The Wit and Humor of America, Volume X (of X), Marshall P. Wilder [reading the story of the .txt] 📗

town has married her third husband, when it is known that that same city contains 25,000 old maids who haven't the ghost of a show unless the State steps in and helps them out. What business has any woman to work up a corner in husbands, with so many of her sisters absolutely starving matrimonially?"

"And the young people are to have nothing to say about it, eh?" asked Mr. Brief.

"Oh yes—they can put in an application to the Bureau stating that they want to wed, and the Board of Managers can consider the desirability of issuing a permit," said the Idiot. "And they should be compelled to show cause why they should not be restrained from getting married. It is only in such a way that the state can reasonably guarantee the permanence of a contract to which it is in a sense a party. The State, by the establishment of certain laws, demands that the marriage contract shall practically be a life affair. It should therefore take it upon itself to see to it that there is a tolerable prospect at least that the contract is a just one. Many a poor woman has been bound to a life-long obligation of misery in which no consideration whatever has been paid by the party of[Pg 2024] the second part. If a contract without consideration will not stand in commerce, why should it in matrimony?"

"What you ought to go in for is Mormonism," snapped Mrs. Pedagog. "Keep on getting married until you've found just the right one and then get rid of all the others."

"That is a pleasing alternative," said the Idiot. "But expensive. I'd hate to pay a milliner's bill for a Mormon household—but anyhow we needn't grow acrimonious over the subject, for whatever I may think of matrimony as she exists to-day, all the injustices, inequalities, miseries of it, and all that, I prefer it to acrimony, and I haven't the slightest idea that my dream of perfect conditions will ever be realized. Only, Mary—"

"Yessir?" said the Maid.

"If between this and the first of January, 1905, any young ladies, or old ones either, call here and ask for me—"

"Yessir," said the Maid.

"Tell 'em I've gone to Nidjni-Novgorod and am not expected back for eleven years," said the Idiot. "I'm not going to take any chances."[Pg 2025]

COMPLETE INDEX ALPHABETICALLY ARRANGED BY AUTHORS

[Pg 2026]
[Pg 2027]

Adams, Charles Follen
Bary Jade, To, 1899
Der Oak und der Vine, 1823
Shonny Schwartz, 1206
Yawcob Strauss, 370

Ade, George
Hon. Ransom Peabody, 1429

Adeler, Max (see Charles Heber Clark)

Aldrich, Thomas Bailey
Our New Neighbors at Ponkapog, 403

Allen, Nina R.
Women and Bargains, 1352

Amsbary, Wallace Bruce
Anatole Dubois at de Horse Show, 152
De Gradual Commence, 1164
Oncl' Antoine on 'Change, 1891
Rubaiyat of Mathieu Lettellier, 1965
Tim Flanagan's Mistake, 1673
Verre Definite, 1183

Anonymous
Book-Canvasser, The, 1113
Country School, The, 1734
Merchant and the Book-Agent, The, 1124

Appleton, Jack
Modern Farmer, The, 1083

Arp, Bill (see Charles H. Smith)


Bagby, George W.
How "Ruby" Played, 311

Bailey, James Montgomery ("The Danbury News Man")
After the Funeral, 1146
Mr. Stiver's Horse, 464

Baldwin, Joseph G.
Assault and Battery, 1391

Bangs, John Kendrick
By Bay and Sea, 1367
Genial Idiot Discusses Leap Year, The, 2018
Genial Idiot Discusses the Music Cure, The, 1105
Genial Idiot Suggests a Comic Opera, The, 504
Gentle Art of Boosting, The, 1575
[Pg 2028]University Intelligence Office, The, 1727

Batchelder, Frank Roe
Happy Land, The, 1389
Wicked Zebra, The, 1322

Baxter, Billy (see William J. Kountz, Jr.)

Becker, Charlotte
Modern Advantage, A, 642

Bedott, Widow (see Frances M. Whicher)

Beecher, Henry Ward
Deacon's Trout, The, 212
Organ, The, 217

Belden, J. V. Z.
A Committee from Kelly's, 929

Billings, Josh (see Henry W. Shaw)

Boynton, H. W.
The Golfer's Rubaiyat, 319

Bridges, Madeline
A Mothers' Meeting, 1886

Browne, Charles Farrar ("Artemus Ward")
Tower of London, The, 528
Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim, 539

Bryant, William Cullen
The Mosquito, 1199

Burdette, Robert J.
Archæological Congress, An, 390
Brakeman at Church, The, 1323
Day We Do Not Celebrate, The, 134
"Festina Lente", 2016
Margins, 1297
My First Cigar, 1204
Plaint of Jonah, The, 485
Rollo Learning to Play, 912
Rollo Learning to Read, 448
Soldier, Rest, 1796
Songs Without Words, 1261
Strike at Hinman's, The, 342
What Lack We Yet, 1897

Burgess, Gelett
Bohemians of Boston, The, 519
Nonsense Verses, 1244
Purple Cow, The, 13
Vive la Bagatelle, 280
Willy and the Lady, 2009

