Soul Searcher, D.M. Richardson [best e reader for academics txt] 📗

a walking contradiction. Your good at everything but you take no credit for it. You act like it’s nothing. You walk and hold yourself with confidence while you do things that says you have no self esteem. You’ll square off with anyone but you won’t look them in the eye.” he put his glasses back on and I looked back up at his face. For the first time I wished I could look him in the eye. Every time I was around him the pressure would build until I felt like my head would explode. The only thing that made me feel safe were those thin pieces of plastic.

“I’m a walking contradiction, because I have to be. You don’t understand, and there is no way that you could.”

“Why!”

“Because you have never had to work for what you needed!”

“How would you know that? I have put a lot of work into what I have needed and wanted.”

“Yeah wanted! But when I came to things that truly mattered. That you needed to thrive? It was handed to you!”

“What are you talking about?” I took a step toward him and he stepped back. I could see his eyes widening even behind his glasses.

“You have never had to work your heart out just to get someone to care about you. You have never felt the lack of affection. You have never laid awake at night wondering what was so wrong that no one could love you enough to keep you. You have never had to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen. I don’t talk about my past because there is nothing but crushing disappointment. I have worked so hard at everything I ever did, because I thought it was the only way I could get someone to keep me. I worked to have a place to call home. Until eventually working became habit. It became the only thing that kept me going, the way I bided my time until I aged out of the system. I carry myself with confidence, because I earned it. I didn’t have anyone coddling me my entire life telling me I deserved it. And I don’t make eye contact for my own reasons.” He was stunned to silence and I took my chance. I stepped around him toward the door. I was just reaching for the handle when he asked one more question.

“What does your tattoo mean?” I half turned just enough to see Rob standing in the kitchen listening. He was shaking his head sadly.

“That is none of your business.” I answered in a hard tone. I wasn’t sure who I was talking to. Zeke for his prying or Rob with his eavesdropping. Maybe it was both, but I didn’t stop to contemplate it. I opened the door and walked out shutting it firmly.

I walked into Sara’s house and went straight up to my room without talking to anyone. I wasn’t very good company at that moment, and I didn’t want to put anyone else off.

I was feeling a lot calmer by the time dinner was done so I went down to eat in order to avoid questions. Unfortunately it seemed that questions would find me whether I made an appearance or not.

“Rob called earlier.” Sara said quietly. I nodded but kept my eyes on my plate. She either didn’t see the hint or she ignored it. “He asked if you were alright. Did something happen at his house this afternoon?” I shrugged. “He said you were pretty upset when you left.”

“What else did he say?” I asked worried that he had told her everything I had said.

“Just that he was worried, and that he wanted me to tell you he was sorry.” I nodded. I felt bad for being so rude to him. After all me and Zeke were pretty loud he probably couldn’t help but over hear.

“Did he say something to you? To upset you?” she pried. I sighed and put my fork down my appetite gone.

“No. Me and Zeke had a fight and he just happened to hear it.”

“What did you fight about?” I shrugged.

“Nothing important. I’m not really hungry I think I’ll go back to my room.” I picked up my plate and took it into the kitchen. I went back up to my room and spent the next half hour laying on my bed staring at the ceiling.

I heard footsteps on the stairs but ignored them thinking Sara was getting Kristi ready for bed. But instead the steps stopped at my door and I looked up. It was Sara but she was looking at me with a worried expression. I sat up and she stepped into the room.

“Zeke is downstairs. He asked to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to see him.” I laid back down and she went back downstairs. I laid there for a few more minutes until I heard more footsteps that stopped at my door. I looked over to see Zeke standing there watching me. I stood up and faced him fully.

“Get out.” Instead of doing what I told him to he took a step into the room. “What are you doing?” I asked backing my way to my desk. He closed the door softly then turned back to me. When he made it into the middle of the room effectively blocking my only escape he finally spoke.

“I just wanted to apologize.” he said quietly.

“Great you’ve done that so leave.” he sighed and shook his head.

“Are you really that callous?” he asked.

“That’s one hell of an apology.” he chuckled slightly.

“See that was another of the things I was talking about earlier. You’re so serious and straight laced, but at the same time you have a sense of humor.” I rolled my eyes.

“That was sarcasm.”

“I know, but it was still funny.” I heaved a sigh and spread my arms slightly.

