Aboard My Train Of Thought, Scott C. Endsley [reading comprehension books .TXT] 📗

his one time counterpart, Democratic Congressman Dingle, are pushing hard to get the unpartisan bill passed through both houses of congress. If it's ratified in the Senate by next February like they predict, the bill will be called the Dingle-Berry act of 1996.

"In international news, Russian scientist and Nobel Prize winner, Yuri Bzezhchirvrezhehinovetezinov, announced that he artificially produced a living embryo, by taking human sperm and injecting its DNA into an infertile egg from a dairy cow. Once the early stage of gestation became apparent, other testing indicated that it was probably a male. The scientist then destroyed it, claiming that if it were allowed to live and mature, it would drastically alter the beliefs, morals and traditions that mesh the world community together, and most of all, radically, as Russian physicist Bzezhchirvrezhehinovetezinov says; '...bring about a whole new definition to The Milkman!'

"The mysterious gunman holding the White House hostage, says he'll blow up the Presidential Palace, unless he's given all sovereign power; including executive, judicial, and legislative. He's already managed, somehow, to take control of the armed forces. General Higgenbottham has sworn allegiance to whom he now considers to be adequately fit to lead the New World Order.

"CO-chairperson of Torment, Beat, And Brainwash the Children, Hillary Rottwiler Plimton, says she's willing and ready to give the new national headman her assisting expertise. Yes, you heard that right! But, UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros Goodgoshallmighty, is asking all member states to come together with an embargo pact against the US, until civil goverment is restored.

"No one really knows much about the so-called new leader, who calls himself the Honorable Homer. It is said that he appears to be book-wise, smooth-talking, and very appealing. Well, we shall see and hear, as he is to make a public address to the nation on Thursday afternoon, 12pm, Eastern Standard Time.

"On the stock exchange, the Dow Jones fell in early trading this morning. So far, 15 bodies have been recovered, but several stock brokers have yet to be accounted for. Investers are frantically sifting through the rubble, hoping to find any survivors in time for the stock market to reopen tomorrow...

"Currently, the weather conditions in the greater Southeast part of Wyoming is as follows: The temperature is up to 23 degrees Fahrenheit, the barometer is broken; and the winds are today up to 49 knots. That's lower than the average of 55 knots per day for this whole week... But, a telephone company spokesman says that they're on top of the situation; and local phone service should be restored by morning, after they get all of them untangled... pending wind conditions tonight.

"That's the news and weather at this hour...I'm Bob Burford...Stay tuned for the Flush Limbo Show, already in progress..." (click)


"What's happening?" I voiced after turning off the radio and watching all the cars speeding by in an all-out panic. "I've never seen people in such a rush!" I added, striking a thought as my memory lit. "Rush... Rush...Rush... Flush...Flush away your enigma with the pursuit of excellence? Flush... Flush...Fl....Flush Limbo!" I scrambled for the on/off switch as the morning glare hit my eyes.


(Click!)"... As we here are always in pursuit of excellence as well as
the truth... Now for you liberals!..." Flush began to scold.


"That's it! The clue!" But what was I supposed to do? I couldn't call Flush on his nationwide show and tell him, as well as the whole world, that Homer was a figment of my imagination. I had to get hold of him somehow, though. So I figured when I got back home in Oklahoma I'd send him my manuscript and a follow-up letter.
----------------------


(Episode 5)
A night's drive ended in the morning, obviously, as the main highway on my route was snowed in. I stopped for the day in Stutterton, Colorado, where I checked into an economical and dilapidating motor inn. Gazing at my 70's vintage Tricky-Dicky pocket-watch, I noticed it was almost half a minute till Dicky's nose grows, Mountain Time. So I aimed the remote, as I laid snug in bed, to watch Homer's address to the nation. The tube slowly illuminated in the middle of a program announcement:


".....She was born to a poor family in the Ozarks. At age 15, she heard the voice of God commanding her to lead the Confederate Army, against the North. Just who was Joan of Arkansas? Find out tonight, on Historical Biographies, at10pm, Mountain Standard Time, on NBS!"


"This is an NBS news special presentation. Remember...There's no BS on NBS! Now over to NBS news correspondent, Peter Waylon Jennings."

"Thanks, Joe. The Honorable Homer, as he now calls himself, is about to address the nation, live from the White house. His first such speech since seizing power a week ago... And everyone must be wondering what he's going to say. After the speech, we'll have comments from our guest tonight, William F. Bucktooth. But now, let's go live to the Oval Office as His Honorableness is ready to speak...."


"My dearly beloved friends and comrades in the struggle for unified harmony, I come to you tonight, to usher in the dawning of a new dream. A dream that will awaken the aspirations of millions, hoping for equal opportunity.

"Until now, equal opportunity held no special promise. But now, it will mean equal outcome, everyone reaching the goal at the same time and cheering each other on. All you have to do is give me your allegiance, and I'll give you peace, harmony, security and promise. Promise of a prosperous future. There are those of course who won't share our dream. They... must be exterminated!

"I've brought with me technology never imagined by mankind before. A silicone wafer will be implanted on everyone's right shoulder. This chip will send cybernetic messenger cells to the brain, by way of the jugular vain, generating its power from the individual's pulse. This is to help you always think politically correct thoughts; in accordance with my authority.

