Without Hesitation, Talia Jager [warren buffett book recommendations txt] 📗

seemed to be moving in slow motion.

“Kaci.” She put her hands on mine. “I’m going to take the gun, okay?”

My grip tightened.

“You’re safe. Breathe. Nobody here will hurt you. Please, Kace, come back to me.” She positioned herself right in front of me.

I blinked a few times forcing myself to hear her words. I let her take the gun. She placed it in her waistband and then wrapped her arms around me.

“Now, Briar!”

There was a bright light and the Nirvana lurched just before kicking into FTL speed.

Ever cupped my face and covered it with kisses. “Why did you do that? He would have died in the blast. You didn’t have to kill him.”

Caspar was right. I had blood on my hands now.

Not letting go of my hand, Ever closed the space between her and Huxley. She whispered to him and he nodded.

“Come on,” Ever led me away from the bridge and back to her room. She turned on the shower. “Take a hot shower.”

I didn’t move. Instead I stared at the floor.

“Hey,” she said, her thumbs wiping away my tears. “If you don’t take off your clothes, I’ll take them off for you and believe me I do not want the first time I strip you down to be remembered this way.”

My hands moved and my clothes fell to the floor. I stepped into the shower. The hot water mixed with my tears as it flowed over my body until I finally collapsed onto the shower floor and pulled my knees to my chest.

After a while, I forced myself to get out and dried off. Ever had left me some clean clothes in the room, so I got dressed. I sat on her bed staring off into space. Silently, she knelt behind me and started braiding my hair, which felt heavenly. When she finished, she sat beside me. I put my head on her shoulder and she took my hand.

“Sorry about earlier,” I mumbled.

“I know.”

“I froze. I just…”

“I know.”

We stayed there for I don’t know how long, until Ever decided I had to eat. She dragged me to the kitchen and put a bowl of soup and some bread down in front of me. I took a few bites before pushing the rest of it around with my spoon.

“Isn’t it good?”

“Yeah. Just not hungry.”

“I know you just did something you never thought you’d do—”

“I just killed. Became a murderer. Yeah, so, I’m not hungry.”

Ever looked away. “Okay. We’ll come back when you do get hungry. Briar’s waiting for us. We have to make a decision.”

When we reached the bridge, the rest of the crew was there.

“I’m sorry,” I said to them all.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Zabe said, surprising me.

“He’s right,” Huxley said. “It’s happened to all of us.”

“Now what?” Briar stood at the controls ready to plug in coordinates.

I turned to Ever. “I need to go back to Valinor.”

“I understand.”

“I need answers.” I looked at her and everyone else faded away. “Will you come?”

“To Valinor?”

“I don’t want to do it alone.”

“Yeah. Will they let me?”

Smirking, I answered, “I think you’re forgetting who the Empress is.”

Laughing out loud, she said, “Okay. If you promise they won’t kill me on sight.”

“I’ll just jump in front of you.”

All color drained from her face. “Don’t do that again.”

“So?” Briar said, reminding us she was there. “To Valinor?”

Ever nodded, though I noticed the look on her face wasn’t one of happiness.

I retreated back into my head again while they talked. My finger found the tattoo on my arm and ran over it again and again.

“We need to find our families soon,” Briar said softly. “We have no idea how long they’ll survive without Caspar.”

“We will. We just need to get her home first.” I heard Ever say. “I’m going to get her to bed.”

“I’ll stay here and monitor the comms for news about Caspar’s ship,” Briar said.

Zabe and Huxley were playing an intense game of Loaded when Ever took my hand and led me to her room.

I didn’t sleep that night. Ever sat up against the head of her bed with my head in her lap. For a long time, she was quiet, then she said, “We were on a mission for Caspar. He wanted this antique from the Mezzi Corporation. Briar and I went in for it. We were caught. A guard pushed Briar into me, knocking me over. Before I could get up, he was on top of me and pinning me down. The knife in his hand was coming at me. Briar jumped on his back and stabbed his shoulder. He dropped the knife in his hand, grabbed her and threw her into a wall, knocking her out. It gave me just enough time to get the dagger I had hidden in my boot. When he reached for his knife, I swung mine, slicing his throat. Then, like that wasn’t going to kill him, I took it a step further and thrust the knife into his heart. He fell onto me, covering me in his blood. I pushed him off, scooped up Briar and the antique, and jumped out of there.”

I was quiet while picturing the scenario. “That’s different,” I said softly. “You were protecting Briar, defending yourself. You’re not a cold-blooded killer.”

“Either are you.”

I nodded, but her words meant nothing.

The next day, I surrounded myself with the crew and Nero; staying busy, talking, playing card games, petting Nero. Anything to keep from thinking of what I had done. A few times, I found myself at the window just staring out into space. So much out there to explore.

One time, I turned around and Briar had the maps out again. Walking over, I asked, “Are you still trying to decide where to go first?”