Butler, Ellis Parker
[Pg 2029]The Crimson Cord, 470

Butler, William Allen
Nothing to Wear, 1435


Carleton, Henry Guy
The Thompson Street Poker Club, 1140

Carman, Bliss
Modern Eclogue, A, 645
In Philistia, 567
Sceptics, The, 1626
Spring Feeling, A, 1129
Staccato to O Le Lupe, A, 1499

Carruth, Hayden
Familiar Authors at Work, 289
Uncle Bentley and the Roosters, 1873

Carryl, Charles E.
Nautical Ballad, A, 348

Cary, Phoebe
"Day Is Done, The, 1628
I Remember, I Remember, 652
Jacob, 1898
Marriage of Sir John Smith, The, 803
Psalm of Life, A, 207
Samuel Brown, 259
"There's a Bower of Bean-Vines", 1916
When Lovely Woman, 1834

Challing, John
Rhyme for Christmas, A, 1290

Chambers, Robert W.
Recruit, The, 230

Chester, George Randolph
Especially Men, 937

Clark, Charles Heber ("Max Adeler")
Millionaires, The, 1675

Clarke, Joseph I. C.
Fighting Race, The, 214

Clemens, Samuel L.
Evidence in the Case of Smith vs. Jones, The, 1918
Great Prize Fight, The, 1903
Nevada Sketches, 1805

Cone, Helen Avery
Spring Beauties, The, 805

Cooke, Edmund Vance
Daniel Come to Judgment, A, 1399
Final Choice, The, 1427

Cortissoz, Ellen Mackay Hutchinson
[Pg 2030]Praise-God Barebones, 765

Cox, Kenyon
Bumblebeaver, The, 1145
Octopussycat, The, 1112
Paintermine, The, 1100
Welsh Rabbittern, The, 1120
Wild Boarder, The, 1163

Cozzens, Frederick S.
Family Horse, The, 715

Crane, Frank
Wamsley's Automatic Pastor, 511

Crayon, Porte (see B. F. Strother)
Culbertson, Anne Virginia
Comin' Thu, 333
Go Lightly, Gal (The Cake-Walk), 317
How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Beard, 1328
How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Plumage and Whistle, 1360
Mr. Hare Tries to Get a Wife, 921
Quit Yo' Worryin, 934
Whar Dem Sinful Apples Grow, 903
Why Moles Have Hands, 202
Woman Who Married an Owl, The, 838

Curtis, George William
Our Best Society, 233

Cutting, Mary Stewart
Not According to Schedule, 1448


Dale, Alan
Wanted—A Cook, 35

Davies, John James
Ballade of the "How To" Books, A, 416

Day, Holman F.
Had a Set of Double Teeth, 1994
When the Allegash Drive Goes Through, 1214

Derby, George H. ("John Phœnix")
Lectures on Astronomy, 847
Musical Review Extraordinary, 824

Devere, William
Walk, 300

Dodge, Mary Abigail ("Gail Hamilton")
Complaint of Friends, A, 604

Dooley, Mr. (see Finley Peter Dunne)

Downing, Major Jack (see Seba Smith)

Drummond, William Henry
De Stove Pipe Hole, 774
Natural Philosophy, 1722
[Pg 2031]When Albani Sang, 92

Dunne, Finley Peter ("Mr. Dooley")
Mr. Dooley on Expert Testimony, 844
Mr. Dooley on the Game of Football, 1059
Mr. Dooley on Gold-Seeking, 304
Mr. Dooley on Golf, 1630
Mr. Dooley on Reform Candidates, 321


Eggleston, Edward
Spelling Down the Master, 138

Emerson, Ralph Waldo
Fable, 1358


Field, Eugene
Advertiser, The, 1101
James and Reginald, 1171
Lost Chords, 1080
New Year Idyl, A, 2011
Story of the Two Friars, The, 588
Utah, 1305
Warrior, The, 1708
Winter Joys, 1868

Field, Kate
Night in a Rocking-Chair, A, 905
Rival Entertainment, A, 362

Fields, James T.
Cæsar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero, 760
Owl-Critic, The, 1196
Pettibone Lineage, The, 196

Finn, Henry J.
Curse of the Competent, The, 14

Fisk, May Isabel
Evening Musicale, An, 325

Flagg, James Montgomery
Branch Library, A, 1446
Table Manners, 1400

Flower, Elliott
Co-operative Housekeepers, The, 927
Her "Angel" Father, 936
Strike of One, The, 870

Foley, J. W.
Sonnets of the Lovable Lass and the Plethoric Dad, 723

Ford, James L.
Dying Gag, The, 569

Ford, Sewell
[Pg 2032]In Defence of an Offering, 1248

Foss, Sam Walter
Cable-Car Preacher, A, 647
He Wanted to Know, 1794
"Hullo", 1706
Prayer of Cyrus Brown, The, 1398
She Talked, 264

Franklin, Benjamin
Maxims, 1804
Paper: A Poem, 1548

French, Alice ("Octave Thanet")
Fairport Art Museum, The, 1062

French, Anne Warner ("Anne Warner")
So Wags the World, 1092
Wolf at Susan's Door, The, 626


Gillilan, Strickland W.
Mammy's Lullaby, 542