"Everyone will go to their county health department this afternoon, to have one implanted. Anyone caught without a Chip on their shoulder by morning, will be dealt with, by me.

"Democrat, Republican, Liberal or Conservative will all become by-words for failures of the past irresponsible leadership; who only cared about partisan politics. There will only be one party, now. The Unified Thought Co-operative Party. The transformation of reforms will be slow and painful, but we must start now! I, the Honorable Homer, thank you, and may the newly enhanced New World Order reign supreme...... Good day."


"Well, that was the Honorable Homer," Peter announced as if we didn't know, "and we'll be back with our guest this afternoon to anatomize his dissertation after our affiliate stations around the globe take this time for station identification. We'll be back shortly."

"This is an NBS news presentation...Remember...there's no BS on NBS!" Joe excitedly heralded.

Uh, th this is K...K..KKK..KK..KKKK, ch channel thirrrrrrrrteen in S..Stutter..Stutterton, Coloraaaad Colorado............whew!

"And now, here's NBS news anchorman, Peter Waylon Jennings....

"Thanks Joe, we have....."

"And remember......There's no BS on NBS!" Joe, with a big stupid grin, idiotically interupted, akwardly emphasizing each syllable.

"Uh, Ok Joe, thanks. We have with us.........."

"YOU"RE WELCOME, PETER!!!" Joe smiled even goofier, giving Jennings two thumbs up.

"Joe!!.....Uh, never mind.... We have with us this afternoon, columnist, editorialist, and owner of the 'National Review Of Intimidating Intellectualism And Other Boring Stuff' magazine, William F. Bucktooth. Now Bill, what did you think about the Honorable Homer's.....I guess, Presidential address?"

Mr. Bucktooth wisely rubbed his chin. "Well, I was expectant for an unscrupulous cessation, nevertheless he radically coddled the promulgation to denote his impetus synopses; being evasively aversive, while honking his own horn."

"Yes, I noticed that too," Peter affirmed. "His fortitude, this eventide, was empathetically comparable to, and grievously analogous of, quartering outward exertion to deposit his right foot in his left hand, only to become aware of it later in his mouth; if I may subsist at liberty to utilize suchlike jocularity. But, Bill, don't you agree Homer was bequesting his effervescence with kid gloves on?"

"Oh, without fail," he agreed "but, that doesn't propose that his unbefitting deportments were indispensably disfigured. I mean, unquestionable verities arduously sometimes usher in stentorian rumors. Above all, inadvertently as it may imply, his culpability was quite replete to transpire from his domicile."

"So then, what you're saying is," Jennings assumed, "had he emphatically ascertained his fishing rod, he would have apprehended aggrandized denizen of the deep?"

"Right, Right." Bucktooth answered, wisely chewing on the end of his intellectually enhancing bifocals. "But, all throughout his discourse, he procured axiomatic comportment behavior, opting in precedence of pending ballet lessons, though lacking a tutu! "

"Oh?" asked Peter quite surprised, "I must have missed that."

Bucktooth continued, "I surmise though, Homer, for his immense individual betterment, will fathom his tenet, stipulate the acidic meritorious dismay that badgers our intendment... if he avows the whet fortitude transversely alighted over the horizon... and will abate an excursion of the poignant plight of the inevitable status quo."

"...And might he prevail... may he bestow, a quid pro quo!" Peter rhymed with goose-bumps breaking out on his forehead and traveling down his spine.

"Here! Here!" Bucktooth concurred, profoundly reaching for a glass of water to cool off his tongue after it had been subjected to a lengthy, over abundance of hot air.

"For you stupid people at home watching, the Honorable Homer addressed the nation with a very poignant speech this afternoon, and we'll try to break it down into the simplest of terms. Mr Bucktooth, would you mind summarizing what we discussed earlier about the speech, for the 'little people' who aren't of the same caliber as we two?" Peter asked, with an arrogant grin.

"I suppose not," Bucktooth rolled his eyes, "If you don't have a chip on your shoulder by morning, you're screwed!"

"Thank you for being patient, Bill... I'll see you later on the greens...and maybe play a few holes. Well, that's all from this end. We'll see you at the dinner hour for a recap of all today's news. I'm Peter Waylon Jennings, good afternoon."

"This has been an NBS special news report.....And remember....There's no BS....."

"OH, KNOCK IT OFF, JOE!!!"

"OK, Gotcha Peter!" Joe winked, once again showing off his sparking pearly whites, and lest we forget, his dazzling deep-set dimples.
(Click)


I shut off the boob-tube and began talking to myself, "I've got to get out of here! No time to waste! Ain't no way I'm going to wear a chip on my shoulder. But I can't go anywhere till this dad-blasted snow and sleet stop falling! Matilda! Maggie! Man, I haven't left them enough food! I guess I'd better head home first thing tomorrow morning, blizzard or no blizzard. But right now, I just need a couple hours of shut-eye." I yawned.

As I hit my head on the pillow I felt something under its cover that was solid. I reached inside and pulled out a paperback book. I gazed at the jacket, reading its title: 'Everything You Wanted To Know About 20th Century Popular Music.'

I casually opened it as it fell, though unplanned, to a chapter about the world's most successful and