Aboard My Train Of Thought, Scott C. Endsley [reading comprehension books .TXT] 📗

for the incompetence on my part of being so tardy in sending you my condolences concerning the passing of your precious little kitty, Miss Matilda Waudlebaum.
Serge Nicholavich Andropov
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Episode 6)
Monday, 12:04 PM
Conservative radio talk show host Flush Limbo had been engrossed early one particular morning reading his dozen or so newspapers, and flipping through several publications in preparation for his daily nationwide syndicated program. He no longer downed coffee and donuts. Instead, due to the insistence of his wife, Flush was munching on a granola bar and gulping orange juice.

"One minute, Flush!" His studio engineer gave him a thumbs up through the window.

Flush took a big swig and slipped the headphones on. "Hello, test.....Turn it up a hair."
Following an audio check that only a perfectionist could appreciate, his ever familiar theme song began. Limbo, nodding his head to the beat, entered in to his introductory exhortation with, "Hello Fiends, Consternationalists, and Homophobes all across the fruity plain, I, the Doctor of Demagoguery, Flush Limbo, with half my rear tied around my brain, am here with you on the second month of this cataclysmic ride aboard his presidential train of fraud! Ah, but there's hope, ladies and gentlemen, because you have me. And once the truth about this administration is revealed, once I uncover his dastardliness, we can stop his train right here. Thus, freeing its passengers, that being the American people, and America as a whole.
"Well, well, well, our President, Conductor Hipwing, is going to hold a press conference this evening, and he's going to tell us that we need a more centrist morale among our people--- to bring cohesion to this nation in dire need of his succor.

"You see, we need to know all over again how to think, ladies and gentlemen. You're not mature citizens, and Conductor Hipwing is all too happy to change your unworthy diaper for you......you see, you probably deserve a good spanking while he's at it, because you've misbehaved, America!..... When he liberated us from the (so called) Honorable Homer, he said he would lessen the clutches of government off our backs by ushering in a Libertarian agenda. One that would be in accord with some of the greatest Jeffersonian thinkers of our time. We believed him. He then asked us to board his train of thought, and we bought our tickets with our trust in him. But, just like in his Big Doggie-Doo-Kitty-Krap book, he's driving us over the edge!!!! Can't he now realize, once again, he's on the wrong track?!!! GOOD GODFREY!!!! STOP THIS TRAIN!!!..... We'll be right back after this:"

(Blip)

Where are you taking your kids out for dinner tonight?

Well, I don't know...

Hey, how about Big Buford's Buffulo Barf Bucket Burger Bistro Bagel Breakfast Bar And Bookstore?!

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!

You think our name is a tongue-twister, just wait'll you try our food! You can order from 21 items off our Big Buford's Bargain Bowel Blaster menu. This week's special is President Hipwing's favorite, Libertarian Liver And Onions!!!

Hi, this is President Hipwing. When things aren't moving as smooth as they normally do, I slip on over to Big Buford's Buffalo Barf Bucket Burger Bistro Bagel Breakfast Bar And Bookstore, and choose one of the many selections from Big Buford's Bargain Bowel Blasters. They have, Hard Luck Ham & Cheese, Trust Me Tuna, and of course my favorite, Libertarian Liver And Onions!!!... When things don't come out the way you hoped they would-- just remember-- This too shall pass. Hey, they don't just call it fast food out of mere coincidence!!! ...They also have a nice selection of cold drinks, such as, Centrist Citrus, and for those orders you forgot to pick up the day before, remember: Yesterday's Milk Is Tomorrow's Curds!

Big Buford's Buffalo Barf Bucket Burger Bistro Bagel Breakfast Bar And Bookstore--- Just follow your nose until you see the Buffalo!!!

(Blip)

"Yes well, how did you like that one? Yes, that's new, ladies and gentlemen, fresh from our production staff......Well, it's time for our 'Aboard His Train of Fraud' update." Flush announced.

Music: ("Locomotion" by Grand Funk Railroad)

"This just in from Moscow: Russian President, Serge Andropov, has declared Wednesday a day of mourning in Russia, in memory of Miss Matilda Waudlebaum. Radio Moscow will begin playing requiem selections at 12 midnight GMT on that date. Now, this... hee, hee!... is absurd.... Ah, but what can you expect from a bunch of retired bolsheviks?...

"But, let's look at Miss Waudlebaum's life. What did she contribute to world peace? She played Ping Pong. Perhaps she would have been instrumental in ushering in the growth of Capitalism in Communist China. Maybe, maybe not..... Ok, she spoke good English.... Ah, maybe we could have used her interpreter skills on behalf of the millions of Cats impoverished in third world countries... Maybe she and Simba could have traveled aboard her Train of Thought and prevented the slave trade in Africa from finding its way to America!

"Matilda, our thoughts and prayers are with those you've left behind.... And in memory of a beloved feline the world will surely miss, we dedicate this to you, Miss Waudlebaum."

Music: ("Waltzing Matilda" by The Down-Under All Boys Choir)

"Ok, lets take our first call of the day... Tim, in Virginia Beach. Hi, you're on the Flush Limbo Show."

"Diddly from the left, believe it or not, Flush!" Tim answered.