“What do you want Zeke?” he sat down on my bed and looked up at me.

“That is a complicated question. I want a lot of things. Not many of them I’m willing to tell you. But right now I want to apologize for being such an ass earlier and to have everything go back to the way they were. When you were comfortable with me.”

“How can I do that when you’re constantly wondering about things I can’t talk about.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Right now can’t. I’m sorry but no one has ever gotten close enough to hear everything. And I need you to understand that there is a reason for it.” he nodded and looked down at the floor.

“Okay I can do that. I won’t push anymore. But I also need you to at least tell me something. I can’t keep going with this whole you being a comfortable stranger thing.” My shoulders dropped slightly and I sat down in the desk chair.

The problem was that I had grown to care about what Zeke thought of me. As I thought about it I realized I cared a lot. I didn’t like how attached to him I had become. But somewhere between today and the first time I tutored him I began looking forward to the time I spent with him.

“Okay you can ask me one question. Just one and you have to ask it before you leave, but after that you have to let me tell you the rest on my own time.”

“Fair enough.”

“So ask.” He didn’t even pause to think.

“What does your tattoo mean?” I shook my head.

“Not that one.” He opened his hand to speak but I held up my hand to stop him. “That is very, very personal and not a story I tell lightly. In fact I’ve never told anyone. Most people don’t even see it.” He nodded but still looked disgruntled by it. I started fidgeting with ring and followed the movement. He held his hand out and I pulled back a little.

“I just want to look at it. Please.” I hesitated but took it off and placed it in his palm without touching him. He twisted it this way and that looking at the design. “Where did you get it?” he asked after a minute or two. He handed it back to me and I put it back on with relief. It was still a personal question, and not one I had told before either, but one I was willing to.

“When I was seven I was placed in a home with another girl my age. We were placed there within a week of each other and our circumstances were similar. We became very close very quickly. Like sisters but closer. The couple was upper middle class and truly cared about the kids they took in. They didn’t need the checks from the state that came every month so they put it into a checking account for each of us and gave us the debit cards to spend it on anything we wanted. We saved every penny of it to spend on something special. We didn’t know what it would be and would joke about buying a car when we were old enough. But after about six months it became apparent that they were going to send me away, but keep her. We panicked a little and the day before I was to leave we ran away. Well we didn’t actually run away. We just took the bus to town without telling anyone. We were going to go back, but we wanted a day together without anyone else. We went into a jeweler’s and looked through all of the pieces the guy had. He knew we were alone and too young to be so, but he was nice to us. We saw these necklaces. They were in all different stones. Ruby, emerald, sapphire, amethyst, and onyx. They all came in pairs meant to be some kind of best friend sets for rich people. We chose the onyx because we were both afraid of the dark, and it was something that we helped each other with. We thought that if we carried the dark with us that it couldn’t hurt us, and we wouldn’t be afraid of it anymore. They took every penny we had, but we didn’t regret it. Of course the jeweler called the police while we were looking, but he sized the chains perfectly for us. I left the next day. The unfortunate thing about being little when a piece of jewelry is sized for you is that you eventually grow out of it. By the time I was ten the chain didn’t fit anymore. I wore it as a bracelet for a couple years. When I was twelve I found a way to the same jeweler and had him make this ring for it. I’ve had to have it sized a few times, but I never stopped wearing it. I haven’t seen her since.” I finished watching his face carefully. He kept his expression neutral, but he never looked away from my face.

“Have you tried to find her?” he asked finally breaking the tension.

“Of course from what I’ve found out the couple adopted her, but when I tried to contact them they refused to let me talk to her. Wouldn’t even let me write.”

“Why not?” he asked in indignant anger. I smiled slightly but only shrugged. That was one secret I would never tell him. He sighed and looked to the floor seeing through my evasion.

“Okay. Thank you for sharing that with me. I really appreciate that you trusted me enough. I’ll hold up my end of the deal, and stop pushing, but you have to do something for me.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal!”

“I know, but it’s small, and nearly painless.” I raised an eyebrow.

“Nearly?” he laughed.

“Yes nearly. All I want is for you to suffer my company for one night. Go to the movies with me on Saturday.” I took a deep breathe ready to decline. He raised his hands quickly. “Not a date. Just a public display of friendship. I’m tired of just hanging out at my house.