Confessions of a Serial Dater, Adalade Brooks [sci fi books to read TXT] 📗

“Fine! But I’m holding the bag,” I reached over for the nearest trash bag and held it open for Alex as he overturned the box into the bag. Watching the fifty Nazi armbands fall into the bag was so overwhelming that we both looked away, “Ow!” I screamed as something hard hit my foot through the bag, “what the hell was that!”

“I don’t know. I didn’t look at the bottom of the box”

“Well look you idiot! That hurt!” Alex reached into the bag and pulled out the only thing that could have possibly scared me more then the Nazi armbands.

“Whoa! I wonder if it’s loaded!”

“Put the damn thing down!”

“You don’t trust me?”

“It’s our first date and your holding a handgun that you just pulled out of a bag of Nazi armbands! No I don’t trust you!”

“Well it’s probably not loaded!”

“Probably? I want to know right now if that thing is loaded!”

“Well I don’t know how to check.”

“Give it to me!”

“You’re a girl. You wont know how to check if it’s loaded.”

“I’ll know how not to kill anyone with it!”

“You don’t trust me to not kill anyone?”

“I just met you!”

“You’ve known my uncle for years!”

“I met him once when I was two years old! That’s not knowing a person, and me knowing your uncle tells me nothing about you!”

“Fine. Here,” He pointed the gun towards me as if to hand it to me.

“Ah. No. Set it on the bar, turn it towards the wall and step away. I’m not taking it from you with it aimed at me!”

Eventually we resolved our fight be taking the gun to his uncle who assured us that it was in fact not loaded. After a little bit of laughter and feeling fairly stupid we went back to the house to continue working.

______________________________________________________

In movies you see all the time where a couple has a huge fight over something ridiculous, breaks up, and has amazing make-up sex. We didn’t take it that far, but we did have a mind-blowing make-up make-out session, during which Alex picked me up several times. The last time he picked me up however, he set me back down on the sink. Since I am a very uncoordinated person, this of course resulted in me falling into the sink and landing on a dead mouse (Its amazing how many of those you find when you clean out an abandoned house). Being the screamer that I am, I couldn’t help but go all out (Picture squirming, yelling, swearing, hitting, the whole nine yards).

Alex tried to pick me up once again to which I responded with smacking and kicking him (its amazing the friends with benifits thing went on to last a month). Looking back, I feel bad for giving him the full strength kicks and slaps that my opponents get in Water Polo, but lets not forget he did set me down on a dead rodent.

Alex was wonderful, but his love of sex and expectations that I would be the knight in shinning armor that moved the Nazi Armbands, and dead mice was just more then his height could make up for. I proudly left Alex hanging after an amusing conversation about whether or not I was ready to just “get it over and done with” (in regards to losing my virginity). I have no regrets blue balling Alex and I have no regrets that I left him in a way that could be portrayed as rude. It was rude, but two years later I still hadn’t slept with Alex, and Alex was working at the porn outlet.
Morals

The one thing that most high school guys will likely agree on is that they love sex. Most of them will go out of their way to have sex with whoever will give them the chance. This is why it is very tempting for girls to fall into the trap of having sex with the one guy that comes along that doesn’t try to jump them within the first three seconds of looking in their direction.

Will was of course one of those guys that didn’t immediately try to jump a girl. For this I was quite thankful and still am to some degree. Will’s Catholic up bringing had taught him to at least attempt to conceal his drinking, one night stands, and blow jobs on the beach. This concealment was probably what led me to falling so hard for him. I never fully knew what he had done or been through and still to this day don’t.

Ironically Will was very open about discussing future sexual escapades. Of course he did always make sure that the conversations were held away from other people and included preventative measures such as ‘Well if we are in a locked room in a locked building on a deserted island and someone were to walk in on us’

You see Will was quite the planner. His planning led me to believe that he was intending on my being the one he lost his virginity to (one thing I did eventually learn for sure is that he had lost it long before then). Catholics who plan are always assumed to be Virgins. It’s a sad fact, because in reality they lost it long before and just don’t want their secret getting out. I however was the one Catholic who did not understand this. I believed in all my heart that Will was a virgin and that I had nothing to worry about. I was dead wrong.

Will planned and planned about everything as simple as getting dishes out of a cabinet. The planning was something that at first I found to be highly attractive, and later found highly annoying. When the planning started it was in regards to things such as dinner and flowers (things that all guys really need to learn to plan about). As our relationship progressed the planning became even sweeter as he used it to help prepare both of us for the one thing that every teenager faces at some point. The decision to or to not have sexual contact. It was great to be seeing someone who thought things through. However there was one thing that Will and I never could have predicted.

Through out my life I have suffered from extremely bad headaches and dizzy spells. However until the summer when I was dating Will I had never passed out. Normally when girls pass out in movies guys like to rush to their side, be their prince charming, and make everything all better again. Life however is not a movie. Looking back I am very glad life is not a movie because if it were I would have made some terrible mistakes by this point in my life.

The first mistake I would have made if my life were a movie is that I would slept with Will. You see Will at this point still did not know me well enough for me to spill my entire medical history to him. As Will and I were standing at the foot of his bed making out, I fell backwards and landed on the bed. This was not intentional. In a movie when a girl falls back on a bed it means “Hey! I’m ready, sleep with me!” For me this was not the case. I did not fall back on the bed for any reason other then I passed out and was quite lucky to have fallen on something soft instead of the floor.

Will being the planner that he is was not impressed by my little fainting spell, and for that reason our relationship didn’t last much longer. Now, I am not going to say that I passed out because God didn’t want me to have sex. I don’t believe God has that kind of control over me. I do believe though that I was incredibly lucky to have passed out when I did. I wasn’t ready to have sex and because of that I immediately went home and put my promise ring back on. People who know me today know my promise ring now only comes off on the rare occasion I have to slip through a metal detector, and that I still plan to keep it there for quite sometime. I loved Will. I just wasn’t ready to make love to Will (and yes kids. People do still say that).

Parenthood

Children are a lot of work. Ask Kate Gosslin, Octo Mom, or well, Will and I. My relationship with Will as you should remember was short lived. The length however did not stop us from in one day adopting eight children. Now I love kids. Children and I get a long quite well in small doses. However any children in my future will need to be at least ten and defiantly not come in multiples.

Will and I had been together for not quite three months when we decided that we would experiment with parenthood. As a favor to friends of Will’s parents we agreed to watch a birthday party eight kids between the ages of eight and ten. Like I said before I love kids, as long as it is in small doses.

Earlier I mentioned Kate Gosslin, and while I personally hate her and think she is a terrible mom, I do get where her insanity comes from. Within the first three hours of gaining custody of my children I was ready to jump overboard.

Will and I met at his parents friends house at nine a.m. on a beautiful late August morning. The house was spectacular. I’m talking like as spectacular as Tara in Gone With the Wind. Two story pillars, wrap around porch, beautiful brickwork. the kind of house every little girl dreams of living in. We rang the doorbell and were immediately greeted by laughing and screaming of little girls and boys.

“Hello! Nice to see you again Will, and Nice to meet