A Poor Wise Man, Mary Roberts Rinehart [classic book list TXT] 📗

and often engulfed him.

She was rather wistful those days, struggling with her own perplexities, and blindly reaching out for a hand to help her. But she could not bring herself to confession. She would wander into her father’s dressing-room before she went to bed, and, sitting on the arm of his deep chair, would try indirectly to get him to solve the problems that were troubling her. But he was inarticulate and rather shy with her. He had difficulty, sometimes, after her long absence at school and camp, in realizing her as the little girl who had once begged for his neckties to make into doll frocks.

Once she said:

“Could you love a person you didn’t entirely respect, father?”

“Love is founded on respect, Lily.”

She pondered that. She felt that he was wrong.

“But it does happen, doesn’t it?” she had persisted.

He had been accustomed to her searchings for interesting abstractions for years. She used to talk about religion in the same way. So he smiled and said:

“There is a sort of infatuation that is based on something quite different.”

“On what?”

But he had rather floundered there. He could not discuss physical attraction with her.

“We’re getting rather deep for eleven o’clock at night, aren’t we?”

After a short silence:

“Do you mind speaking about Aunt Elinor, father?”

“No, dear. Although it is rather a painful subject.”

“But if she is happy, why is it painful?”

“Well, because Doyle is the sort of man he is.”

“You mean-because he is unfaithful to her? Or was?”

He was very uncomfortable.

“That is one reason for it, of course. There are others.”

“But if he is faithful to her now, father? Don’t you think, whatever a man has been, if he really cares for a woman it makes him over?”

“Sometimes, not always.” The subject was painful to him. He did not want his daughter to know the sordid things of life. But he added, gallantly: “Of course a good woman can do almost anything she wants with a man, if he cares for her.”

She lay awake almost all night, thinking that over.

On the Sunday following Louis Akers’ call Mademoiselle learned of it, by the devious route of the servants’ hall, and she went to Lily at once, yearning and anxious, and in her best lace collar. She needed courage, and to be dressed in her best gave her moral strength.

“It is not,” she said, “that they wish to curtail your liberty, Lily. But to have that man come here, when he knows he is not wanted, to force himself on you - “

“I need not have seen him. I wanted to see him.”

Mademoiselle waved her hands despairingly.

“If they find it out!” she wailed.

“They will. I intend to tell them.”

But Mademoiselle made her error there. She was fearful of Grace’s attitude unless she forewarned her, and Grace, frightened, immediately made it a matter of a family conclave. She had not intended to include Anthony, but he came in on an excited speech from Howard, and heard it all.

The result was that instead of Lily going to them with her confession, she was summoned, to find her family a unit for once and combined against her. She was not to see Louis Akers again, or the Doyles.

They demanded a promise, but she refused. Yet even then, standing before them, forced to a defiance she did not feel, she was puzzled as well as angry. They were wrong, and yet in some strange way they were right, too. She was Cardew enough to get their point of view. But she was Cardew enough, too, to defy them.

She did it rather gently.

“You must understand,” she said, her hands folded in front of her, “that it is not so much that I care to see the people you are talking about. It is that I feel I have the right to choose my own friends.”

“Friends!” sneered old Anthony. “A third-rate lawyer, a - “

“That is not the point, grandfather. I went away to school when I was a little girl. I have been away for five years. You cannot seem to realize that I am a woman now, not a child. You bring me in here like a bad child.”

In the end old Anthony had slammed out of the room. There were arguments after that, tears on Grace’s part, persuasion on Howard’s; but Lily had frozen against what she considered their tyranny, and Howard found in her a sort of passive resistance, that drove him frantic.

“Very well,” he said finally. “You have the arrogance of youth, and its cruelty, Lily. And you are making us all suffer without reason.”

“Don’t you think I might say that too, father?”

“Are you in love with this man?”

“I have only seen him four times. If you would give me some reasons for all this fuss - “

“There are things I cannot explain to you. You wouldn’t understand.”

“About his moral character?”

Howard was rather shocked. He hesitated:

“Yes.”

“Will you tell me what they are?”

“Good heavens, no!” he exploded. “The man’s a radical, too. That in itself ought to be enough.”

“You can’t condemn a man for his political opinions.”

“Political opinions!”

“Besides,” she said, looking at him with her direct gaze, “isn’t there some reason in what the radicals believe, father? Maybe it is a dream that can’t come true, but it is rather a fine dream, isn’t it?”

It was then that Howard followed his father’s example, and flung out of the room.

