Bureaucracy, Honoré de Balzac [best classic books to read .txt] 📗

one refuses to pay one's debts, that's recognizing them."

Thuillier. "You would make famous lawyers."

Poiret. "I am as curious as Monsieur Phellion to know what grounds Monsieur Bixiou has for--"

Bixiou [shouting across the office]. "Du Bruel! Will you bet?"

Du Bruel [appearing at the door]. "Heavens and earth, gentlemen, I'm very busy; I have something very difficult to do; I've got to write an obituary notice of Monsieur de la Billardiere. I do beg you to be quiet; you can laugh and bet afterwards."

Bixiou. "That's true, du Bruel; the praise of an honest man is a very difficult thing to write. I'd rather any day draw a caricature of him."

Du Bruel. "Do come and help me, Bixiou."

Bixiou [following him]. "I'm willing; though I can do such things much better when eating."

Du Bruel. "Well, we will go and dine together afterwards. But listen, this is what I have written" [reads] "'The Church and the Monarchy are daily losing many of those who fought for them in Revolutionary times.'"

Bixiou. "Bad, very bad; why don't you say, 'Death carries on its ravages amongst the few surviving defenders of the monarchy and the old and faithful servants of the King, whose heart bleeds under these reiterated blows?'" [Du Bruel writes rapidly.] "'Monsieur le Baron Flamet de la Billardiere died this morning of dropsy, caused by heart disease.' You see, it is just as well to show there are hearts in government offices; and you ought to slip in a little flummery about the emotions of the Royalists during the Terror,--might be useful, hey! But stay,--no! the petty papers would be sure to say the emotions came more from the stomach than the heart. Better leave that out. What are you writing now?"

Du Bruel [reading]. "'Issuing from an old parliamentary stock in which devotion to the throne was hereditary, as was also attachment to the faith of our fathers, Monsieur de la Billardiere--'"

Bixiou. "Better say Monsieur le Baron de la Billardiere."

Du Bruel. "But he wasn't baron in 1793."

Bixiou. "No matter. Don't you remember that under the Empire Fouche was telling an anecdote about the Convention, in which he had to quote Robespierre, and he said, 'Robespierre called out to me, "Duc d'Otrante, go to the Hotel de Ville."' There's a precedent for you!"

Du Bruel. "Let me just write that down; I can use it in a vaudeville.--But to go back to what we were saying. I don't want to put 'Monsieur le baron,' because I am reserving his honors till the last, when they rained upon him."

Bixiou. "Oh! very good; that's theatrical,--the finale of the article."

Du Bruel [continuing]. "'In appointing Monsieur de la Billardiere gentleman-in-ordinary--'"

Bixiou. "Very ordinary!"

Du Bruel. "'--of the Bedchamber, the King rewarded not only the services rendered by the Provost, who knew how to harmonize the severity of his functions with the customary urbanity of the Bourbons, but the bravery of the Vendean hero, who never bent the knee to the imperial idol. He leaves a son, who inherits his loyalty and his talents.'"

Bixiou. "Don't you think all that is a little too florid? I should tone down the poetry. 'Imperial idol!' 'bent the knee!' damn it, my dear fellow, writing vaudevilles has ruined your style; you can't come down to pedestrial prose. I should say, 'He belonged to the small number of those who.' Simplify, simplify! the man himself was a simpleton."

Du Bruel. "That's vaudeville, if you like! You would make your fortune at the theatre, Bixiou."

Bixiou. "What have you said about Quiberon?" [Reads over du Bruel's shoulder.] "Oh, that won't do! Here, this is what you must say: 'He took upon himself, in a book recently published, the responsibility for all the blunders of the expedition to Quiberon,--thus proving the nature of his loyalty, which did not shrink from any sacrifice.' That's clever and witty, and exalts La Billardiere."

Du Bruel. "At whose expense?"

Bixiou [solemn as a priest in a pulpit]. "Why, Hoche and Tallien, of course; don't you read history?"

Du Bruel. "No. I subscribed to the Baudouin series, but I've never had time to open a volume; one can't find matter for vaudevilles there."

Phellion [at the door]. "We all want to know, Monsieur Bixiou, what made you think that the worthy and honorable Monsieur Rabourdin, who has so long done the work of this division for Monsieur de la Billardiere,--he, who is the senior head of all the bureaus, and whom, moreover, the minister summoned as soon as he heard of the departure of the late Monsieur de la Billardiere,--will not be appointed head of the division."

Bixiou. "Papa Phellion, you know geography?"

Phellion [bridling up]. "I should say so!"

Bixiou. "And history?"

Phellion [affecting modesty]. "Possibly."

Bixiou [looking fixedly at him]. "Your diamond pin is loose, it is coming out. Well, you may know all that, but you don't know the human heart; you have gone no further in the geography and history of that organ than you have in the environs of the city of Paris."

Poiret [to Vimeux]. "Environs of Paris? I thought they were talking of Monsieur Rabourdin."

Bixiou. "About that bet? Does the entire bureau Rabourdin bet against me?"

All. "Yes."

Bixiou. "Du Bruel, do you count in?"

Du Bruel. "Of course I do. We want Rabourdin to go up a step and make room for others."

