Thoughts, Ella G [best color ereader .txt] 📗

When I was at third block, we had lunch. With my best friend. Yes, I love him but I don't want to talk to him. Not to anyone. And if I do, I'll be angry again. Maybe that's the downside of bottling up emotions. I don't care. My emotions, my bottle, my padlock, my chains, my dark room. Nothing's yours. My emotions are mine, I don't need to share them. But a tiny part of me tells me to. I want to, I really want to, I want to. I want to. I wish. I wish I could, believe me, but I can't I'm sorry. Math seems like a suit that's kind of strong with me. It's like wearing a thin jacket on a summer day but you have short sleeves on and you're sweating and you can't take it off, but you have to, and your home is far so you can't go there easily and there's no shade and you're going to die of heatstroke, or someone's waiting to kill you, wait. They might've put something in the jacket, you can't take it off. You're gonna die in two ways. Three ways. Someone will kill you. Something will. Math is kind of hard, not that hard. I brought my grade up so that's okay. After math, I have history. Thanks to our new unit, I've been paying more attention. We're learning about the Big Three and about the Holocaust. We'll learn about Nanjing and the Holocaust after spring break because my teacher told me it'll be better and people can have a better break because it's sad. I read about them. Millions of times. The Holocaust victims were burnt, and thrown into mass graves. The Rape and Massacre of Nanjing was when Japan attacked China and raped millions of girls and women, females. They raped millions of females. Women who were 60+ also, and including little girls, and mothers, and I bet they raped the infants too, the animals. They're not animals, animals are nicer than that. They're monsters. Are all monsters evil? They're evil. They're evil. They just raped them. I read that sometimes when they find a family in a house, they make the fathers rape their daughters and the sons rape their mothers. Evil. The evil beings. I also read that Japan still apologizes to China, but China seems to ignore, then accept bits of it. I don't blame them. I blame them. I blame no one. Japan had a bad general and emperor, and what about now? They apologized. They won't do it again. I hope. I really hope they don't. They're not monsters. They're not animals. They're monsters. They're animals. They're nice. They're not animals and monsters because I believe there are some nice animals and monsters out there. They're not evil. That's what. They're not evil. They are not evil because they apologized. But is that enough? I could sense it getting. It told me to hush. I did. I hushed myself. Lunch came and went, and I had history next. We took notes and labeled the places in Europe and I saw that the Nazis took over most of Europe. I felt bad for Hitler. He could've been a painter, and painted the skies of Germany and Austria for his own eyes. Live for a long time and happily die and years later people could discover his beautiful paintings. But no, he killed millions. Jews. The poor Jews. Killed them simply because he didn't like them. I don't like mud. But should I kill mud? No. I can't it's not living. If it was, would I? No. Because it's living and simply because I don't like it doesn't mean I would kill it. No. That's wrong. That is wrong. You don't go ahead and kill something simply because you hate it, that's wrong. That is wrong. Wrong. Simply wrong. I'm kind of attracted to Hitler. Not because of his actions, that was evil. He could've been a painter. I saw one of them, I believe. Don't tell me I didn't, I did. I did. It was overlooking Germany or Austria, and it was painted in bright colors. I felt bad for Hitler because he gave in to his evil it, and he was in his own bottle, choking on the emotions he held inside. And once his inside self died, his evil side took over without being taken back and did all of that. I wonder how he was back then. Was he evil? I don't think so. If we were friends and I could've seen a glimpse of the future, we would hang out with the Jews and have fun with everyone and if that evil it was there I could've killed it for him. But I couldn't. I'm attracted to his artist ability, not the damned swastika. The Swastika is the thing I dread. I liked his landscapes. I wonder of the people who bought his paintings, did they burn them right after? Or did they keep them because they were pretty? I'm attracted to Hitler's painting abilities, and I feel bad for him dying in his bottle, but I hate his evil it. I hate his actions. I hate everything he did that was evil. It told me to hush. I slowed my mind down and silenced myself again.

History passed on. I liked the class. The teacher gave me a book to read and it was called "Counting the Stars" by Lois Lowry. I made it to page 24, and she asked me if I would like to bookmark it, and I said no, then she said "what?" and I said yes, because I did want to, and I said yes again, and she asked the question again. The class was too loud. I said no, it's okay and she smiled at me, and wrote down the page number for me and I smiled back. The smile I gave was halfway pass. I almost did a real, genuine smile. No, I did not. I didn't I gave a fake smile again. I sensed my eyes squinting by my action, they didn't squint on their own. I gathered my items and walked out of the classroom. I wanted so badly to go onto the bus without my best friend, but then he'd ask why. And then if I peep out one emotion, it'll tell me to hush. I waited. I slowly gathered the binders and notebooks and pencil and zipped my backpack with my stiff, cold hands. I didn't get angry at that. It was a petty thing to be mad about. When we walked to the bus, we sat in the back as usual, and we started on to a conversation. Then my stop came to view. My sister got off and I got off too, and I walked home. When I arrived home, I said my hellos and skipped lunch/dinner. My dad asked why I won't eat. I said I ate already. They asked what I ate and I said pizza. They told me to eat. I said no, I already ate. They told me to eat again, and I just went upstairs saying no. I dumped all my items onto my bed and started my homework. First, science, then French, and finally math. Tomorrow is spring break. I finished all my homework and my mom called out to me saying I should eat. I went downstairs, got some of the food, smeared it on the plate to make it seem like I ate, and waited 20 minutes and walked out. I washed the dishes and she told me to hurry up and finish my homework. I replied with "okay", and I went upstairs and read my book. Did the idiot not know to run? Oh wait, the author is controlling the life of the character like a puppet. I wonder if I am that character. Am I reading this book in this moment? Hush. Someone is controlling me. I feel it. The strings protruding from the back of my neck and the movements of my fingers as they turn the page. The character is on the edge of the cliff, almost falling. Her boyfriend saves her by pushing her backwards. I wonder what would've happened if he had not. Would she have died then her perspective of being dead float by and embed itself in the pages and transfer itself into words? I put down my book and walk downstairs. Evening had cast itself down and night painted the sky. Dots of white decorated parts of it. I screamed. Internally. Into my bottle. Screamed all my words and choked them back. They don't need to go out. They don't need to be there. I cut the words into pieces, screamed at them again, choked them down, and I drank a bottle of water and went upstairs. I cut the other words I screamed out and cut them tinier than the others. I pushed them down into the bottle and punched the lid. My fist was the helper and let out tiny words. I cut them again and pushed them into the bottle. Padlock and chains. Vault. I need to be calm or else every step I take will release words and emotions. Too much. I wish I could scream, I want to, I really do, I want to. I can. I can't. I cannot. I won't. I will not. I won't. I will not scream. Be quiet. Hush, be silent. Silence, shh. It's okay, be quiet. You're okay. I didn't scream. It is now 10:47 P.M. Everyone is probably asleep. I change into my PJ's. Tomorrow is spring break and another day of wondering when that somebody will kill me and what I'll do thanks to the Controller. I twist the cap of the bottle tight, and wrap the chains and rope around. I needed rope. I need rope. I put more chains around it and put a padlock on it. I then locked it tighter with another lock. They can't escape. My hands are cold again. I stare at my white ceiling. Shh, go to sleep. hush. shh. hush, hush. It's okay. You're okay. Shh. Shh. Shh. I listen. I close my eyes and think with eyes closed. Asleep but not asleep. I hush myself. It's okay.