The Comedy of Errors, William Shakespeare [if you give a mouse a cookie read aloud txt] 📗

my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows: when I am cold he heats me with beating; when I am warm he cools me with beating. I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return: nay, I bear it on my shoulders as beggar wont her brat; and I think, when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

[Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, and the COURTEZAN, with PINCH and others.]

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; or rather, the prophesy, like the parrot, 'Beware the rope's-end.'

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Wilt thou still talk?
[Beats him.]

COURTEZAN.
How say you now? is not your husband mad?

ADRIANA.
His incivility confirms no less.—
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.

LUCIANA.
Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

COURTEZAN.
Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!

PINCH.
Give me your hand, and let me feel your pulse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

PINCH.
I charge thee, Satan, hous'd within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers,
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Peace, doting wizard, peace; I am not mad.

ADRIANA.
O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house to-day,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut,
And I denied to enter in my house?

ADRIANA.
O husband, God doth know you din'd at home,
Where would you had remain'd until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
I din'd at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Were not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Perdy, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
And did not she herself revile me there?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Sans fable, she herself revil'd you there.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Certes, she did: the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
And did not I in rage depart from thence?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
In verity, you did;—my bones bear witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.

ADRIANA.
Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?

PINCH.
It is no shame; the fellow finds his vein,
And, yielding to him, humours well his frenzy.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Thou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.

ADRIANA.
Alas! I sent you money to redeem you,
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Money by me! heart and goodwill you might,
But surely, master, not a rag of money.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Went'st not thou to her for purse of ducats?

ADRIANA.
He came to me, and I deliver'd it.

LUCIANA.
And I am witness with her that she did.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
God and the rope-maker, bear me witness
That I was sent for nothing but a rope!

PINCH.
Mistress, both man and master is possess'd;
I know it by their pale and deadly looks:
They must be bound, and laid in some dark room.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?—
And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

ADRIANA.
I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
And, gentle master, I receiv'd no gold;
But I confess, sir, that we were lock'd out.

ADRIANA.
Dissembling villain, thou speak'st false in both.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all;
And art confederate with a damned pack,
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me:
But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyes
That would behold in me this shameful sport.

[PINCH and assistants bind ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and DROMIO OF
EPHESUS.]

ADRIANA.
O, bind him, bind him; let him not come near me.

PINCH.
More company;—the fiend is strong within him.

LUCIANA.
Ah me, poor man! how pale and wan he looks!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,
I am thy prisoner: wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue?

OFFICER.
Masters, let him go:
He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

PINCH.
Go, bind this man, for he is frantic too.

ADRIANA.
What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

OFFICER.
He is my prisoner: if I let him go,
The debt he owes will be requir'd of me.

ADRIANA.
I will discharge thee ere I go from thee;
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.
Good master doctor, see him safe convey'd
Home to my house.—O most unhappy day!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
O most unhappy strumpet!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Master, I am here enter'd in bond for you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.
Out on thee, villian! wherefore dost thou mad me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS. Will you be bound for nothing? be mad, good master; cry, the devil.—

LUCIANA.
God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!

ADRIANA.
Go bear him hence.—Sister, go you with me.—

[Exeunt PINCH and Assistants, with ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS and
DROMIO OF EPHESUS.]

Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

OFFICER.
One Angelo, a goldsmith; do you know him?

ADRIANA.
I know the man: what is the sum he owes?

OFFICER.
Two hundred ducats.

ADRIANA.
Say, how grows it due?

OFFICER.
Due for a chain your husband had of him.

ADRIANA.
He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.

COURTEZAN.
When as your husband, all in rage, to-day
Came to my house, and took away my ring,—
The ring I saw upon his finger now,—
Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

ADRIANA.
It may be so, but I did never see it:
Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is,
I long to know the truth hereof at large.

[Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE, with his rapier drawn, and DROMIO
OF SYRACUSE.]

LUCIANA.
God, for thy mercy! they are loose again.

ADRIANA.
And come with naked swords: let's call more help,
To have them bound again.

OFFICER.
Away, they'll kill us.

[Exeunt OFFICER, ADRIANA, and LUCIANA.]

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
I see these witches are afraid of swords.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
She that would be your wife now ran from you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence:
I long that we were safe and sound aboard.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE. Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us no harm; you saw they speak us fair, give us gold; methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
I will not stay to-night for all the town;
Therefore away to get our stuff aboard.

[Exeunt.]

ACT V. SCENE 1. The same.

[Enter MERCHANT and ANGELO.]

ANGELO.
I am sorry, sir, that I have hinder'd you;
But I protest he had the chain of me,
Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

MERCHANT.
How is the man esteem'd here in the city?

ANGELO.
Of very reverend reputation, sir;
Of credit infinite, highly belov'd,
Second to none that lives here in the city:
His word might bear my wealth at any time.

MERCHANT.
Speak softly: yonder, as I think, he walks.

[Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.]

ANGELO.
'Tis so; and that self chain about his neck
Which he forswore most monstrously to have.
Good sir, draw near to me, I'll speak to him.—
Signior Andpholus, I wonder much
That you would put me to this shame and trouble;
And, not without some scandal to yourself,
With circumstance and oaths so to deny
This chain, which now you wear so openly:
Beside the charge, the shame, imprisonment,
You have done wrong to this my honest friend;
Who, but for staying on our controversy,
Had hoisted sail and put to sea to-day;
This chain you had of me; can you deny it?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
I think I had: I never did deny it.

MERCHANT.
Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Who heard me to deny it or forswear it?

MERCHANT.
These ears of mine, thou know'st, did hear thee.
Fie on thee, wretch! 'tis pity that thou liv'st
To walk where any honest men resort.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE.
Thou art a villain to impeach me thus;
I'll prove mine honour and mine honesty
Against thee presently, if thou dar'st stand.

MERCHANT.
I dare, and do defy thee for a villain.

[They draw.]

[Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, COURTEZAN, and others.]

ADRIANA.
Hold, hurt him not, for God's sake; he is mad.
Some get within him, take his sword away:
Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Run, master, run; for God's sake, take a house.
This is some priory;—in, or we are spoil'd.

[Exeunt ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE and DROMIO OF SYRACUSE to the priory.]

[Enter the ABBESS.]

ABBESS.
Be quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither?

ADRIANA.
To fetch my poor distracted husband hence:
Let us come in, that we may bind him fast,
And bear him home for his recovery.

ANGELO.
I knew he was not in his perfect wits.

MERCHANT.
I am sorry now that I did draw on him.

ABBESS.
How long hath this possession held the man?

ADRIANA.
This week he hath been heavy, sour, sad,
And much different from the man he was:
But till this afternoon his passion
Ne'er brake into extremity of rage.

ABBESS.
Hath he not lost much wealth by wreck of sea?
Buried some dear friend? Hath not else his eye
Stray'd his affection in unlawful love?
A sin prevailing much in youthful men
Who give their eyes the liberty of gazing.
Which of these sorrows is he subject to?

ADRIANA.
To none of these, except it be the last;
Namely, some love that drew him oft from home.

ABBESS.
You should for that have reprehended him.

ADRIANA.
Why, so I did.

ABBESS.
Ay, but not rough enough.

ADRIANA.
As roughly as my modesty would let me.

ABBESS.
Haply in private.

ADRIANA.
And in assemblies too.

ABBESS.
Ay, but not enough.

ADRIANA.
It was the copy of our conference.
In bed, he slept not for my urging it;
At board, he fed not for my urging it;
Alone, it was the subject of my theme;
In company, I often glanced it;
Still did I tell him it was vile and bad.

ABBESS.
And thereof came it that the man was mad:
The venom clamours of a jealous woman
Poisons more deadly than a mad dog's tooth.
It seems his sleeps were hindered by thy railing:
And thereof comes it that his head is light.
Thou say'st his meat was sauc'd with thy upbraidings:
Unquiet meals make ill digestions;
Thereof the raging fire of fever bred;
And what's a fever but a fit of madness?
Thou say'st his sports were hinder'd by thy brawls:
Sweet recreation barr'd, what doth ensue
But moody and dull melancholy,—
Kinsman to grim and comfortless despair,—
And, at her heels, a huge infectious troop
Of pale distemperatures and foes to life?
In food, in sport, and life-preserving rest,
To be disturb'd would mad or man or beast:
The consequence is, then, thy jealous fits
Hath scar'd thy husband from the use of's wits.

LUCIANA.
She never reprehended him but mildly,
When he demean'd himself rough, rude, and wildly.—
Why bear you these rebukes, and answer not?

ADRIANA.
She did betray me to my own reproof.—
Good people, enter, and lay hold on him.

ABBESS.
No, not a creature enters in my house.

ADRIANA.
Then let your servants bring my husband forth.

ABBESS.
Neither: he took this place for sanctuary,
And it shall privilege him from your hands
Till I have brought him to his wits again,
Or lose my labour in assaying it.

ADRIANA.
I will attend my husband, be his nurse,
Diet his sickness, for it is my office,
And will have no attorney but myself;
And therefore let me have him home with me.

ABBESS.
Be patient; for I will not let him stir
Till I have used the approved means I have,
With wholesome syrups, drugs, and holy prayers,
To make of him a formal man again:
It is a branch and parcel of mine oath,
A charitable duty of my order;
Therefore depart, and leave him here with me.

ADRIANA.
I will not hence and leave my husband here;
And ill it doth beseem your holiness
To separate the husband and the wife.

ABBESS.
Be quiet, and depart: thou shalt not have him.

[Exit ABBESS.]

LUCIANA.
Complain unto the duke of this indignity.

ADRIANA.
Come, go; I