The Dead Secret, Wilkie Collins [best historical biographies .TXT] 📗

“You made me so happy with that message and with the kiss you sent me from your child,” she said, when Rosamond had given her the lemonade, and was seated quietly by the bedside again. “It was such a kind way of saying that you pardoned me! It gave me all the courage I wanted to speak to you as I am speaking now. Perhaps my illness has changed me⁠—but I don’t feel frightened and strange with you, as I thought I should, at our first meeting after you knew the Secret. I think I shall soon get well enough to see your child. Is he like what you were at his age? If he is, he must be very, very⁠—” She stopped. “I may think of that,” she added, after waiting a little, “but I had better not talk of it, or I shall cry too; and I want to have done with sorrow now.”

While she spoke those words, while her eyes were fixed with wistful eagerness on her daughter’s face, the whole instinct of neatness was still mechanically at work in her weak, wasted fingers. Rosamond had tossed her gloves from her on the bed but the minute before; and already her mother had taken them up, and was smoothing them out carefully and folding them neatly together, all the while she spoke.

“Call me ‘mother’ again,” she said, as Rosamond took the gloves from her and thanked her with a kiss for folding them up. “I have never heard you call me ‘mother’ till now⁠—never, never till now, from the day when you were born!”

Rosamond checked the tears that were rising in her eyes again, and repeated the word.

“It is all the happiness I want, to lie here and look at you, and hear you say that! Is there any other woman in the world, my love, who has a face so beautiful and so kind as yours?” She paused and smiled faintly. “I can’t look at those sweet rosy lips now,” she said, “without thinking how many kisses they owe me!”

“If you had only let me pay the debt before!” said Rosamond, taking her mother’s hand, as she was accustomed to take her child’s, and placing it on her neck. “If you had only spoken the first time we met, when you came to nurse me! How sorrowfully I have thought of that since! Oh, mother, did I distress you much in my ignorance? Did it make you cry when you thought of me after that?”

“Distress me! All my distress, Rosamond, has been of my own making, not of yours. My kind, thoughtful love! you said, ‘Don’t be hard on her’⁠—do you remember? When I was being sent away, deservedly sent away, dear, for frightening you, you said to your husband, ‘Don’t be hard on her!’ Only five words⁠—but, oh, what a comfort it was to me afterward to think that you had said them! I did want to kiss you so, Rosamond, when I was brushing your hair. I had such a hard fight of it to keep from crying out loud when I heard you, behind the bed-curtains, wishing your little child good night. My heart was in my mouth, choking me all that time. I took your part afterward, when I went back to my mistress⁠—I wouldn’t hear her say a harsh word of you. I could have looked a hundred mistresses in the face then, and contradicted them all. Oh, no, no, no! you never distressed me. My worst grief at going away was years and years before I came to nurse you at West Winston. It was when I left my place at Porthgenna; when I stole into your nursery on that dreadful morning, and when I saw you with both your little arms round my master’s neck. The doll you had taken to bed with you was in one of your hands, and your head was resting on the Captain’s bosom, just as mine rests now⁠—oh, so happily, Rosamond!⁠—on yours. I heard the last words he was speaking to you⁠—words you were too young to remember. ‘Hush! Rosie, dear,’ he said, ‘don’t cry any more for poor mamma. Think of poor papa, and try to comfort him!’ There, my love⁠—there was the bitterest distress and the hardest to bear! I, your own mother, standing like a spy, and hearing him say that to the child I dared not own! ‘Think of poor papa!’ My own Rosamond! you know, now, what father I thought of when he said those words! How could I tell him the Secret? how could I give him the letter, with his wife dead that morning⁠—with nobody but you to comfort him⁠—with the awful truth crushing down upon my heart, at every word he spoke, as heavily as ever the rock crushed down upon the father you never saw!”

“Don’t speak of it now!” said Rosamond. “Don’t let us refer again to the past: I know all I ought to know, all I wish to know of it. We will talk of the future, mother, and of happier times to come. Let me tell you about my husband. If any words can praise him as he ought to be praised, and thank him as he ought to be thanked, I am sure mine ought⁠—I am sure yours will! Let me tell you what he said and what he did when I read to him the letter that I found in the Myrtle Room. Yes, yes, do let me!”

Warned by a remembrance of the doctor’s last injunctions; trembling in secret, as she felt under her hand the heavy, toilsome, irregular heaving of her mother’s heart, as she saw the rapid changes of color, from pale to red, and from red to pale again, that fluttered across her mother’s face, she resolved to let no more words pass between them which were of a nature to recall painfully the sorrows and the suffering of the years that were