Hold that Thought, - [top 20 books to read .txt] 📗
- Author: -
- Performer: -
Book online «Hold that Thought, - [top 20 books to read .txt] 📗». Author -
Chana: And at that moment, you’re believing the thought, “She doesn’t respect me.”
Toni: Yes!
Chana: Can you absolutely know that she doesn’t respect you?
Toni: Yeah. It’s so obvious.
Chana: How do you react when you believe that?
Toni: I want to punch her. I get very pissed.
Chana: How do you feel, in your body, when you believe she doesn’t respect you?
Toni: Everything gets all tight. My chest gets red hot. My fists clench. I want to scream.
Chana: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t believe she doesn’t respect you? (Monsters Under the Bed)
Toni: Then I’d be a total pushover. I wouldn’t stick up for myself.
Chana: So if you didn’t believe it, you’d be a pushover? Is that true?
Toni: Oh. No, actually. I was a total pushover then. I didn’t stick up for myself at all.
Chana: So believing the thought….
Toni: Made me do the stuff that I was hoping to avoid! That sucks!
Chana: Yes. And, in that moment, how do you treat yourself when you believe that she doesn’t respect you?
Toni: Oh. I don’t take care of myself. I’m too busy fuming. I’m so embarrassed and humiliated in front of this guy and embarrassed that I’m mad.
Chana: And how do you treat her?
Toni: I avoid her, can’t look her in the eye. Or I’m too nice to her because I feel bad.
Chana: And what are you not able to do when you believe that she doesn’t respect you?
Toni: I can’t think straight. I can’t be calm. I’m just fuming.
Chana: Can you see a peaceful reason to keep the thought? Toni: No. I get mad even at the hint of the thought.
Chana: Now, take a deep breath and clear the air. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your apartment with her dishes in the sink and her stuff on the couch. How are you without the thought that she doesn’t respect you?
Toni: I’m calmer. I can quickly pick up the stuff on the couch and throw it into Zoe’s room. And it’s not that embarrassing with the guy. Let’s get real; I’m sure his apartment is a pig sty.
Chana: So, let’s turn it around. Zoe doesn’t respect you. What’s the 180 degree opposite of that?
Toni: Zoe… is not so bad?
Chana: We’re not trying to get all sophisticated with turnarounds. Let’s use simple language. What’s the opposite of, “Zoe doesn’t respect you.”
Toni: Zoe does respect me?
Chana: That’s it. Now give me three reasons why that’s true.
Toni: She wanted to keep living with me. And as far as I know, she didn’t gossip about me.
Chana: What else?
Toni: She invited me to her wedding a couple of years ago. And she sent me a holiday card in December. I guess I just assumed she didn’t respect me. But why else wouldn’t she follow the rules?
Chana: Have you asked her?
Toni: No, I haven’t. I actually have no idea what she was thinking.
Chana: How do you feel?
Toni: Embarrassed.
Chana: Why?
Toni: I made assumptions about her and judged her for them.
Chana: Why do you feel embarrassed about that?
Toni: Because I want to be more thoughtful than that.
Chana: Do you have to feel embarrassed to be that way?
Toni: I think so…
Chana: Well, how do you behave when you feel embarrassed?
Toni: I want to hide. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I for sure don’t want to call Zoe.
Chana: Does feeling embarrassed help you be more thoughtful?
Toni: Oh, no. Totally the opposite. I think I’d rather be thoughtful. I should call Zoe and apologize. I could also ask her why she behaved the way she did and tell her how I felt about it. That would clear the air, and we could be friends without this hairy elephant in the room.
Chana: In the meantime, let’s turn this thought around again. What’s another opposite of she doesn’t respect you? Try changing the subject of the statement.
Toni: I don’t respect me?
Chana: Yes. How’s that true?
Toni: Um. I’m not always so kind to myself. Like… I enjoy a neat room, but I often don’t make my bed or will let my laundry pile up in the corner. And in my head sometimes I call myself dumb, or stupid, or forgetful.
Chana: Let’s focus on the situation in the apartment. How else did you not respect yourself ?
Toni: I don’t know.
Chana: It seems the rules of the apartment were important to you.
Toni: Yes.
Chana: Did you respect them?
Toni: For sure I did! I always cleaned up and paid on time.
Chana: And what about Zoe?
Toni: She didn’t keep to the rules at all.
Chana: And you enabled her to continue to do that.
Toni: Yes. Oh. That’s how I didn’t keep the rules. I let her break them. So I didn’t respect the rules. I didn’t respect something that was important to me.
Chana: What were you afraid would happen if you upheld the rules? (Monsters)
Toni: I’d have to kick her out.
Chana: And what were you afraid would happen if you kicked her out?
Toni: She’d hate me! She’d think I was horrible.
Chana: And that would mean…? (ATM)
Toni: Maybe that I’m a bad person.
