Alphabet Slave, Kaila Carper [top android ebook reader txt] 📗

to much music because it makes me angry. So this is who I am now. Its not like I became this way by choice. I wish I could be like I was. Yet things can’t just go back. I am not going to therapy or anything… That would make it worse. It would be like forcing me to speak about my problems. Which I can barely mention my problems to myself. I have been avoiding mentioning it… my mind still has not come to terms with it.
The counselors door is open when I finally get there. I can hear faint mumbling and clicks on a keyboard. He must be working on something. Should I interrupt? Maybe if I knock on the door.

‘Come in whoever is out there.’

Well so much for knocking. He must have good hearing. I shuffle in wary of what to do. All I have to do is get in and out. No more chitchatting we are not buddies. We are not friends, comrades, maybe acquaintances but that’s it. There is no one else in here I chose a good time.

‘What do you need?’

He sounds a little rude but I am going to overlook that. He may be having a bad day. I can understand that at least.

‘I um… I um…’

My voice shakes and wavers slightly. Can I even speak? This is so stupid, my body does not even work right anymore.

‘Speak up.’

He is a little commanding. I just need to ask and that’s all.

‘I was um… wondering…’

I scratch the back of my head. Calm this is nothing. No emotions… nothing blank face.

‘… do you think it is possible for me to graduate early?’

He finally looks up at me. I arch my eyebrow. If I can put on this mask then maybe I can get through this. Maybe I would be better off dead. I should be dead instead… then there would be no more chance of that happening again. Suddenly I feel like curling up into a ball. Not this feeling again. I have dealt with this for months. I keep myself standing straight up instead of doubling over like I desperately want to do.

‘Do you have all your credits? All the required classes? Are you sure you want to? Are you going to college?’

I tilt my head and beat my foot on the floor. How to address this exactly. I move forward more until I am a few feet from his desk. He eyes me carefully. He must be assessing me right now. Don’t worry Mr. Counselor I am not going to hurt you. Its not like I have turned delinquent. Well not exactly…

‘I have all my credits needed as well as all the required classes. I have four years of English already and almost a half more. I have four years of math already and three years of science and a quarter if that counts. As well as two years of social sciences. I am quite certain I want to graduate as soon as possible. I am going to a college far away I have already been accepted.’

Should he not know about all of this? He is the counselor he should have these files on hand. I feel like I explained things to much. I will not tell anyone about this. This is my little secret. No one will know… and no one will know where I am going to college either. If they knew they might try to harass me more. Even more than they are trying now. It does not bother me so much but it is quite distracting.

‘Okay let me see what I can do… are you going to stay until the end of the semester. We have to open windows, and one is the end of the semester the other is a little earlier.’

I would rather be out of here as soon as possible.

‘Can I take the earlier one?’

The faster I am away from here the more relieved I will feel. Maybe you could call this escaping but oh well. Yes I am a coward and I am escaping from my problems. What else can I do? Its not like I can clearly decide. My mind is not totally here anymore. It comes and goes with the moments. He nods his head and turns to his computer. What do I do? Should I stand here.

‘That gives you two weeks then. I will inform all your teachers.’

I can’t let that happen. No one must know. If the teachers know everyone will know. That’s… even him he will know… I can’t not. My throat goes dry.

‘Can you please not tell them.’

I swallow around a lump in my throat. Calm maybe I can convince him no to tell them. Or maybe tell them the day before I leave. By then I can be gone and out of here. I will have everything packed by then. I am not taking much with me. I am going to burn my journal definitely. It has to much in it. He turns back to me and eyes me more. What is wrong with this guy. Does he have eye problems? If so then he should get glasses not squint more at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel like he is examining me… like him. I shudder with this thought and look away.

‘Fine, but I will have to tell them something.’

Huh? Can he see what I am feeling? Does he understand? No that’s not possible… how could he understand? Did he go through something similar?

‘You should not hold things in. It is bad for your body.’

My lip quivers a little but I stop it. Maybe he does see what I am feeling. He looks away finally. I clear my throat. Well I guess I should get to lunch. Or maybe I will just go hide out somewhere. I don’t want to see anyone else today. This has used up my patience and confidence.

‘Thank you.’

My voice is whispered and sounds as if a breeze just came through here. Its kind of scary. Almost like a ghost of my old voice. I turn around and half run out of his office. I did not think it would be that easy. I am glad it was that easy. The most difficult part was speaking. I may get called back to his office. Who knows I may have to sign some papers. Where should I go? I don’t want to go outside. I stop halfway down the hallway. There is no where to go. I slump down the wall and sit on the floor. I am pathetic. What happened to my anger and betrayal? I bring my legs up close to me. There is no longer a person here… not even half of a person. I lost that… literally almost. I lay my head down on my knees. Who am I? I can not even answer that anymore. I feel as if I am running after something I can not catch. It is like knowing you will never reach your destination. I once was so close I could breath it in and now… it crumbled under my touch. Like dust it blew away in the wind and became one with the earth. I miss you is what my mind says. My heart feels disgusted. My eyes feel like crying but I have to much pride left for that. Even after all this I still have pride.
I want to slowly die. At least I know there is one person I could meet once I die. She is safe now… I am guessing it was a girl. I never got to know. You give me something and then take it away. What type of place is this? I just want to go far away… far away…
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How did I fall asleep? Who found me? Who was touching me? I blink my eyes and glance around. There is no one around. Where is everyone? I am not in a infirmary I am in a class. Did I turn back the clock or something? Am I getting another chance. I will walk away I will run whatever it takes. There is a clicking noise nearby like a pop can. What am I laying on? My arm twitches… a nervous tick? I hear shuffling and then a face appears before me. I scream and then things are gone again.
D for Dare

I can’t stand myself. Why am I like this? I see his face and then it all goes away? Everything I have worked on even if for a few days. Just like that… and I was avoiding look at him. I was avoiding conversing with him. Its my fault entirely this time. I fell asleep first and then he found me. Why did he find me? Why not someone else? I screamed and passed out from shock this time. I can not be around him normally. Its ruined, my whole mind panics when I see him. Its not normal at all. Its like I have been conditioned. What does this remind me oh yes that test they did on a baby called Albert. He ended up being scared of white furry things… well I guess I am now scared of oddly handsome guy teachers. Weird right? I should not be scared… maybe no I should not even think that.
I made it home after a interesting… yeah I can not even explain it. Let’s just leave it at that. I did not talk to him so don’t worry. I must focus on my anger. He will not get past betraying me. He was caught in the act… unlucky him. I think I have found the answer to my third action or rule. I am not sure what to call it. I forgot what I was calling it earlier. That is how good my mind is working. I am going to use dares to get through the day. I will dare myself to be brave. That is number one dare. I curl up in my chair and stare out the window. How can people walk around so calmly? Don’t they know what is out there? How can they be so careless? Do they not care? I tilt my head and knock it against the back of my chair. Let me leave… oh let me leave. This street is so quiet… most of the time. I close my eyes… I can not sleep. I have not been able to sleep again for the past two nights. I was just starting to get over that. There was only one person who could help with that… he is gone now. I am not talking about that guy at school. I am talking about my best friend. Let’s call him