Alice's Adventure In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll [bearly read books txt] 📗

it made Alice quite hungry to look at them—“I wish they’d

get the trial done,” she thought, “and hand round the refreshments!”

But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at

everything about her, to pass away the time.

Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read

about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew

the name of nearly everything there. “That’s the judge,” she said to

herself, “because of his great wig.”

The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over the

wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how he did it,) he

did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.

“And that’s the jury-box,” thought Alice, “and those twelve creatures,”

(she was obliged to say “creatures,” you see, because some of them were

animals, and some were birds,) “I suppose they are the jurors.” She

said this last word two or three times over to herself, being rather

proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few little

girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all. However, “jury-men”

would have done just as well.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. “What are

they doing?” Alice whispered to the Gryphon. “They can’t have anything

to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.”

“They’re putting down their names,” the Gryphon whispered in reply,

“for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.”

“Stupid things!” Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she

stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, “Silence in the

court!” and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round,

to make out who was talking.

Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders,

that all the jurors were writing down “stupid things!” on their slates,

and she could even make out that one of them didn’t know how to spell

“stupid,” and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. “A nice

muddle their slates’ll be in before the trial’s over!” thought Alice.

One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice

could _not_ stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and

very soon found an opportunity of taking it away. She did it so quickly

that the poor little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not make out

at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about for it, he

was obliged to write with one finger for the rest of the day; and this

was of very little use, as it left no mark on the slate.

“Herald, read the accusation!” said the King.

On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then

unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:—

“The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,

And took them quite away!”

“Consider your verdict,” the King said to the jury.

“Not yet, not yet!” the Rabbit hastily interrupted. “There’s a great

deal to come before that!”

“Call the first witness,” said the King; and the White Rabbit blew

three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, “First witness!”

The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand

and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. “I beg pardon, your

Majesty,” he began, “for bringing these in: but I hadn’t quite finished

my tea when I was sent for.”

“You ought to have finished,” said the King. “When did you begin?”

The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the

court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. “Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it

was,” he said.

“Fifteenth,” said the March Hare.

“Sixteenth,” added the Dormouse.

“Write that down,” the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly

wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and

reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

“Take off your hat,” the King said to the Hatter.

“It isn’t mine,” said the Hatter.

“_Stolen!_” the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made

a memorandum of the fact.

“I keep them to sell,” the Hatter added as an explanation; “I’ve none

of my own. I’m a hatter.”

Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the Hatter,

who turned pale and fidgeted.

“Give your evidence,” said the King; “and don’t be nervous, or I’ll

have you executed on the spot.”

This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting

from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and in his

confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the

bread-and-butter.

Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which puzzled

her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was beginning to

grow larger again, and she thought at first she would get up and leave

the court; but on second thoughts she decided to remain where she was

as long as there was room for her.

“I wish you wouldn’t squeeze so.” said the Dormouse, who was sitting

next to her. “I can hardly breathe.”

“I can’t help it,” said Alice very meekly: “I’m growing.”

“You’ve no right to grow _here_,” said the Dormouse.

“Don’t talk nonsense,” said Alice more boldly: “you know you’re growing

too.”

“Yes, but _I_ grow at a reasonable pace,” said the Dormouse: “not in

that ridiculous fashion.” And he got up very sulkily and crossed over

to the other side of the court.

All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and,

just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers

of the court, “Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!”

on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook both his shoes

off.

“Give your evidence,” the King repeated angrily, “or I’ll have you

executed, whether you’re nervous or not.”

“I’m a poor man, your Majesty,” the Hatter began, in a trembling voice,

“—and I hadn’t begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the

bread-and-butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea—”

“The twinkling of the _what?_” said the King.

“It _began_ with the tea,” the Hatter replied.

“Of course twinkling begins with a T!” said the King sharply. “Do you

take me for a dunce? Go on!”

“I’m a poor man,” the Hatter went on, “and most things twinkled after

that—only the March Hare said—”

“I didn’t!” the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry.

“You did!” said the Hatter.

“I deny it!” said the March Hare.

“He denies it,” said the King: “leave out that part.”

“Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said—” the Hatter went on, looking

anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Dormouse denied

nothing, being fast asleep.

“After that,” continued the Hatter, “I cut some more bread-and-butter—”

“But what did the Dormouse say?” one of the jury asked.

“That I can’t remember,” said the Hatter.

“You _must_ remember,” remarked the King, “or I’ll have you executed.”

The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and went

down on one knee. “I’m a poor man, your Majesty,” he began.

