The Luck of Barry Lyndon, William Makepeace Thackeray [best ereader under 100 .txt] 📗

unsuspecting person like myself should have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver!

We were in London at three o’clock, and half-an-hour before the time appointed our chaise drove to Gray’s Inn. I easily found out Mr. Tapewell’s apartments⁠—a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I entered it! As we went up the dirty backstair, lighted by a feeble lamp and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated and faint.

“Redmond,” said she, as we got up to the door, “don’t go in: I am sure there is danger. There’s time yet; let us go back⁠—to Ireland⁠—anywhere!” And she put herself before the door, in one of her theatrical attitudes, and took my hand.

I just pushed her away to one side. “Lady Lyndon,” said I, “you are an old fool!”

“Old fool!” said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she cried, “Say Lady Lyndon is here;” and stalked down the passage muttering “Old fool.” It was “old” which was the epithet that touched her. I might call her anything but that.

Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one moment.

And back he did come in one moment, bringing with him⁠—whom do you think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover.

When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of invective which quite astonished me.

“Old fool as I am,” said she, “I have outwitted the most crafty and treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I was a fool when I married you, and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake⁠—yes, I was a fool when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a baseborn adventurer⁠—a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; to see women, as base and lowborn as yourself⁠—”

“For Heaven’s sake, be calm!” cries the lawyer; and then bounded back behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent fury; screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom she heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the sentence with the word fool.

“You don’t tell all, my Lady,” says I bitterly; “I said old fool.”

“I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard could say or do,” interposed little Poynings. “This lady is now safe under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your infamous persecutions no longer.”

“But you are not safe,” roared I; “and, as sure as I am a man of honour, and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart’s blood now.”

“Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!” screamed the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs.

“I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,” cried my Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. “If the scoundrel remains in London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.” And this threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless.

“Where’s the man will seize me!” shouted I, drawing my sword, and placing my back to the door. “Let the scoundrel come. You⁠—you cowardly braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!”

“We’re not going to seize you!” said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. “My dear sir, we don’t wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!”

“And the country will be well rid of such a villain!” says my Lord, retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and in company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have charged the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them to his account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer’s desk.

“Gentlemen,” said I, “I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!” and I sat down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which were the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went into cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the luxuries and pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It was so with me now. My strength of mind