Author: Juniper Lee

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me. She slides down to sit on the ground.

She lays her head on my shoulder. I lay my head back on hers.

Still silence

I want to be mad. I want to yell. Scream. Cry. But my eyes are dry. Ive cried everything out. And I cant mad.

"Im sorry Gwen," her soft voice.

I love her too much.

But I cant speak. Im exhausted, so I just listen.

"Im just sorry. I didnt know it would hurt so bad. But when I saw you crying I knew. You never cry."

Its all true. I never cry.

Creak

The door opens to show another girl. We fall silent. She doesnt seem to mind. A few minutes later she leaves.

Silence

“I love you. You know that.” I manage a whisper.

“I love you too. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

I don’t even allow myself to think about it. I block all real thoughts. And we just sit, enjoying the silence.

Tears

Tears are not a weakness, but I dont cry. I hold in too much. But today is different.

Breathe

Focus

Just make it up the steps

Up, up, up, I climb. Up, up, up. I finally reach the top. I cant turn around. I wont let myself. I dont want to see him walk away.

I dont.

Breathe

I pull my thoughts together for a moment. Long enought to make it inside. Barely long enough to open the first door, open the second door, and step into the room.

I cant do it.

I give Cassie and Bailey one look.

"Im going to the bathroom," I whisper. My voice is detached, strained.

They nod.

I run into the bathroom. I lean on the wall. Slide to the ground.

Cry

Feel the tears

So much like the rain

Let them wash it all away

I sit, but I cant stay long. I know. I need to be back in class.

Deep breath

Wipe your eyes

I stand up. I open one door, then another. I sit in my desk.

Class has already begun. Bailey is gone. Cassie just gives me a pitiful glance. Thankfully no one else sees.

And no one else knows.

I know this will be my last chance to cry. So I cry inside my mind. Tears that never reach my outside.

Breathe

Just breathe

Comfort

Children have blankets. They are a shield from the monsters that hide beneath their beds. They keep them warm and safe. Being wrapped in the soft cloth is like being wrapped in a parents loving arms.

I dont have a blanket.

So what do I have to keep me warm, make me feel safe? I have to have something.

Its days like this that I need it.

Whoosh

I feel a cool chill.

Wind or my own emotions sweeping through me?

It doesnt matter.

I put in my headphones and crank my music.

Loud. Pulsing through me.

I zip up my jacket, flip up my hood.
Calm

Now I can face the day.

I have something to hold me together until I can do it myself. Something to hold me steady if I falter. I because I dont have someone to do it. Hes gone now.

I dont cry though. I just walk. Stare at my steps.

Left, right, left, right

Focus

Move

Breathe Forget

I shove my hands into my pockets and keep going. I feel the warmth. The protection. The strength. The calm.

Deja Vu

Down the steps. Hands on the railing, cold and wet over the chipped paint.

Breathe

I turn my eyes away from all the familiar doors. I pull my hood on.

My feet find a rhythm that complements the rain that pounds on my skin.

Thud, trick, trick, trick

Thud, drip, drip, drip

Smell it

Live it

Love it

Let it was everything away

My boots sink into the sand. No more rhythm from their sound, just the rain.

Like silence

I feel constricted. Throat tightened, head pressed from all sides.

Why?

Shhhh

Dont think

The rain fades into the background, leaving an emptiness I cant handle. I pull out my ipod, hoping the music will distract me from the feeling that something is missing.

A hole I cant fill.

Not even with tears.

A calm I cant find.

Not even with rain.

The seat is wet and cold. The cold seeps into my body as I wrap my fingers around the chains.

Chilled to the bone.

Pump, swing

Im gripping too tight. Trying to press my emotion into the metal.

Higher, higher

Breathe

Listen

Feel

Forget

Too much on my mind. Too many racing thoughts. Nothing I can do. No one here. In my mind, alone.

Pump, swing

The music thuds through me with the memories like new blood.

Breathe

I miss him. He was like my own child. I loved him. Now hes gone.

I feel lost; broken.

The only things that help are momentarily healing, but what about later, when theyre gone? The calm of the rain. The distraction of the rhythm.

The Ocean

Pushing in from all sides.

A stormy sea wanting to drown me.

And there's no escape Because its all on the inside.

"I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. You've pushed me too far."

I know its a lie. But deep inside I want it to be true. I want a war. I want a hurricane. And I'm going to get one.

Let's begin.

Emotions trickle in.

Love

Hate

Trust

Betrayal

Reliance

Independance

Contain them. Stuff them. Shove them down.

Breathe

It may be my last chance.

I plaster that smile on my face. They all know this time; that its fake. But they all think its going to blow over.

It won't. Because I won't let it.

The wind picks up when she walks in.

I let the silence thunder until she decides to speak.

"I love you. I care about you. That's why I'm going to fix you. Help you."

I hear, but I don't listen, because I don't believe. There are people in the room, yet there is no one here but me. Alone.

"You're just so immature. So disrespectful. So disobedient. So prideful. And so rebellious. I'm going to help you. You need more structure, more organization, more discipline."

The anger rises. The final push. The one that stirs the seas until they spill over my wall.

I close my eyes and let go.

Listen

Crash

Betrayal colliding with independance.

Rationality far below as anger surfaces in tsunami sized waves to rise and crash again.

I feel the tears outside, but I have no way to stop them.

No calm.

No breathing.

Only the storrm.

And me drowning

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