“You’re a _very_ poor _speaker_,” said the King.

Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by

the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just

explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied

up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the guinea-pig,

head first, and then sat upon it.)

“I’m glad I’ve seen that done,” thought Alice. “I’ve so often read in

the newspapers, at the end of trials, “There was some attempts at

applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the

court,” and I never understood what it meant till now.”

“If that’s all you know about it, you may stand down,” continued the

King.

“I can’t go no lower,” said the Hatter: “I’m on the floor, as it is.”

“Then you may _sit_ down,” the King replied.

Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed.

“Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!” thought Alice. “Now we shall get

on better.”

“I’d rather finish my tea,” said the Hatter, with an anxious look at

the Queen, who was reading the list of singers.

“You may go,” said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court,

without even waiting to put his shoes on.

“—and just take his head off outside,” the Queen added to one of the

officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get

to the door.

“Call the next witness!” said the King.

The next witness was the Duchess’s cook. She carried the pepper-box in

her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into the

court, by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at once.

“Give your evidence,” said the King.

“Shan’t,” said the cook.

The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice,

“Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness.”

“Well, if I must, I must,” the King said, with a melancholy air, and,

after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were

nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, “What are tarts made of?”

“Pepper, mostly,” said the cook.

“Treacle,” said a sleepy voice behind her.

“Collar that Dormouse,” the Queen shrieked out. “Behead that Dormouse!

Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his

whiskers!”

For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the Dormouse

turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had

disappeared.

“Never mind!” said the King, with an air of great relief. “Call the

next witness.” And he added in an undertone to the Queen, “Really, my

dear, _you_ must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my

forehead ache!”

Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling

very curious to see what the next witness would be like, “—for they

haven’t got much evidence _yet_,” she said to herself. Imagine her

surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill

little voice, the name “Alice!”

CHAPTER XII.

Alice’s Evidence

“Here!” cried Alice, quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment how

large she had grown in the last few minutes, and she jumped up in such

a hurry that she tipped over the jury-box with the edge of her skirt,

upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd below, and there

they lay sprawling about, reminding her very much of a globe of

goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before.

“Oh, I _beg_ your pardon!” she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay, and

began picking them up again as quickly as she could, for the accident

of the goldfish kept running in her head, and she had a vague sort of

idea that they must be collected at once and put back into the

jury-box, or they would die.

“The trial cannot proceed,” said the King in a very grave voice, “until

all the jurymen are back in their proper places—_all_,” he repeated

with great emphasis, looking hard at Alice as he said so.

Alice looked at the jury-box, and saw that, in her haste, she had put

the Lizard in head downwards, and the poor little thing was waving its

tail about in a melancholy way, being quite unable to move. She soon

got it out again, and put it right; “not that it signifies much,” she

said to herself; “I should think it would be _quite_ as much use in the

trial one way up as the other.”

As soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being

upset, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to

them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the

accident, all except the Lizard, who seemed too much overcome to do

anything but sit with its mouth open, gazing up into the roof of the

court.

“What do you know about this business?” the King said to Alice.

“Nothing,” said Alice.

“Nothing _whatever?_” persisted the King.

“Nothing whatever,” said Alice.

“That’s very important,” the King said, turning to the jury. They were

just beginning to write this down on their slates, when the White

Rabbit interrupted: “_Un_important, your Majesty means, of course,” he

said in a very respectful tone, but frowning and making faces at him as

he spoke.

“_Un_important, of course, I meant,” the King hastily said, and went on

to himself in an undertone,

“important—unimportant—unimportant—important—” as if he were trying

which word sounded best.

Some of the jury wrote it down “important,” and some “unimportant.”

Alice could see this, as she was near enough to look over their slates;

“but it doesn’t matter a bit,” she thought to herself.

At this moment the King, who had been for some time busily writing in

his note-book, cackled out “Silence!” and read out from his book, “Rule

Forty-two. _All persons more than a mile high to leave the court_.”

Everybody looked at Alice.

“_I’m_ not a mile high,” said Alice.

“You are,” said the King.

“Nearly two miles high,” added the Queen.

“Well, I shan’t go, at any rate,” said Alice: “besides, that’s not a

regular rule: you invented it just now.”

“It’s the oldest rule in the book,” said the King.

“Then it ought to be Number One,” said Alice.

The King turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily. “Consider your

verdict,” he said to the jury, in a low, trembling voice.

“There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,” said the

White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry; “this paper has just