Chana: So if you kicked Zoe out it would have meant that you’re a bad person?
Toni: Oh. No. That doesn’t make sense.
Chana: What else could it mean?
Toni: It could just mean that breaking rules has consequences.
Chana: Yes.
Toni: Could it really be that simple?
Chana: What do you think?
Toni: I guess it could. If I don’t pay my taxes or stop at a light, I get fined. The truth is, if we hadn’t covered for her, our landlord would have kicked us all out. But actually, it was her fault!
Chana: So what does that teach you about your life now?
Toni: Sometimes I don’t stand up for what’s important to me because I’m trying to be nice. But really I’m not respecting myself, and then I get resentful and blame everyone else for not taking care of my rules.
Chana: Whose job is that?
Toni: Totally mine!
Below is the Experience Buffet, a list of questions gleaned from Byron Katie’s recorded and written dialogues. Like with a brunch buffet, you get to choose which questions will be your bread and butter and which ones you might use as occasional toppings. There’s no right or wrong amount of questions. The more you ask, the deeper your understanding will be. Use whatever is comfortable and appropriate for the situation.
Note that not all questions are relevant to the Inquiry at hand, so asking more may even be less, by distracting or confusing you. Be creative and flexible, have fun, and remember to hold a safe space for your reactions to the thought. With any luck, you’ll have a full belly and a loose belt by the end of the meal!
What images do you see, past and future, when you believe the thought? What physical sensations arise as you think the thought and witness those images? What emotions arise when you believe the thought? Whose business are you in when you believe the thought? (See There’s No Business Like Your Business) When was the first time you remember believing the thought? (See The Time Machine) Do any obsessions or addictions begin to appear when you believe the thought? (See The Addiction Loop and Aggression Tailspin) How do you treat the person(s) in this situation when you believe the thought? How do you treat yourself when you believe the thought? Can you see a reason to drop the thought? Can you find one peaceful reason to keep the thought? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t believe the thought? (More Monsters Under the Bed to inquire about.) How do you/your ego/personality gain from believing the thought? What are you not able to do or see when you believe the thought? Does the thought bring peace or stress into your life?Use the Experience Buffet when you want a deep understanding of a given thought in all its varied manifestations.
Download an Experience Buffet worksheet from the Free Bonus Section of my website:
Hold.ChanaMason.com/bonus.
Facilitating Inquiry with your younger self, who developed a belief now held dear.
The world doesn’t make sense. We make sense of the world.
—Barry Neil Kaufman
Do you remember Melanie? In Just Desserts, I asked her to write a list of reasons she felt she deserved the “loser” guys she was dating and another list of why she didn’t deserve a “winner.” In the second list, she wrote that she was scared she’d take advantage of a “good” guy. Having already worked with Melanie for a couple of months, it was clear to me that she was thoughtful, considerate, and kind. She was the last person I would imagine taking advantage of someone. It was a far cry from her character.
I asked her what about her behavior made her feel this way about herself, and she said that it didn’t match her behavior; she just felt this way. Basic Inquiry wouldn’t help her, because she already thought the belief was illogical. Nonetheless, she couldn’t shake it. Because this belief was so out of touch with her current reality, my instincts told me that it was formed earlier in Melanie’s life.
Just like a scrape can leave a permanent scar on our knee, a belief formed at a less conscious moment in our lives can stick with us permanently. To heal that “thought scar,” I find it useful to go back to that moment and question the logic of that younger self. I thus invited Melanie to step into The Time Machine. She closed her eyes, breathed slowly, and relaxed. I encouraged her to trust whatever memory would come up when I asked her:
Chana: When was the first time you remember believing that you might take advantage of someone?
Melanie: I’m seven. In my dad’s house. It’s just him and me. I’m at the kitchen table doing homework, and he’s at the stove cooking dinner.
Chana: And you believe you might take advantage of someone?
Melanie: Yes. I’m taking advantage of my dad.
Chana: How?
Melanie: He’s making dinner. I’m not making it. I’m not helping him.
Chana: Is he saying anything about you taking advantage of him?
Melanie: No. But it feels like I am.
By asking, “When was the first time you remember believing this thought?” I nudge Melanie into a more formative time: in this case when she was 7.
Because Melanie formed (or solidified) the belief that she might take advantage of a good person when she was 7, working with that 7-year-old, rather than with the 20-something-year-old Melanie, actually has a greater impact for cognitive awareness and change. A limiting belief is a sort of trauma. It cuts us off from the joy of life and gets frozen in our consciousness at a particular time in our development.
I’ll invite Melanie to facilitate an Inquiry with her younger self as I guide her through it. You can do this on your own beliefs with a journal and two pen colors - one for you and one for your younger self - or by writing the voice of your younger self with your opposing hand.
Chana: I want you to close your
Comments (0)