Shame Of Maastricht: The Revelation of Misery, Marie N. Hallen [my miracle luna book free read .txt] 📗

nervosa, dysmorphophobia or depression. All these stories had different endings, from relatively happy to fatal, but mine will be unique and this is why I keep track of it. How far will I go? I will keep starving myself as long as I can do without food. Before I lose my ability to walk, reflect and hear everyone around. Maybe then I can have my last supper and see what it brings. I don’t know why this desire disappeared but I hope it’s gone for good. I don’t think I will break down and go in for bulimia like people I used to know.

Do I really want to eat? Deep inside I secretly admit I might want to have a portion of fresh sushi, a big ice-cream topped with whipped cream, chocolate sauce and colorful toppings like gummies, M&Ms or something similar. Maybe I would like to have shrimp salad, steamed meat with tomato sauce, seafood or fish. After all, I might like fries, chocolate brownies, condensed milk or vla. But I won’t. Because I don’t deserve food. Maybe you would like to ask me why? Maybe you would like to know the reason? I can keep persuading myself and telling myself not to make an airship out of a condom and repeat it again and again, but it won’t let me go. There is certainly a reason, but… No, I can’t express it even here.

I wouldn’t say I’m ugly. But I could be better. And yes, here is the second reason why I should stop eating. If you want something, you have to deserve it.

Maybe you wonder how old I am? I’m thirteen. My identity documents say I’m eleven years older, but I’m still thirteen. And no, I don’t want to grow up. What is the purpose of growing up? People I know are twenty-four and twenty-five but I’m too far away from them. All their interests are yoga, meditation, fitness and family life. This is what happens when you are over eighteen or twenty. To dissolve in those adult things. I don’t want to be one of them. Sometimes it happens even sooner. I don’t want to go into that. I love music, art-house movies and programming. I love to program. But none of my hobbies will ever cover or heal the hole in my heart. I was only beginning to live, and they killed me.

There is one more thing I can say. I really hate people and I mean it. I don’t even like to go outside because this makes me depressed when I see all those hateful faces. I hate to use the metro or walk. I hate them for being indifferent and unwilling to help. I used to work in public relations and communication-associated duties started to freak me out in a couple of months. I can’t live in this hypocritical society. I tried to help everyone I know, always tried to be useful, to put the others in the first place ahead of myself, to do everything possible for people who didn’t even consider me their friend. And whenever I need help, I’m either ignored or directly rejected. And no, I’m not exaggerating. When I was having hard times, no one even wanted to talk to me. And no one supported me. Why do I always care about everyone? You probably think I’m so bad that no one wants to be friends with me? No, you're wrong. I had friends and they got killed. Killed by… Does it matter if I write their names? But I can’t make the new ones although I tried to do my best

And yes I have delusions of grandeur. But is it bad? What is bad about being selfish? I just think I’m right.

Do you know my biggest fear? I’m just afraid that nothing will happen. I think this is the worst scenario. Even if I try to change something, even if I struggle to the day I die, it will be a wasted time interval because there is nothing ahead. No one can see or hear me. Whatever I do, whatever I share, change, invent, create, it will get lost in the empty abyss. I don’t exist, I’m just a shadow.

But tomorrow… Tomorrow it will end. I hope I don’t approach that abyss which has already devoured my friends.

 

Tragedy For Two

“This is impressive,” doctor Martens said, after he reviewed Sterre’s blog she used as her private diary. “You know, things are not that bad, at least you are realistic enough when it comes to reality perception. It’s good that you realize the key reasons that have led to your current state and build your worldview.”

“Why can’t I escape this abyss?” Sterre asked. “I haven’t found any answers to my question.”

“You can, of course you can. But you are already in this abyss. And my main task is to help you find a way out.”

“I don’t want this to repeat again and again. I can’t look at them. I can’t stand them. I don’t want to be like them. But I don’t want to stay aside. And I can’t change myself.”

“You need to believe in yourself and in your future. If you keep painting it in black, the reality will match your expectations and you will never be happy with it. You get what you believe in.”

“I have no power left. I can’t believe in anything. All hope is gone. I can’t even imagine I will be living the life I want.”

“And this is the main problem. We will keep looking and some day we will approach this goal. I will help you. But it takes time of course.”

Sterre went out and sat down on a seat in the hall.

“Next!” doctor martens called.

“Go, honey,” Kate pushed Luuk towards the door. He only smiled but entered the room. Kate remained sitting and waiting for him. There was no one else in the lobby but the patient who had just left the room and sat down, a very skinny girl with a pale face and dark circles around her eyes. With her cachectic body, slim legs and raw-boned arms she looked exhausted and frail, like a prisoner of a concentration camp who just got released. Her face expression was apathetic and deprived of any emotions but at the same time one could guess there was a deep dark sorrow frozen deep inside. The girl got up and was about to walk away only to faint after walking a few steps towards the exit. Kate rushed to her trying to help her get up.