Bixiou. "Well, I accept the bet,--for this reason; you can hardly understand it, but I'll tell it to you all the same. It would be right and just to appoint Monsieur Rabourdin" [looking full at Dutocq], "because, in that case, long and faithful service, honor, and talent would be recognized, appreciated, and properly rewarded. Such an appointment is in the best interests of the administration." [Phellion, Poiret, and Thuillier listen stupidly, with the look of those who try to peer before them in the darkness.] "Well, it is just because the promotion would be so fitting, and because the man has such merit, and because the measure is so eminently wise and equitable that I bet Rabourdin will not be appointed. Yes, you'll see, that appointment will slip up, just like the invasion from Boulogne, and the march to Russia, for the success of which a great genius has gathered together all the chances. It will fail as all good and just things do fail in this low world. I am only backing the devil's game."

Du Bruel. "Who do you think will be appointed?"

Bixiou. "The more I think about Baudoyer, the more sure I feel that he unites all the opposite qualities; therefore I think he will be the next head of this division."

Dutocq. "But Monsieur des Lupeaulx, who sent for me to borrow my Charlet, told me positively that Monsieur Rabourdin was appointed, and that the little La Billardiere would be made Clerk of the Seals."

Bixiou. "Appointed, indeed! The appointment can't be made and signed under ten days. It will certainly not be known before New-Year's day. There he goes now across the courtyard; look at him, and say if the virtuous Rabourdin looks like a man in the sunshine of favor. I should say he knows he's dismissed." [Fleury rushes to the window.] "Gentlemen, adieu; I'll go and tell Monsieur Baudoyer that I hear from you that Rabourdin is appointed; it will make him furious, the pious creature! Then I'll tell him of our wager, to cool him down,--a process we call at the theatre turning the Wheel of Fortune, don't we, du Bruel? Why do I care who gets the place? simply because if Baudoyer does he will make me under-head-clerk" [goes out].

Poiret. "Everybody says that man is clever, but as for me, I can never understand a word he says" [goes on copying]. "I listen and listen; I hear words, but I never get at any meaning; he talks about the environs of Paris when he discusses the human heart and" [lays down his pen and goes to the stove] "declares he backs the devil's game when it is a question of Russia and Boulogne; now what is there so clever in that, I'd like to know? We must first admit that the devil plays any game at all, and then find out what game; possibly dominoes" [blows his nose].

Fleury [interrupting]. "Pere Poiret is blowing his nose; it must be eleven o'clock."

Du Bruel. "So it is! Goodness! I'm off to the secretary; he wants to read the obituary."

Poiret. "What was I saying?"

Thuillier. "Dominoes,--perhaps the devil plays dominoes." [Sebastien enters to gather up the different papers and circulars for signature.]

Vimeux. "Ah! there you are, my fine young man. Your days of hardship are nearly over; you'll get a post. Monsieur Rabourdin will be appointed. Weren't you at Madame Rabourdin's last night? Lucky fellow! they say that really superb women go there."

Sebastien. "Do they? I didn't know."

Fleury. "Are you blind?"

Sebastien. "I don't like to look at what I ought not to see."

Phellion [delighted]. "Well said, young man!"

Vimeux. "The devil! well, you looked at Madame Rabourdin enough, any how; a charming woman."

Fleury. "Pooh! thin as a rail. I saw her in the Tuileries, and I much prefer Percilliee, the ballet-mistress, Castaing's victim."

Phellion. "What has an actress to do with the wife of a government official?"

Dutocq. "They both play comedy."

Fleury [looking askance at Dutocq]. "The physical has nothing to do with the moral, and if you mean--"

Dutocq. "I mean nothing."

Fleury. "Do you all want to know which of us will really be made head of this bureau?"

All. "Yes, tell us."

Fleury. "Colleville."

Thuillier. "Why?"

Fleury. "Because Madame Colleville has taken the shortest way to it--through the sacristy."

Thuillier. "I am too much Colleville's friend not to beg you, Monsieur Fleury, to speak respectfully of his wife."

Phellion. "A defenceless woman should never be made the subject of conversation here--"

Vimeux. "All the more because the charming Madame Colleville won't invite Fleury to her house. He backbites her in revenge."

Fleury. "She may not receive me on the same footing that she does Thuillier, but I go there--"

Thuillier. "When? how?--under her windows?"

Though Fleury was dreaded as a bully in all the offices, he received Thuillier's speech in silence. This meekness, which surprised the other clerks, was owing to a certain note for two hundred francs, of doubtful value, which Thuillier agreed to pass over to his sister. After this skirmish dead silence prevailed. They all wrote steadily from one to three o'clock. Du Bruel did not return.

About half-past three the usual preparations for departure, the brushing of hats, the changing of coats, went on in all the ministerial offices. That precious thirty minutes thus employed served to shorten by just so much the day's labor. At this hour the over-heated rooms cool off; the peculiar odor that hangs about the bureaus evaporates; silence is restored. By four o'clock none but a few clerks who do their duty conscientiously remain. A minister may know who are the real workers under him if he will take the trouble to walk through the divisions after four o'clock,--a species of prying, however, that no one of his dignity would condescend to.

The various heads of divisions and bureaus usually encountered each other in the courtyards at this hour and exchanged opinions on the events of the day. On this occasion they departed by twos and threes, most of them agreeing in favor of Rabourdin; while the old