Helga: Out of Hedgelands, Rick Johnson [suggested reading txt] 📗

each new setback as a chance to demonstrate his brilliance. His thoughts raced with plans for escape and fury against his enemies. “Ya’thinks ya got me, ya’ugly loot robbers, but we’s got some fun left in us yet!” In spite of the danger, Broken Eye relished the challenge of outwitting the Grizzlies, whom he considered ‘loot robbers.’ “They’s a bunch of parlor bandits,” Broken Eye thought to himself. “We’s steal ma’loot fair and square, usin’ ma’brain and wits. And then these parlor bandits waltz in, as easy as ya’please, and steals it back from me! Surely we’s tell ya, it’s robbery! They say as if they will give it back to its ‘owners’—Well, we’s say him’as stole it first, owns it!”

As the trackers passed by his hiding place without incident, Broken Eye began to breathe again. Slipping out of hiding, a wide, wicked grin spread across his nearly toothless, badly scarred mouth. He shared his new plan with Slasher Annie. “Aye, ma’laddies, we’s got just the thing fer ya’s stupid loot robbers,” Broken Eye said. “Da’laddies will remember Broken Eye a long time. They’s don’t scare me. We’s hide only to think. When we’s know what to do, we’s no longer hide! We’s knows the plan. They will see Broken Eye in full sight, and they’ll be helpless ta watch us escape. They won’t be able to do anything about it. Nay, they won’t never forget Broken Eye!”

When he spoke this way, Annie knew her husband was no longer ‘right in his mind.’ He went into a kind of insane trance where he spoke and moved almost by instinct, without thought or fear. Once he knew what he wanted to do, he gave no further thought to obstacles, adversity, or danger. It was Broken Eye’s way. It had saved his skin many times.

As a young Cougar challenging for leadership of the bandit gang, he had spent six days in the wilderness with his paws tied behind his back. Although anyone could challenge to be bandit leader, few did. Such a challenge sent both the chief and his challenger into the wilderness for a test of craftiness and grit. Each was left deep in the woods, with their paws tied behind their backs. After three days, if one was still alive, he became head of the gang. If both were still alive, they were left for another three days, and so on until only one came out of the ordeal alive. With only one’s wits and courage to live by, the Cougars considered it a proper test of someone who would be a master of bandits.

Broken Eye had nearly died from thousands of mosquito bites he had received in that trial. When the ordeal ended, his body was swollen like a balloon when he crawled out of the forest on the last day. He had survived, but lost the sight in one of his eyes, which had swollen to the point of exploding. His challenger had not been so lucky. No trace of him was found except for some shreds of bloody clothing tied to a tree with barbed wire—the sign of Grizzly Bear trackers. So Broken Eye did not underestimate the Grizzlies.

“Annie,” Broken Eye called to his wife with a crazed look shining in his one good eye, “we’s going to do what a Cougar has never done before! We’s goin’ to surrender!”

Slasher Annie looked at her husband dubiously. “Surrender? There’s ten Grizzly trackers out there, Broken Eye! They’ll chop us into pieces!” But Annie knew it was no use, and, although it made no sense now, she did not doubt Broken Eye’s statement. Annie had seen many surprising tricks from the old Cougar.

“We’s givin’ up,” Broken Eye said slyly. “We’s givin’ up. We’s just walkin’ out there, white flag a’flutterin’. Then we’s have some fun!”

“But, Broken Eye, I don’t understand,” Annie replied. “Surrendering is fun?”

“Just don’t never forget who we’s be,” Broken Eye screeched. “We’s got a plan! The dumb laddies will never forget Broken Eye!” His tired, bloodshot eye bugged out insanely. His body quavered with excitement as his mate had never seen before. Pulling his battered red tricorne hat on his head, he grinned wickedly: “Aye, ma’laddies, we’s got fun.”

“AYE, MA’LADDIES, YA GOT ME THIS TIME, WE’S GIVIN’ UP! YA, HEAR US YA UGLY LOOT ROBBERS?” Turning to Annie, with a wild look in his bulging eye, Broken Eye said, “That should do it...They’ll be coming back our way. Now we’s got fun! Hold ma stuff, Annie, here comes some fun!”

Slasher Annie looked at Broken Eye questioningly. The powerful old Cougar was standing before her, slipping off the series of ribbons that held his three machetes slung across his shoulders. He gave the machetes to Annie to hold. Fumbling in the big pockets of his coat, he pulled out a coil of dried-grass fuse, a flint, and six gourds.

“Flash gourds!” Annie exclaimed. “That’s the last ones we have. What do they have to do with surrendering?”

“Ish’nt it ma fun?” Broken Eye laughed. “We’s be havin’ some fun with da loot robbers!”

Broken Eye quickly cut several lengths of fuse, and stuck them in every possible opening—in his ears, his mouth, his coat pockets, and his boots. Cougar bandits twisted strands of dried grass together in long braids. These were smeared with snake grease, which, when dried, made the twisted braids of grass sturdy, and turned them into effective, slow-burning fuses. Broken Eye carried a coil of fuse rolled up in his pockets, along with a number of flash gourds. Each was about the size of two fists and filled with pulverized grain dust. The dust was highly explosive. Each gourd contained enough to level a small-sized building. The homemade explosives were Broken Eye’s weapons of last resort. Flash gourds were completely harmless until the fuse was lit. Then they detonated within moments—depending on how long the fuse was.

