The Divine Comedy MMIX, Walt Sautter [e book reading free .txt] 📗

will all think she's a Muslim! We've got to come up with someone a little more hip. Somebody more with it.
Gabriele, that's going to be your job again.
(God snaps His fingers and Gabrielle disappears
Gabrielle finds himself on Earth in his quest to find a virgin. He suddenly appears in San Francisco in the middle of the Gay Pride Parade.)
PARADE MARCHER
(Dressed in a bikini top and bottom and wearing a plumed headdress and dancing to the blaring disco music in the background)
"Hey Honey, how did you do that anyway? All of a sudden, here you are! You're a cutie too!"
(as they continue to march)
"And where did you get that costume? Those wings, they look so real!
What are you suppose to be - Cupid or something? But let me tell Honey you gotta fix that robe thing. You gotta get more skin going if you're going get a guy here. And where's the bow and arrow thing anyway?"
GABRIELE
"I'm here to find a virgin."
PARADE MARCHER
"Aren't we all!
But I don't think it going to happen around here if you know what I mean."
GABRIELE
"No you don't understand. I was sent here by God to find a virgin."
PARADE MARCHER
"Hey Honey, that's a beautiful line but I really don't think it's going work. You gotta be more creative. That one has been used by more preachers and priests than you can shake a dick - I mean stick - at!"
GABRIELE
(Gabrielle stops and shouts as the Marcher turns away and continues to dance down the street with the parade leaving Gabrielle standing alone as the parade line passes)

"No, God really sent me. I really mean it!"
PARADE MARCHER
(the Marcher shouts back)

"Sure you do. Sure you do."
NARRATOR
"What's a angel to do? It looks like the job of finding a virgin is going to be a lot harder this time around."
GABRIELE
(Muttering to himself)
"I can see already this is not going work. Let me call the Boss."
(Gabrielle encounters a second marcher)
"Is there a pay phone around here?"
MARCHER NUMBER 2
"Sure sweetie. Down the street and to the right."
(Gabrielle makes his way to the phone to find it with the hand piece cut off. A parade watcher interrupts him as he is staring at the useless pay phone)
PARADE WATCHER
(In an affected voice)
"Need to make a call? It's not going happen on that. How about I let you use my cell?"
GABRIELE
"God bless you."
PARADE WATCHER
(as he hands the phone to Gabrielle)

"Thank you but I don't think so."
(Gabrielle dials the number G-O-D-1-A-N-D-O-N-L-Y-1)
VOICE ON THE OTHER END
"Thank you for calling GOD1ANDONLY1. Please listen to the following since our menu has changed. For the Father press 1, for Jesus, press 2 for the Holy Ghost press 3, for Saint Peter press..."
(Gabrielle presses 1)
VOICE ON THE OTHER END
"Please be advised that all calls are recorded for training purposes only."
(A busy signal comes from the phone. Gabrielle pushes the operator button)
OPERATOR
"That line is very busy. Let's see today is the Mega Ball Lottery drawing. Always lots of prayers coming in on that day.
Would you like to leave a voice message?"
GABRIELE
"O.K."
(in a disgusted tone)
"God - this is Gabriele.
GOD
(in a loud voice)
"I know! I know who it is. You've got to remember - I know everything! I know everyone who calls - always!"
(in a whisper)
"I've got caller ID."
GABRIELE

“Things aren't working out that good. You gotta beam me back up. I'm here in San Fran. Exactly where I'm not sure but you can find me on the GPS."
(Gabrielle hangs up the phone and hands it back to the owner)
PARADE WATCHER
"So are you new in town?"
(suddenly Gabrielle vanishes in front of the startled Parade Watcher)

ACT II

Back in God's Palace
(Gabriele appears tired and frustrated)
GABRIELE
"Like I told you on the phone - this virgin thing -"
(Gabrielle is interrupted by JC)
JESUS
"You know, maybe we shouldn't go the same route as before anyway. The last time I was born on Christmas and then I had to kind of just hang around for thirty years until I could start to get things going.
A lot of wasted time and very boring!
I say this time we hit the ground running!"
GOD
"I think maybe you're right. This time we'll send you down full-grown.
Now, let's see, last time you started at thirty. Today, from what I hear, sixty is the new fifty and fifty is the new forty and so on. So, I guess we'll make you- oh - thirty-five to be on the safe side. What do you think?"
JESUS
"Well, that sounds pretty good but I've seen some of the thirty- five year olds and a lot of them aren't too pretty. The obesity epidemic and all. I'll go for the thirty-five deal but you gotta send me down in good shape and I want a membership in New York Sport's Club included! And just in case, sign me up for Nutrisystem too!"
GOD
"I suppose you'll want a 'Life Lift' too?"
JESUS
"If it comes with the package? Then, sure, why not!"
GOD
"Ok, then it's settled. Get your stuff together and we'll set you down tomorrow."
JESUS
"What stuff. You expect me to wear that old robe and sandals that I had before - do you? As a matter of fact, I think I left all that stuff behind after the Ascension. I haven't looked at that painting of me ascending in a long time but I seem to remember that I wasn't wearing the robe and sandal set then. All I had was a loincloth. Not too hip!