“Yeah. There are a few different blue giants with planets close together.”

“Go to the closest one first?” I suggested.

“That’s the logical thing to do.”

“Makes sense to me.”

She nodded and pulled me into a hug. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too.” My voice quaked.

Ever and I even went to the weapons room to spar. I had forgotten just how impressive the room was. Spending time with Everleigh, Huxley, Zabe, and Briar had made me see them as less threatening than they actually were. I had allowed the fact that they were criminals to slip my mind. This room brought all of that back. They were all lethal.

“You should try the punching bag,” she suggested, holding up the tape to wrap my hands. “It helps me with my anger.”

I glanced over at the bag hanging from the ceiling. “Really?”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” She positioned herself behind the bag. “C’mon.”

I taped up my hands and then threw a punch.

“Harder.” Her golden eyes met mine. “Picture Caspar.”

Opening and closing my fist, I punched the bag again and again. Anger came from places I didn’t know existed. It wasn’t just anger toward Caspar, but toward myself, toward my parents, even Galton. It was anger at impossible situations.

“Hey guys,” Briar interrupted from the doorway. “Come with me.”

Ever grabbed me. “You okay?”

I nodded.

We followed Briar to the med bay. A body was lying on the bed dressed in a silver uniform. Ever stepped closer and examined the AI. “Flawless,” she commented.

“Do you approve?”

“She looks great. Does she work?”

Briar smiled. “We’re about to find out.” She rolled the AI over, pulled her shirt up just enough to slip a tiny microchip into the hidden drive under her arm. Seconds later, the AI’s eyes popped open revealing their green color and she sat up. Her gaze shifted over each of us.

“Hello, Nirvana crew.” She looked down at her hands, flipped them over and back again. “You have given me a body.”

“Yes, Zia,” Briar answered. “I hope you’re happy with what I picked.”

“This is very nice. Thank you.” She stood and walked to a mirror where she placed her long auburn hair in a bun. She turned to Ever and said, “I am ready for duty.”

“I’m going to let Briar show you around or whatever it is she has planned,” Ever responded.

“Wow!” I said when we were alone again. “I knew AIs were advanced, but she’s amazing. So humanlike.” My mind started wandering to my nanites. How much like her was I? Did the nanites only heal me? Did they do more? Could they?

“You’re lost in your thoughts again.”

My eyes met hers and I shrugged. “Sorry.”

She opened her mouth like she was going to say more, but instead she leaned in and kissed me.

Ever excused herself to do a few ship related things, so I wandered around. I found Zabe in the observation room stroking Nero who was purring in his lap. Zabe looked more approachable holding a cute animal.

Nero’s eyes opened as I plopped down next to them. “Traitor,” I said, sticking out my tongue. Nero just closed his eyes again. I laughed.

“You’re good for us,” Zabe said.

“I am?”

“Yes. You’re the calm in the storm.”

Staring into the dark space, I said, “You’re all good people, Zabe, just in a bad situation.”

“I tried telling Caspar no once. That was when he killed my brother. Two guards had to hold me back. He was just a kid.”

I couldn’t imagine going through that. Bristow was like my brother and I didn’t know what I would do if something ever happened to him. “I’m sorry, Zabe. Caspar’s gone now. He can’t hurt anybody else.”

“You’re brave, Akacia. Stupid, but brave.” He smiled. “Everleigh has been through a lot. Be patient with her.”

I stood up, tousled Zabe’s hair. He looked up, shocked that I had dared to be so familiar with him. His expression melted into a smile and I left to wander some more.

Huxley cooked meat and vegetables for dinner. We all ate quietly.

“This is delicious,” I told him.

“Thanks, Akacia.” His smile was sad. “These guys are so used to my cooking, they don’t appreciate it anymore. It was nice to cook for someone else.”

“I’ve enjoyed all of your meals.” I blinked back the tears.

“I suppose I should tell you what I am, too?” Zabe said out of the blue.

Reaching across the table, I placed my hand on his. “Only if you want to tell me.”

He took a swig of his drink. “Black bear. I’m strong and quick-tempered.”

“Don’t bother him when he’s sleeping. He may bite your head off,” Ever joked.

Zabe growled at her and she laughed.

My emotions began to overwhelm me so I dabbed my mouth with my napkin and said, “Thank you all for opening up to me and making me feel like part of your family. You will always be a part of mine.” And before I broke down completely, I stood up and walked back toward the sleeping quarters.

I stopped in front of Ever’s room, unsure if I should go find her or wait for her in my own room. Of course, I hadn’t been in my room since the first night back.

“I gave you access to my room,” Ever said from behind me. “Just put your hand on the pad.”

I did as she said and the door opened. Inside, I sat on the bed and rubbed her blanket in between my thumb and forefinger.

Ever knelt in front of me. “It’ll be okay.”

“It’s not just that.”

“Then what is it?”

Blowing out a long deep breath, I said, “I’ll miss you…all of you.” Then I