Samantha at the St. Louis Exposition, Marietta Holley [classic english novels txt] 📗

on a pedestal with an old calico dress pinned up round her waist and a slat sunbunnet on and her pardner's rubber boots, and her sleeves rolled up, and her face red as blood with hard work, and her hands all swelled up with hot soap suds and lye, what beauty would there be in it? It always did seem onreasonable besides bein' so tuckerin' no woman could stand it for a day."

He looked mad as a hen and sez he, "They could manage it if their minds wuz strong enough."

Sez I, "It seems to me it would depend more on the strength of their legs, specially if the pedestal wuz a high one. I never could git up onto it at all if I should go into it without gittin' up on a chair and then on a table. No woman no matter how strong she wuz could git more than two meals a day under the circumstances."

Josiah looked worried and sez, "Well, mebby there has been too much said about it, mebby it would be jest as well to leave pedestals to statters."

And I sez, "It is as well agin. Wimmen couldn't stand it with all they have to do."

And so we ended by bein' real congenial in our two minds and thinkin' considerable alike, which is indeed a comfort to pardners. And we read our chapter in the Bible and had family prayers jest as we do to home. For I would not leave off all the good old habits of my life because my body wuz moved round a little. And we had a good night's rest and sot out in good season the next mornin' for the Exposition.

The next mornin' grandpa Huff said to the breakfast table that he did wish he had someone to read to him that day, everybody wuz goin' to the Fair and he wuz goin' to be left alone. So Blandina, clever creeter that she is, said she would stay and read to him from his favorite volume, Foxe's Book of Martyr's, and also from Lamentations and Job. Billy said his grandpa wuz never happy only when he wuz perfectly miserable. We have all seen such folks.

So Josiah and I sot off alone, and he bein' in good sperits and bein' gin to new and strange projects, proposed that we should take an ortomobile. I didn't favor the idee and said:

"Id'no about it, Josiah, I feel kinder skairful about ortos, I fear that it might prove our last ride."

"But," sez he, "with a good shuffler there hain't any danger."

But I still wuz dubersome and sez, "Mebby it would end by our shufflin' off our mortal coils, as Mr. Shakespeare tells on."

"You don't wear 'em, Samantha, nor never did, nor I don't wear a pompodoor" (he meant this for a joke for his head is most as bare as a sass plate).

And he went on, "It would be a very stylish and genteel ride. I'd love to tell brother Gowdey about it. The bretheren will expect it of me as a live progressive Jonesvillian minglin' here with the noblest in the land to cut sunthin' of a dash."

But seein' that I still looked dubersome he sez, "I don't feel very rugged this mornin' and I dread the crowded car; Id'no but I should faint away in 'em if I sot out."

That of course settled the matter. As his anxious chaperone I consented to the project and he went and got the showiest one he could find. He didn't look for character or stability, only for gildin' and red paint. And we embarked, Josiah with a proud liniment, as if he wuz introducin' me into gay life and fashionable amusements. The man wuz to take us to the Fair ground for so much, and Josiah feelin' so neat had paid him in advance, and there wuz another party waitin' for him. And the speed that shuffler put on wuz sunthin' awful.

The first few minutes before we got to goin' that terrific speed Josiah liked it, and seemed to look patronizin'ly down on the people walkin' afoot that we passed by and pity 'em. But anon the man got to goin' faster and faster and Josiah's liniment underwent a change and he hollered out to me, for the noise wuz so loud and skairful he had to yell:

"Samantha, I don't believe it is right for members of the meetin' house to be goin' at such a gait."

And I hollered back to him, "It hain't none of my doin's, it hain't nothin' I wanted," I a hangin' onto my bunnet strings and tryin' to keep my bunnet on. As for the tabs of my mantilly I had gin up tryin' to curb 'em down, and they waved out like a pirate's flag in a cyclone only a different color.

Finally Josiah hollered to the shuffler, "I want you to curb in your machine! I'm a deacon, and have got my station in the Jonesville meetin' house to think on. Hold it in, I say!"

The shuffler glanced round at us as calm as a goggle-eyed clam and never dained to answer, and seemin'ly urged on the orto to redoubled speed.

Oh, the awfulness of the seen! the terrific noise soundin' on my ear pans till it seemed as if them pans must break down, the dirt a flyin', my pardner standin' up with his whiskers and coat tails wavin' in the breeze. His hat blowed off and by almost superhuman exertions I ketched it and carried it in my hand, thinkin' it wuz safer than on his head.

He a yellin', "Stop, I tell you! Whoa! back up! Dum your dum picter, whoa I say!"

For the last few milds Josiah rid standin' all I could do and say. Yellin' at the shuffler, hollerin' whoa to him, and appealin' to Heaven and me simultaneous as it were, for mercy and succor.

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And that shuffler payin' no more attention to him than as if he wuz a fly, not a hoss fly, but jest a common fly. Only he would look back at us once in awhile through them big goggles of hisen that most curdled my blood to see 'em.