“Ha’rsh, Ha’rsh, Ha’rsh!” Broken Eye laughed as he worked quickly to ignite the fuses! “Yea, ma’laddies, old Broken Eye ish’t really comin’ ta surrender, but I guess I forgot ta tell ya that!”

Using his flint, Broken Eye put fire to all the fuses—both the ones on the flash gourds and the spare ones poking out of every possible opening. He stood before Annie with smoke pouring off of him. She was amazed to look at him. Broken Eye was always a terrifying sight. But now, he looked like a beast from someone’s darkest nightmare. Annie was barely able to see him through the smoke that writhed around him. His bright red hat; long, billowing red coat; and red ribbons tied to the ends of his wild, shaggy braided beard added a sinister cast amidst the swirling smoke. With his badly scarred face, red eye-patch, and enormous height, Broken Eye was a terror to behold!

Slasher Annie herself could well understand why creatures fled at the very name of Broken Eye, even when he wasn’t wreathed in smoke!

“Ya know me Annie...just don’t ya be fearin’. Stay here and ready. We’s be back straight away. Aye, and ya might put in some ear plugs!” With that, he walked straight in the direction of the trackers. Annie judged that the fuses on the flash gourds probably would burn about two minutes before they would all explode with a deafening blast! Flash gourds were used only rarely in Cougar bandit attacks—like blowing open a building to be plundered that could be opened in no other way. In those cases, usually they were detonated one at a time! They were far too dangerous to use in groups.  Now Broken Eye had six of them lit, their fuses smoking out of his pockets! When they went off, they would level everything within a hundred yards. Annie pulled two small corks from her pockets and stuck them in her ears, then pulled the kerchief tied over her head down over her ears as far as it would go. There was going to be a tremendous explosion! Any right-minded creature would run for her life, but Annie stayed where she was. She knew that when Broken Eye got into these insane moods, he seemed somehow to know what he was doing—at least in the past. But he’d never done anything so foolish and daring as this.

Broken Eye walked out into a clearing in the woods and stood waiting. The trackers stopped at the edge of the clearing, obviously perplexed. They well knew the reputation of Broken Eye. He was crafty and very dangerous. What was this hideous, smoke-wrapped apparition about?

“Just hold it RIGHT there, ya LOUSY loot robbers!” Broken Eye screamed. “we’s brINGIn’ you some fun! we’s givIn’ up! we’s SUrrendering! WE’S youR prisOner! WE’S just comIn’ over TO SURRENDER TO ma laddies! all THAT’S mine ISHT FOR you too! aye, we’s got ma flash gourds for ya! mA pockets ish’t full!” Broken Eye’s ranting echoed through the forest.

The Grizzly Bear trackers looked at one another. They realized Broken Eye was a walking bomb! They well knew that even one flash gourd would be enough to kill or maim them all and Broken Eye obviously had many! The Grizzlies fled back into the woods, running pell-mell in frantic retreat.

“nay, ma laddies! iT ISHN’T easy ta get fAR ENOUGH away! Here’s be some fun fOr ya loot robbers!” Laughing hysterically, Broken Eye tore off his coat with the smoking flash gourds in the pockets, and swinging it around over his head, heaved the coat upwards far into the air in the direction the Grizzlies had fled. Then he turned and ran as fast as he could back towards where Annie awaited.

The last thing Annie saw was Broken Eye, leaping towards her with a wild, gleeful grin on his face. He hit her with a forceful tackle just as the roar of a deafening explosion split the air! Earth, rocks, shards of wood, leaves and other debris rained down upon them. The force of the blast knocked down a massive tree just in front of them, which saved them from being crushed by others that fell.

Smoke and dust was still swirling as Broken Eye leaped up, grabbing Slasher Annie by the arm. “Aye, Annie, we’s got’s to go. Da’laddies be back. Nay time’s ta’wastes.”

In no time, Broken Eye and Slasher Annie were speeding away beneath the dense forest canopy. They moved like the wind. On and on they ran, putting miles between themselves and the scene of the explosion. They hoped the trackers would be stunned long enough to delay their pursuit. They heard no sounds of being followed. Grizzlies could not move as fast as Cougars on the run. Even if they were not hurt and able to move at high speed, they would make considerable noise if they were moving fast enough to keep up with the Cougars. At last, feeling they had left the Grizzlies far enough behind for some safety, and nearly exhausted, they slowed down, gasping for breath.

“I have no idea where we are, do you know, Broken Eye?” Annie asked.

“Nay, we’s don’t know. We’ll just camp for the night. Come day’s light, we’ll explore. There be Skull Buzzards circlin’ ahead. That might be some fun!”

Broken Eye knew that Skull Buzzards were native to only one place—the Don’ot Stumb Mountains. Few beasts went there because it was too dangerous. “Go by land, you die. Go by water, you drown.”—he had heard the warning many times. Either way, the Skull Buzzards picked over your carcass and plundered your stuff. Most creatures thought those were not good odds. But not Broken Eye. He lived to cheat death.

“Aye, Annie, tomorrow we’s visit the Skull Buzzards and see what they have that we’s want!”

 

Cut Up Badly

A cool, gray morning dawned as Helga awakened from