Echoes of the Heart, Casey, L.A. [reader novel .txt] 📗

“You have me, you have Michael, you have Joe and Enda. You have a whole load of people who love you more than you could ever imagine.”

My chin quivered. “But my mum . . . Risk, how do I breathe without my mum?”

“By living for her,” he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine. “By being her beautiful girl with the biggest heart God has ever given a person. By honouring her every single day and remembering her life and the wonderful lady that she was.”

I lifted my hands to his broad shoulders and squeezed.

“I don’t know how to do any of that without her,” I admitted, my voice nothing more than a rasp. “I’m terrified to live a life without her in it. I need her to breathe. I’m all alone without her.”

“Alone?” Risk repeated. “Who said you’re going to be alone?”

I tried to look down, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Who said that?”

“Risk, I don’t want to do this.” I felt my body just droop. “Letting you go once almost killed me, I can’t do it again. Not now when I’m already broken. My life is in Southwold, yours isn’t. Your world, and mine, are too different. We don’t fit together. I meant what I said at Wembley and on the pier . . . we were stupid to think we could work. We can’t. We have no future together. We were once pieces to a beautiful puzzle that fit together perfectly, but we’ve both changed, our edges are sharper now . . . I don’t think we fit together anymore.”

Risk said nothing, he only leaned in and rested his forehead against mine. This was what I needed from him. Just his touch, his very presence . . . not empty words or promises that we couldn’t keep. We had never been very good at keeping our promises, no matter how hard we tried. Risk and I were like currents in the Southwold harbour, no matter how hard we tried to stop it from happening, we would always unexpectedly clash, then drift far apart.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

RISK

Two weeks later . . .

“Risk. Let’s go.”

I looked over my shoulder. “Already?”

“You’ve been in here for over an hour. Time’s up.”

The finality of that statement made my gut clench.

“Tell Hayes and Angel to come in here, I want to talk to the three of you.”

May furrowed his eyebrows but did as I asked. He left the studio we spent so much of our youth in then returned minutes later with the rest of the guys. Hayes closed the door behind him and sealed the four of us inside. I was sitting on one of the sofas and they joined me by sitting on the other seats in the room. They stared at me, I stared right back at them.

“This studio is home to me,” I said. “This is where Blood Oath began and I think it’s always going to be a place I remember and love.”

May leaned forward. “Why’re you talking like you’re not gonna be back here again?”

I didn’t answer.

“Hold the fuck on.” May frowned. “Are you quitting the band?”

“What?” Hayes gasped. “No way, man!”

“Is that what’s going on here?” Angel demanded. “You’re taking a step back from Blood Oath, from us?”

“What?” I blinked. “No, dumb arses. Right now, the band, you three, are all I fucking have.”

May was so dramatic that he put a hand on his chest and had to take a few deep breaths. I watched him, shaking my head.

“I know I’ll come back here, I just don’t know when . . . I know we’re leaving for LA today and you guys were planning on hog tying me if needed to get me back to the facility that worked for me before but you guys don’t have to do that. I’m willing to walk through those doors myself.”

Angel visibly relaxed. “What changed your mind?”

“You guys. Frankie. Her mum dying. Me finally confronting Owen and ridding myself of the shame I didn’t realise I was carrying around. This morning, I snorted a few lines. I didn’t want to, but I still did it, so I know I need to go back to rehab. I’m not strong enough right now to get better. I need help.”

“I’m so proud of you, man,” May said. “So fucking proud.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I’m ready to be sober again. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m ready to think clearly again and not crave the high of the numbness. I want to straighten my thoughts out without anything in my system.”

“You’ll get there,” Hayes said. “We’re with you every step of the way.”

A lump formed in my throat.

“I’m so sorry,” I cleared my throat. “I know me using for so many years has been hard on all three of you. I’ve ruined gigs, and parties, and interviews and even downtime because I was thinking of myself. I’m so fucking sorry . . . Hayes, I ruined the day you told us you’re going to be a dad. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Well, you better,” Hayes said firmly. “Because Summer and I have and we’re backing you one hundred per cent.”

My chest tightened as I looked to Angel.

“I’m sorry you missed your sister’s birthday because of me.”

“I forgive you,” he said, then grinned. “She’ll just make me buy her a better present for the next one.”

I looked at May.

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” I said to my best mate. “I promised you weeks ago when we were driving around town that I wouldn’t fall back into my old ways and scare you, but I did.”

“I forgive you,” May said. “You’re not perfect, no matter how much our Sinners say you are,” he teased. “I know you struggle, but you’re my boy and I’m always going to be there to help you whenever you need it. Just like you’d be there for me. The four of us are brothers, looking out for one another is what we do . . . smacking some sense into each other is required now and then as well.”

We