“Are you alright? Can you hear me?”

The girl opened her eyes and looked at Kate.

“No I’m not as you can see. But yeah, I still can hear you. Goddamn side-effects.”

Kate helped her get up and sit down on the chair.

“Thank you very much,” she said then as Kate helped her walk towards the seats

“I suggest that we sit down. Maybe you need to rest a bit before you go. Here is some water,” Kate took out a bottle of still water and handed it to the girl. “I also have pills but not sure if they can help. Do you have a condition?”

“Try to guess which one.”

“Well, to be honest it looks like you have anorexia. Or maybe even bulimia. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you have a few comorbidities. You look very bad, really.”

“You know,” the girl replied, looking down, “If it was someone else, I would tell them to fuck off and go to the hell. But you seem to be different for some reason. I have schizophrenia, anorexia and clinical depression. And if misanthropy was considered a clinical diagnosis, I would add that as well. But who cares? Haha!” she burst in a hysterical laughter.

“I understand,” Kate said and sighed. “I would say I’m sorry to hear that but I know it won’t help and you won’t appreciate it. Will be stupid enough. But you know, I also had anorexia and depression. Caused by objective reasons though. What’s your name?” Kate glanced at the girl who was breathing heavily staring at the ceiling. She could see scars on her skin which resembled burns.

“Sterre. I’m a suicide survivor. Hello, I’m Sterre and I’m a suicide survivor. It’s been two months since I don’t make any suicide or self-harm attempts! Hahaha! And don’t ever say you're sorry, yeah!” She burst into sarcastic laughter again and looked at Kate for the first time. “And what’s your name? Who the hell are you? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Kate. I can’t boast any suicide attempts. But my husband is suffering from a posttraumatic stress disorder, also substance abuse. For the same reason.”

“Suck for you. How can you tolerate such people around you? I’d leave him. Family life sucks. Just like everything else. Did he attempt to kill himself?”

“Not yet. What did you do to yourself?”

“I tried to electrocute myself, no success as you can see. My parents found me on the floor with a fork in my hand. If they came up a bit later, I would be six feet under.”

“I would say there is some degree of success. At least you will have these burns forever.” Kate looked at her scars once again. “I was also electrocuted, last year. But they tortured us. Better than suicide though.”

“Wow… Why do they always torture wrong people? All my friends and boyfriend died in the fire. I wish someone else was in their place...”

Kate told her the whole story without hiding any details. Sterre seemed to be really impressed and her eyes reflected some kind of engagement.

“Sounds unbelievable,” Sterre commented on Kate’s story. “But if I were you, I would beware of the consequences. He literally killed his girlfriend. Her family wouldn’t let it go. Just saying. But it’s just because I hate people and don’t see a single reason to trust them.”

“Do you also live in Maastricht?” Kate asked.

“Yes, not far from the city center. I live with my parents. Yes, I’m twenty-three and still live with my parents. What a loser.”

“Miserable, indeed,” Kate smiled, “Oh yes, this can be true hell sometimes.”

“Listen, I don’t know how you got through all this and coped. I don’t know what I would do if they captured me. I attend this psychiatrist every week. Just wondering what happens then. They insisted.”

“And you don’t eat at all?” Kate wondered and recalled how she fasted last year with some good results, although good only for her shape and not for her health.

“I don't remember when it all started. No, I wouldn't call this complete starving. I drink coffee and tea, vegan milk and juice. Sometimes I get a lollipop. Sometimes Greek yogurt. So one way, or anything, I do get a few hundred calories every day and don't feel hungry. Fuck water, makes me sick. But if I were more diligent, there would be imminent starvation. And more damage.”

“And you really don’t want to eat?”

“No, I don’t. Well, in the evening I do feel some hunger, but tolerable enough. Just take a cup of tea and it will die. If you don’t tease me with food, I will do quite well without it. For a while. But sometimes I wanna kill my neighbours and family who stink with food, especially this disgusting roasted sausage.”

“Why are you doing this?”

Sterre explained everything, literally citing her posts from the blog.

“If you want to lose as much weight as possible, you have already succeeded. Your weight is critical and you are skinny enough. But if you have another reason, it will kill you.”

Once Luuk went out, they exchanged their phone numbers and decided to meet next time. Kate and Luuk went home.

Just when Kate entered the house, she felt how dark the atmosphere had become over the time. It was still sunny in every room, yet all this light and white interior started feeling laser cold, as if the cosiness evaporated. Luuk was silent, he didn’t say a word