"Oh Ho! Well, we don't always disagree, do we?.... Go ahead, what do you agree with me about?" Flush delighted with his usual inquisitive but confident demeanor.

"Well, Flush, I'm one of those Yellow Dog Democrats that YOU'D just as soon put to sleep. But, I agree with you! We're really in trouble. Why in the world does Mr Hipwing want to go back on the Gold standard? The Gross National Product has kept things stable for years. Reviving the Gold Standard will only hurt the economy, Flush!"

"No, no," Limbo disagreed, "No, I think he wants to...Well, I don't have the figgers, but presumably, it will put money back into the national debt, but I...."

"Yeah, but Flush, it looks good on paper now, but what if it doesn't work in the real process of executing it? I'm surprised by you, Flush. For years you put down the Plimpton administration because they had all their theories, but...."

"No," Flush interrupted, "If you had remembered correctly, my problem with Plimpton is the same one with this President: No real convictions on anything! Take the abortion issue... and I'm sure you and I are on opposite sides of that fence. Our Conductor President has said from the beginning that he's overtly Pro-Life....Wemsley Higglethorp, his Supreme Court nominee, could care less about the issue!....Where are our President's convictions on this issue, HMMMMM? .....He's simply Pseudo Conservative!!" Flush reiterated his point.

"Flush, the abortion thing is one issue that's tearing this country apart! If people like yourself are so Pro-Life, why don't you start adopting babies?!!!"

"Some do, Tim! But let's change the subject. Let's say, hypothetically, in twenty years the government decides for us that after a certain age, say 65 (that's a good number), that we would no longer be useful, in fact we'd be a burden to society as a whole, and for the common good, euthanasia becomes the order of the day. Ask yourself, Tim, wouldn't you be incensed? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to stop it?"

"Well, if it were mandatory, of course... But, what's that got to do with abortion?"

"Well, Tim," Flush interjected, "how many grandmas are you going to take in and hide in your basement. If you're so against it, why don't YOU adopt a grandma or two?.....You see, it's a matter of conviction.... Legalized abortion was unthinkable only 50 years ago. The numorous atrocities in the name of convenience committed on the unborn in this country pale the Aushwitz's. Not that they weren't just as evil... But, Hitler would have loved the subtlety of
Pro-Choice!

"I have time for one more call before the break....Giles in Santa Barbara, Hi, you're on the Flush Limbo Show."

"Flush, old boy, I have a bone to pick with you!"

"I can sense an Irish temperament a mile away," Flush laughed.

"Scotch-Irish, mind ya, and I don't like the way you're being disrespectful toward the leader of the free world, Flush!"

"Well, Giles....."

"Don't interrupt," Giles griped, "what's with this Big Bufords Buffalo Bowel Blaster Bunk?!?! We have no business hearin' about the president's throne dispositions! What about yours?.... That's right, everyone phone in your bowel reports and may the best chap triumph!!!"

"Giles!... Ha Ha... you.... Hee Hee....You just.... gave an example of what I try to illustrate on this show. Here we demonstrate absurdity by being absurd.!" Flush lightly lectured.

"All good and well, Flush, but I'M going to demonstrate not talking anymore, by hanging up! Good day, Sir!" (CLICK!!!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------

(Episode 7)
Shortly before my press conference, Ralph paced back and forth as I was going over my notes. Silence spoke on behalf of the both of us while waiting the moments beforehand which to Ralph seemed everlasting as he looked down at his counterfeit Rolex, and noticed it had stopped.
A staffer opened the door and informed us it was time. I slapped Ralph on the back, and gave a smile of confidence as we then headed down the hall, noticing some of the faces moving from side to side to get a better look at the man accompanying me. I gazed with displeasure at the back row as someone in the press remarked, "Oh my God! He's black!"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press," I greeted, "I've called this press conference this evening to introduce the man I feel is best qualified to hold the office of Vice President of the United States of America. Let me introduce to you a man whose character and abilities outweigh the possible reproach that is sure to face him in the coming days. Let me say on social and economic policy, we are bound to differ in some ways. But I have chosen this man because of the love and commitment he has displayed for this nation. I hope this act of cooperative spirit in the upper echelons of the American government, will inspire the people to join us in our effort to reunite this nation in its destiny, once again, towards greatness. To the American people, it is my good pleasure to introduce my good friend, Mr. Raphael J. McCovey!"

"MR. PRESIDENT?!?!" The press stood up in unison, each one eager to be first with a question quite like vagrants begging for handouts.

"I have time for just a few... yes, go ahead, Sam." I nodded toward the third row.

"Mr. President, can you tell us what you feel is the most contributing factor in the recent rush to buy your book, since it has now sold over three million copies?... And I have a followup, Sir. Thank you." The reporter sat back down.

"Well, I didn't want to talk about my book, you see....."

"Isn't it true, Mr. President," the reporter started to insist, "with all respect Sir, that....."

"Respect, my big black hairy butt!" Ralph butted in, grabbing the mike. "Who do you think you're talkin' to? Y'all are just a bunch of overrated, overpaid talk show hosts!!!"

"Ralph, you can't say that!...." I whispered, and unsuccessfully tried to step in front of the microphone.

"Y'all don't know a thing about respect," Ralph continued. "Where's your respect for the man who holds the highest office in the country? He says he don't wanna talk about his