After that Lily went, very deliberately and without secrecy, to the house on Cardew Way. She found a welcome there, not so marked on her Aunt Elinor’s part as on Doyle’s, but a welcome. She found approval, too, where at home she had only suspicion and a solicitude based on anxiety. She found a clever little circle there, and sometimes a cultured one; underpaid, disgruntled, but brilliant professors from the college, a journalist or two, a city councilman, even prosperous merchants, and now and then strange bearded foreigners who were passing through the city and who talked brilliantly of the vision of Lenine and the future of Russia.

She learned that the true League of Nations was not a political alliance, but a union of all the leveled peoples of the world. She had no curiosity as to how this leveling was to be brought about. All she knew was that these brilliant dreamers made her welcome, and that instead of the dinner chat at home, small personalities, old Anthony’s comments on his food, her father’s heavy silence, here was world talk, vast in its scope, idealistic, intoxicating.

Almost always Louis Akers was there; it pleased her to see how the other men listened to him, deferred to his views, laughed at his wit. She did not know the care exercised in selecting the groups she was to meet, the restraints imposed on them. And she could not know that from her visits the Doyle establishment was gaining a prestige totally new to it, an almost respectability.

Because of those small open forums, sometimes noted in the papers, those innocuous gatherings, it was possible to hold in that very room other meetings, not open and not innocuous, where practical plans took the place of discontented yearnings, and where the talk was more often of fighting than of brotherhood.

She was, by the first of May, frankly infatuated with Louis Akers, yet with a curious knowledge that what she felt was infatuation only. She would lie wide-eyed at night and rehearse painfully the weaknesses she saw so clearly in him. But the next time she saw him she would yield to his arms, passively but without protest. She did not like his caresses, but the memory of them thrilled her.

She was following the first uncurbed impulse of her life. Guarded and more or less isolated from other youth, she had always lived a strong inner life, purely mental, largely interrogative. She had had strong childish impulses, sometimes of pure affection, occasionally of sheer contrariness, but always her impulses had been curbed.

“Do be a little lady,” Mademoiselle would say.

She had got, somehow, to feel that impulse was wrong. It ranked with disobedience. It partook of the nature of sin. People who did wicked things did them on impulse, and were sorry ever after; but then it was too late.

As she grew older, she added something to that. Impulses of the mind led to impulses of the body, and impulse was wrong. Passion was an impulse of the body. Therefore it was sin. It was the one sin one could not talk about, so one was never quite clear about it. However, one thing seemed beyond dispute; it was predominatingly a masculine wickedness. Good women were beyond and above it, its victims sometimes, like those girls at the camp, or its toys, like the sodden creatures in the segregated district who hung, smiling their tragic smiles, around their doorways in the late afternoons.

But good women were not like that. If they were, then they were not good. They did not lie awake remembering the savage clasp of a man’s arms, knowing all the time that this was not love, but something quite different. Or if it was love, that it was painful and certainly not beautiful.

Sometimes she thought about Willy Cameron. He had had very exalted ideas about love. He used to be rather oratorical about it.

“It’s the fundamental principle of the universe,” he would say, waving his pipe wildly. “But it means suffering, dear child. It feeds on martyrdom and fattens on sacrifice. And as the h.c. of l. doesn’t affect either commodity, it lives forever.”

“What does it do, Willy, if it hasn’t any martyrdom and sacrifice to feed on? Do you mean to say that when it is returned and everybody is happy, it dies?”

“Practically,” he had said. “It then becomes domestic contentment, and expresses itself in the shape of butcher’s bills and roast chicken on Sundays.”

But that had been in the old carefree days, before Willy had thought he loved her, and before she had met Louis.

She made a desperate effort one day to talk to her mother. She wanted, somehow, to be set right in her own eyes. But Grace could not meet her even half way; she did not know anything about different sorts of love, but she did know that love was beautiful, if you met the right man and married him. But it had to be some one who was your sort, because in the end marriage was only a sort of glorified companionship.

The moral in that, so obviously pointed at Louis Akers, invalidated the rest of it for Lily.

She was in a state of constant emotional excitement by that time, and it was only a night or two after that she quarreled with her grandfather. There had been a dinner party, a heavy, pompous affair, largely attended, for although spring was well advanced, the usual May hegira to the country or the coast had not yet commenced. Industrial conditions in and around the city were too disturbed for the large employers to get away, and following Lent there had been a sort of sporadic gayety, covering a vast uneasiness. There was to be no polo after all.

Lily, doing her best to make the dinner a success, found herself contrasting it with the gatherings at the Doyle house, and found it very dull. These men, with their rigidity of mind, invited because they held her grandfather’s opinions, or because they kept their own convictions to themselves, seemed to her of a bygone time. She did not see in them a safe counterpoise to a people which in its reaction from the old order, was ready to swing to anything that was