Time In A Pocket, Judy T. Lloyd [i can read with my eyes shut txt] 📗

had to be more for me. I can remember praying to God. I did not want to die lying face down on a dirty mattress in my living. I truly wish that I could reach my cousin and understand her pain. I knew that it was an inner voice speaking to me. It was then that I gave up on self appointed guidance to a greater power. That power lifted me up,sent me to the cabinet where my medicines were. I know enough about medicines to know that I had to take my Paxil. I increased the doseage of the depression medicine.

On Monday when I went back to the doctors that were treating me for my cancer, they discovered my tumor was shrinking. They put you on a simulater to measure the size of the tumor. My radiation treatments were reduced, from then on I could sleep at night. That to me was a big relief. There are still things about my treatment that bother me today. However when lying in bed the other night, I thought about the cousin who had tried suicide.

I have alsways had a sense about things especially when it came to family. So I thought about the sadness that made her want to take her life. I understood it, because I had that same sadness growing up. I will not say here what it is, because I can only say this. Betty and I shared a secret even though it was from two different people. Some secrets are better left where they are. Some should be told in order for the truth to heal. However we must see that not all truths heal. In fact certain truths only bring the person down.

Sad

I wonder why the sun always hides from me.
Can not the sun see?
There are colors they say to a rainbow.
But I only see where the shadows go.

I wish that I could touch the wings of birds.
Does the cardinal sing of red in its words?
Are there really bluebirds over,
the fields of Dover.

I only know that I can only feel the rain.
Why must I be in this kind of pain?
Is there really light at the end of the tunnel?
Or is it just the sun behind the black funnel?

This is what it is like being sad.
I just wish anyone would show me how to be glad.
Perhaps someday when my life is over.
I will fly with those bluebirds in Dover.

This is what sadness is, you do not see color or feel warmth. I only pray that if you read this and you are sad that you will find your way. It is my will that in my moments of time in a pocket that it be so.

I can only pray that whatever caused this deep depression that she will know in her heart that she is loved. Many times changing medication is the key to resolving this deep depression. A friend of mine explained it this way.
"You feel as if you are frozen in time, that someone has put a net over you. It is hard to explain because you can not go forward nor can you go backwards." I know that having cancer among other things caused a deep depression in me. I was fortunate in this way that I had a doctor who recognized this and prescribed medications for me. My husband whom I love very much has suffered for years from depression. Much of his depression is caused by a chemical inbalance in his brain. The right medications have helped him. Still he has to remain on those medications in order to feel somewhat whole. To be lost within yourself is unimaginable pain. This pain is just as great as any phyiscal pain. So when someone says that you can not die of heartbreak, that is wrong. You can die of heartbreak when you are frozen in time. To be a functioning adult you must have a functioning mind as well as body. Sure they cut out a lot of what makes me a woman. I feel scarred from the types of radiation imposed upon me following radical surgery. However I am still a woman mentally.

So I choose to write what my feelings are because for me it is a coping mechanism. Having family though helps with that coping mechanism. I do not know if I could ever say to them all how much they meant to me. For the good far outweighed the bad. It is so difficult for me to understand why a man would kill his entire family and friends in Appomattox. There is nothing worse than being so lost within the deep recesses of the soul than that. I listened to a song that was favored by Hank Williams. The song was entitled House of Gold. These lines stand out for me.
"I would rather be buried in a deep dark hole and know my poor soul was saved.
Than to live in a house of gold denying my God and lose my soul."
Think on those words greed destroys many things. I know that being poor is not the worse thing that can happen to me. I have lost everything and have had it returned to me just like Job. I have also known much love in my life. Having cancer brought all those deep down dark hole of a grave to life. Now I know that to be trapped within your own mind is far worse than any cancer diagnosis. Choosing to claim God as my savior is a better treasure.

When my cousin told me that our mutual cousin Betty had tried suicide I thought about all of the relationships in the family. So many of the memories stirred up old feelings. Yet the unmistakable fact was that we all loved each other. I believe now that our families survived some of the most horrible situations because they were together. Even if we did suffer from depressions and thoughts that would threaten to destroy us, we had love. I will never write that everything was perfect. It was not, this book isn't just about me, it is about who I really am. It took me a long time to figure out where I really belonged.

I would say that a lot of that was my fault. If our brains really are living computers with stored information we must conclude the above facts are true. Some facts are painful and that makes us no different from the generations that came after us. I have lived now for six plus decades. In my memory banks though I can see that while we were not the Waltons, we were not the Barkers either. We had if you will some sort of sane existance. Our parents did the best that they could do under the circumstances. We became survivors because of that. Looking back on those memories I would have to say that love remained. The body can be destroyed,even our brains become blank. However through it all if you really think about it love never left us.

It was once written that God did not move, we did. Yet I am of the firm belief that all things fit into the plan. Right now it is snowing again here in Virginia. We have a fairly good sized amount of snow on the ground. This reminds me of the sixties when we had deep snows.

Chapter Three

We had deep snows this year, many of us were stuck in our homes with only the television to entertain us. Of course when you have pets they can be a source of entertainment and joy. During the years before my bouts with cancer I miscarried two babies. So my pets are my psuedo children. Depression creeps in when you get to thinking about a lot of the failures of your past. This week in 2010 my depression kicked in really bad. I developed an infection in my system that made me very ill for days. As much as I hate going to the doctor for anything now, I had to break down and go. I finally got the medicine but realized too that something else was missing from life.

I suppose that there will be those that scoff at the notion of talking to God. I do that especially at night when I can not sleep. I have my little dog beside me for my comfort. God did promise us a comforter and I think he uses our pets as a comforter. I have dreams sometimes that seem so real that when I wake up I find that I have to adjust to coming back to reality. One dream had to do with going into an church where the congregation were all happy. I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so I was searching for the bathroom. It had water flowing down and was washing out the commode. I wondered about that. Why was this in my dream?

So in thinking about it late at night I discovered that maybe it was because of all the crap in my life. I had allowed anger and resentment to interfere with my joy. Oh to have the joy once again expressed in song. Especially if it is an old song sung by someone who sings the piece with meaning. Lynda Randall is one of those singers. Patience is not a virtue of mine and so I pray each night that the Lord will take the anger and resentment from me. Because all of that crap that I allowed to build up only harms me physically. My little dog is a great blood pressure medicine for me. He reminds me that God loves me even when I don't love myself. It reminds me of just being a child once again, growing up with some really good memories.

Time in a pocket is about memories and what you learned from those you love. Imprint

Text: Implied Copyright.
Publication Date: 01-27-2010

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To All Of My Family Adopted,extended and natural