At last Josiah, seemin' to give up all hope, sunk back and grasped holt of my tab and sez, "Good-bye, Samantha, if you git through alive remember I died tryin' to save you." His emotions and the dirt choked him, and he faintly added:

"Tell the bretheren and see that it is put in the Jonesville Augur, that I died a hero's death tryin' to save my pardner." And his grasp on my tabs become almost hysterical.

But at that minute the entrance gate wuz reached and the orto stopped so abruptly, that Josiah who had got up agin, wuz precipitated into my lap. But he got out immegiately, and the minute he and I stepped onto terry firmy he turned and shook his fist at the man and sez he, "If it wuzn't for the crowd and Samantha's feelin's, I would whip you within an inch of your life! Oh, if I only had you in a ten acre lot you'd feel the wrath of a lion when it wuz rousted up!"

But I laid my hand on him and led him away, I knowed such seens wuz bad for his nerve. He trembled like a popple leaf, and the minute we got through the gate I had to set down with him and deal out four nut-cakes before he wuz himself agin.

I wuz determined this day to go to the Palace of Fine Arts, so we did and I put in a time of almost perfect happiness there. We went into Government Building entrance that day, and I proposed to Josiah that we should stop at Liberal Arts Building on the way, and he at first demurred and sez:

"Samantha, you're too liberal by half now for folks with our means and Id'no as I want you to spend your time in such a display." He said he would rather take me to the display of Economics, and sez he, wantin' to persuade me to go with him, "Wimmen has countless virtues, but to my mind her crownin' excelence is to be equinomical."

But I explained to him that exhibit didn't mean bein' liberal with money but it wuz jest a step behind Fine Arts, and sez I, "I should think you would want to see the place where this Exposition wuz dedicated in the presence of one of the biggest crowds that wuz ever gathered together."

So we stopped there a little while, and could have spent days there with interest and profit. The foreign countries have splendid exhibits here as well as our own.

Everything in typography and books, everything possible in photography; models of light-houses; dams; geographical maps; Egyptian, Hebrew and Imperial surveys. Scientific demonstrations in liquid hydrogen and that queer substance, radium.

I wuz dretfully interested in that wonderful new discovery and sez I to myself as I looked at it, "As little as there is of you there is enough to overturn big systems of science and philosophy, and begin a new history of the inside of the world." I wuz glad my sect had discovered this and thought it wuz one of the best things she had done in a number of years.

And there wuz all kinds of hygienic displays, chemical and engineering works. China had a dretful interestin' exhibit, ancient manuscripts, books published thousands of years before our kind of type wuz invented. Weapons that wuz old when Mr. Confucious wuz livin'. Armor, costumes, musical instruments, queer lookin' things them wuz as I ever see and nothin' I would want to play on. Photo engineering, electrotyping, lithography, typewriting; telescopes of all kinds from tiny ones up to ones that weigh four thousand pounds. The latest medical and surgical instruments. The piano from the first one made up to the present automatic instruments of all kinds; stringed instruments, church organs; displays in civil and military engineering; machinery for making good roads; rock crushers, water purifying, and so on and so on and so on.

The time spent in this buildin' is full of education as well as interest. There wuz some beautiful statutes too decoratin' this buildin', most on 'em I wuz proud to see wuz figgers of my own sect.

But having sot out for the Palace of Fine Arts we anon wended our way thither. It is a beautiful building, or ruther there are four massive buildings connected together to form this Palace of Art. There are three big buildings in front and an annex, the central building built of stone and brick is the only permanent buildin' in this enormous Exposition so naturally they would make it as perfect as possible.

And it is crowded full of beauty. In fact turn where you would you would see such glowing landscapes, such beautiful faces, such perfect sculpture that you git all mixed up, and when you thought it over you couldn't remember whether some picture or statute that stood out in your memory wuz in the U.S. exhibit or the French, or German, or Italian, or etc., etc.

In lookin' back and thinkin' on't and tryin' to git 'em in the right place in your mind it is as difficult as it would be in walking through a big clover meadow and tryin' to sort out the clover blossoms and describe 'em one by one and tell in jest what corner of the lot you found 'em. It can't be done; in such an immense field of art your brain sort o' fills up and turns round and round and you git mixed. But as I say some of the pictures and statutes stayed in my memory so I couldn't dislodge 'em and don't want to, no indeed!

Now there are three noble figgers at the entrance that you can't forgit. Inspiration standin' up above the main entrance is jest where she should be. Inspiration, breath of the Most High breathed into some of His children below anon or oftener, and then on each side is Truth and Nature. Nature, the kind All Mother, Truth, the divine one. How sweet to find 'em all there together guardin' and consecratin' these walls. You went in feelin' safer with such gardeens at the portal.

I must say though that Truth didn't have any clothes on, she wuz jest settin' there on top of the world jest as naked as she could be, she could have wore one of my bib aprons as well as not, durin' the Fair anyway, whilst there wuz so many folks round