The Rivals, Richard Brinsley Sheridan [books recommended by bts .txt] 📗

shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list - Captain Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed! - Well, I have done him a last friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him. - Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his dear Delia , as he calls her: I wonder he's not here! - I have a little scruple of conscience from this deceit; though I should not be paid so well, if my hero knew that Delia was near fifty, and her own mistress.

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS Ha! my little ambassadress - upon my conscience, I have been looking for you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

LUCY [Speaking simply.] O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.

Sir LUCIUS Faith! - may be that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical too, how you could go out and I not see you - for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the window on purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir LUCIUS Sure enough it must have been so - and I never dreamt it was so late, till I waked. Well, but my little girl, have you got nothing for me?

LUCY Yes, but I have - I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

Sir LUCIUS O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed - Well - let me see what the dear creature says.

LUCY There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]

Sir LUCIUS [Reads.] Sir - there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger. - Very pretty, upon my word. - Female punctuation forbids me to say more, yet let me add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last criterion of my affections. Delia. Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a great mistress of language. Faith, she's quite the queen of the dictionary! - for the devil a word dare refuse coming at her call - though one would think it was quite out of hearing.

LUCY Ay, sir, a lady of her experience - -

Sir LUCIUS Experience! what, at seventeen?

LUCY O true, sir - but then she reads so - my stars! how she will read off hand!

Sir LUCIUS Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way - though she is rather an arbitrary writer too - for here are a great many poor words pressed into the service of this note, that would get their habeas corpus from any court in Christendom.

LUCY Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir LUCIUS Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady O'Trigger into the bargain! - But we must get the old gentlewoman's consent - and do every thing fairly.

LUCY Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!

Sir LUCIUS Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it: - I am so poor, that I can't afford to do a dirty action. - If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure. - However, my pretty girl, [Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a ribbon; and meet me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. So, hussy, take a kiss beforehand to put you in mind. [Kisses her.]

LUCY O Lud! Sir Lucius - I never seed such a gemman! My lady won't like you if you're so impudent.

Sir LUCIUS Faith she will, Lucy! - That same - pho! what's the name of it? - modesty - is a quality in a lover more praised by the women than liked; so, if your mistress asks you whether Sir Lucius ever gave you a kiss, tell her fifty - my dear.

LUCY What, would you have me tell her a lie?

Sir LUCIUS Ah, then, you baggage! I'll make it a truth presently.

LUCY For shame now! here is some one coming.

Sir LUCIUS Oh, faith, I'll quiet your conscience! [Exit, humming a tune.]

[Enter FAG.]

FAG So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

LUCY O Lud! now, Mr. Fag - you flurry one so.

FAG Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by - so a little less simplicity, with a grain or two more sincerity, if you please. - You play false with us, madam. - I saw you give the baronet a letter. - My master shall know this - and if he don't call him out, I will.

LUCY Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's gentlemen are so hasty. - That letter was from Mrs. Malaprop, simpleton. - She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

FAG How! what tastes some people have! - Why, I suppose I have walked by her window a hundred times. - But what says our young lady? any message to my master?

LUCY Sad news. Mr. Fag. - A worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has proposed his son.

FAG What, Captain Absolute?

LUCY Even so - I overheard it all.

FAG Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this news.

LUCY Well, you may laugh - but it is true, I assure you. - [Going.] But, Mr. Fag, tell your master not to be cast down by this.

FAG Oh, he'll be so disconsolate!

LUCY And charge him not to think of quarrelling with young Absolute.

FAG Never fear! never fear!

LUCY Be sure - bid him keep up his spirits.

FAG We will - we will.

[Exeunt severally.]


* * * * * * * * * * *


ACT III

* * * * * * *


Scene I - The North Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE 'Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I'll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed - but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so - here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY No - I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! - for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never will see him more, never - never - never.

ABSOLUTE [Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.

Sir ANTHONY Fellow, get out of my way!

ABSOLUTE Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir ANTHONY I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

ABSOLUTE A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.

Sir ANTHONY What's that?

ABSOLUTE I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.

Sir ANTHONY Well, sir?

ABSOLUTE I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir ANTHONY Well, puppy?

ABSOLUTE Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is - a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir ANTHONY Why now you talk sense - absolute sense - I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture - prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece, Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay - I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.

ABSOLUTE Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness!

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY To please my father! zounds! not to please - Oh, my father - odd so! - yes - yes; if my father indeed had desired - that's quite another matter. Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE Sir, I repeat it - if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind - now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.

Sir ANTHONY What a