part of tonight's programme.
   "At the end of that day, Jabba and I were on a cruise ship. The ancient, luxurious types which float on water just like the times before repulsor technology. We were there to negotiate a deal with a supplier. after the deal had been done, the ship's Captain approached Jabba and said: 'Jabba, the ship is unbalanced and sinking into the water on one side.' Then Jabba responded: 'Well, what do you want me to do about it? You can't expect me to jump overboard.' The Captain said: 'No, we want you to move to the middle.' "

   (Audience laughter)

 

Lando improvised "There's a saying, how does it go again? Give someone an inch and they think that they're a ruler? Well give Jabba an inch and he'd be exactly 12 parsecs."

   He and Bib Fortuna laughed.

   Bib Fortuna: "They say that Mos Eisley is full of scum and villainy. Well, that's true... only the difference tonight is that only one of them is here on tonight's show." Pointing his head to Jabba as he still looked at the audience.

 

   Jabba pounded the panel with his great strength. It’s a wonder how it didn’t shatter. Everyone became stunned into silence and then Jabba roared with fury.

Jabba:- “This has gone far enough. Bring me the producers of this program. They’ll pay for this outrage.”
The mighty Jabba slithered away and disappeared into the side of the studio.

 

Leia:- “It’s not over yet.” Was the only thing breaking the silence except for the next thing that Lando had to say.

 

Lando:- "I've got a baaad feeling about this.

   For the next few minutes, mumbling could be heard among the audience. Reports of viewers calling the station from their homes came through. Answers to their questions started to be read out live.

 

Suddenly, all cameras ceased filming. Everyone watching the programme from home or anywhere else could only see a blank screen and eventually heard the sound of a huge explosion.

 

Narrator:- “Due to technical difficulties, the network is unable to continue transmission of any more programs until further notice. We apologize for any inconvenience caused.”

Imprint

Publication Date: 11-06-2021

All Rights Reserved