The Longer The Fall, Aviva Gat [top 10 books to read txt] 📗

same clothes she had worn to the Senate hearings that day. A navy-blue skirt suit with a white blouse. She started unbuttoning the blouse and hung it up in her closet as Brandon watched her. His eyes made her slightly uncomfortable even though he had seen her naked countless times. But this time felt different, he looked at her like a teenager about to lose his virginity, or a hungry wolf who had cornered his prey. She then unzipped her skirt and pulled down her stockings, just as Brandon embraced her. He continued to kiss her hard and Madeline kissed him back, still waiting for the desire, the passion, to come. They lay down on the bed and Brandon’s hand wandered down on her. Then, he got on top of her and began making love to her. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. “I can’t believe I am so lucky to have such an amazing wife.”

Madeline smiled and continued moving in their rhythm and kissing her husband. When she was tired of having sex, she told him she was about to orgasm and then a few moments later let out a small whimper, a sigh and held Brandon tight in her. She knew he would believe she came and that by itself would make him come seconds later. When he finished he rolled next to her. “Oh my God,” he said. “That was amazing. How was it for you?”

“Great,” Madeline responded, giving him an assuring smile. Inside she was disappointed in herself. Why didn’t her body surge with desire for her husband? Her husband who was so perfect, so good looking, and treated her so well? Why didn’t his touch make her feel electricity?

Unfortunately, this lack of desire wasn’t new for Madeline. As she lay curled in Brandon’s arms she thought about the first time they had sex. It was right after she moved to California to be with him. The first few nights she spent in his—their—apartment, the two of them stayed up all night talking. They kissed passionately, and even rolled around in the bed together, but they took it slow physically. After almost a week, when Madeline was dying to take the relationship to the next step—and she was sure that Brandon was too—they finally did it.

When it started, Madeline was full of desire, full of wanting Brandon to touch her everywhere, to have him deep inside her. But once it started, Madeline’s body quickly recoiled. Brandon moved in his own rhythm, completely out of sync with Madeline. He seemed oblivious to movements and Madeline quickly felt like sex was a battle between each of them trying to get what they want, rather than the two of them trying to reach something together. When it was over, she told herself it was normal, not everyone has great sex from the beginning, that she could teach him to meet her desires, that sex would improve with time. This was definitely not symbolic of anything else in their relationship, she assured herself.

The second time they had sex was much like the first and Madeline again was left feeling disappointed and unsatisfied. She faked her satisfaction to end it quicker and pretended that everything in their relationship was perfect. Because, for the most part, it was. Wasn’t it? Besides the sex, everything with Brandon was perfect. He was a gentleman, he was ambitious, thoughtful, intelligent. He was everything Madeline had ever wanted in a man, except for when they were naked. But that wasn’t a big deal, was it? No relationship was perfect. Madeline decided this was a problem she could live with and one that would surely improve over the years.

She was right. Over the years it did improve. She learned to tell Brandon what she liked and what she didn’t like, even when it had confused him since, in his mind, she had been orgasming from the things she didn’t like for years. She trained him on how to touch her, how to move with her and how to sense her feelings. Brandon was eager to please and took direction well. He did exactly what she said and was proud of himself when Madeline actually did orgasm with him. But even so, even with Brandon completely changing the way he made love, Madeline still didn’t feel a burning desire for him. She sometimes enjoyed sex, sometimes wanted it, but she hadn’t longed for Brandon as she had for others in her past. But that wasn’t important, she told herself. Because passion fades with time anyway. It’s better to be married to someone who has everything else than to marry someone for passion.

Over the years, their sexual relationship morphed as does all couples’. During the years when their children were babies it was difficult and sometimes nonexistent. They were often too tired and seemed to always have one son crying, awake from nightmares or snuggling with them in their bed. As their children got older and stopped waking them up, Madeline decided it was time for them to manage their sex life as they managed all other aspects of their lives. They should have sex once a week, she decided. It would be quiet, simple married-people-sex, the kind that ensured their sex life never completely disappeared and Brandon would not be incentivized to stray. It was the kind of sex life where both of them could rationalize that that was what sex was like for people approaching forty while managing busy careers and two children. There would be no dry spells, no reasons to fight about not having sex and they could both feel good about the fact that they still had sex, even after 13 years together.

“Second time this week!” Brandon said with a big smile as he drew circles on Madeline’s shoulder with his fingers. “Guess you really missed me too with everything going on.” Madeline smiled at her husband, who appeared satisfied with their sexual relationship throughout the years,