I definitely need new threads. I gotta fit in so I can talk to my peeps.
How about a MasterCard?"
GOD
"Threads. Peeps. What's going on here?"
JESUS
"I've got to practice my lingo so I can fit in with the homies right from the get go. You know the old 'thees and thys stuff' are definitely really old school now."
GOD
"Okay. Okay. Be here tomorrow morning at six"
JESUS
"Come on Dad! I haven't up at six in centuries. Just because you have to be up early to make sure the sun rises and stuff doesn't mean that I should. How about ten?"
GOD
"Alright."
(muttering to himself)
"What parents won't do for their kids these days!"
(the next morning at ten o'clock in God's Palace)
GOD
"Well, are you two ready?"
JESUS
"You two?"
GOD
"You and Gab."
JESUS
"What!
Are you sending him along to keep an eye on me?"
GOD
"Urr - Well, kinda"
JESUS
"Maybe you should have thought of that last time!
All right! Let's go."
(Jesus motions to Gabrielle, God waves his hand and they both disappear)
(they both appear on Earth)
GABRIELE
"Where the heaven are we?"
JESUS
"I'm not really sure. With all this new technology anything can happen. You just can't trust electronics.
The last time I sent my halo in to be fixed they sent it back and then the charger didn't work.
(with a sigh)
Then I had to resend it. It was still on warranty but the postage was killing me.

Well, I think the first thing we have to do is get a bunch of homies together - you know - disciples.
But this time fishermen are out! Did you ever hang around with those guys?"
GABRIELE
"No, not really."
JESUS
"The smell is awful!
And to make it worst, they're always talking about how big this fish was and that fish was and how they almost caught Jaws.
It's hard to deal with day after day after day. Frankly, it gets boring real fast!"
(Gabriele bends down and picks up a discarded newspaper from the street)
GABRIELE
"Hey! Look here.
'Unemployment Rate Reaches 8 Percent' - we should be able to round up some apostles in no time."
JESUS
"Let me see that."
(He reads the article at light speed - of course)
JESUS
"Let's get down to the Unemployment Office pronto. There's probably a zillion guys there looking for work."
GABRIELE
"How many do you think we'll need?"
JESUS
"Last time we had thirteen. I'm including Judas of course.
Let me see - the biggest crowd we ever had was about five thousand and that was with a free meal. That was the 'Sermon on the Mount' gig.
These days five thousand is nothing. A Jimmy Swaggart rally could draw that now.
I don't want to do those dinner- theater crowds any more.
I'm thinking more like the Billy Graham Crusade type this time.
I think we need more front men to get the word out and really advertise.
Let's find that office"
(Jesus walks up to a car stopped at the light and taps on the window - the driver cracks the window slightly)
JESUS
"Excuse me.."
DRIVER
"No handouts pal.
Get a haircut and shave and job.
You bums make me sick!"
(he rolls up the window and speeds off as the light changes)
JESUS
"Well, so much for the meek inheriting the Earth. I guess that's one beatitude I'll have to change."
GABRIELE
"Hey. Wait a minute. I think I see a sign down the street by that line of people.
'Department of Labor and Workforce Development' - that must be it."
(they walk down the street and approach several men at the end of the line)
GABRIELE
"Hi fellows. My name's Gabriele and this is the Messiah. We've just come to Earth - this is our second time here - and we're looking to hire some disciples. Are any of you guys interested?"
(there is no response and Gabriele continues)
GABRIELE
"Well, what do you say?"
FIRST MAN IN LINE
"No habla Engles"
JESUS
"Oh, he speaks Spanish. I’ll speak to him in Spanish."
GABRIELE
"I didn't know you spoke Spanish."
JESUS
"Of course! I can speak any language - well except - Ebonics always gave me a little trouble."
JESUS (IN SPANISH)
"Listen Hombres, here’s what he said - his name is Gabriele - like the Angel Gabriele and I'm the Messiah. What's your name?"
FIRST MAN IN LINE
"Jesus."
JESUS
"No. No. My name is Jesus."
JESUS (IN ENGLISH TO GABRIELE)
" I guess my Spanish needs some work. Let me try this again."
JESUS (IN SPANISH)
My name is Jesus. What is your name?"
FIRST MAN IN LINE
"Jesus."
JESUS (IN ENGLISH TO GABRIELE)
"I'm getting no where with this guy. I'll just call him 'primer hombre en la línea'.
Hmm - That's a bit long.
OK just 'primer hombre'."
JESUS (IN SPANISH)
"OK, Hombre Primer how would you and your amigos like a job with Gab and myself.
You'll be kind of our Hispanic community organizer. Get the Latino crowd together. Promote our events. Hand out flyers. Make sure the sound system is working right. Hand out the free tacos at the show. Help clean up after.
You know - kind of like our roadie
No landscaping. Promise!"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"What's the hourly?"
JESUS
"What were you making at your last job? Now, tell me the truth. Remember, I'm the Messiah. I'll know if you're lying. And even worst I'll mark it down as a mortal sin!"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Salario mínimo - and no time and half for overtime and no bennies.
That was under the table - no taxman."
JESUS
"I can beat that! How about eight denarius an hour?"
HOMBRE PRIMER
"Eight what?"
GABRIELE
"Master - they don't use denarius any more!"
JESUS (IN AN ANNOYED TONE)
"I knew that! I