Short Fiction, Robert E. Howard [highly illogical behavior TXT] 📗

wearing a slicker. Johnny There’s your chance, Spike. Spike Nix, I respect age. Here comes somebody. A Jalor student passes. He is six feet three inches and weighs 217 pounds. Tommy I respect age, all right, but I respect size a lot more. Another Student Say, you snake eaters, on your toes, there goes the gong. Johnny Hold on, that’s a green light. Jerry Aw, come on. That means go. He starts across the street. Traffic cop Hey! What you trying to pull *!*!*!xx* Censored. Spike There’s the right signal. They walk down the street. Bertie Anyhow, we showed more pep than the Jalor student body. Eh! Johnny? Johnny What? Yeah⁠—I⁠—uh⁠—gottasneeze! Ka-choo! A girl screams and runs in a store, a traffic cop jumps eight feet and reaches for his hip, and the clerks all look out of the stores. Jerry Say, save them red-blooded, he-man sneezes for the wide open spaces of West Texas. These Easterners ain’t rugged like we are. Spike, Tommy and Bertie turn off from the rest and enter a café. Tommy Me eye, I ain’t ate nothin’ since supper yesterday, except a hamburger or two, a couple of ham sandwiches, three buns, an apricot tart, two ice-cream sodas, a chocolate malted milk, a couple of chocolate bars, and a sack of peanuts. Come on, I’m broke. Both So are we. Tommy This is a fine crowd. Bertie Hey, we’ve just got time to catch the train. Tommy Migosh! I’ve lost my ticket! Exit. Scene II

The train. Tommy is arguing with the conductor.

Tommy But I tell you, I had it. I came over with the crowd from our college to watch the team play Jalor Mares at the Hay Palace. I had my ticket and⁠ ⁠… Conductor Aw, tell it to the Marines. I know it already. Somebody picked your pocket or the naughty ticket got away from you and when last seen was headed east at a high rate of speed. Outside! Students But we know this fellow. Conductor Tell it to Sweeny! Throws Tommy off the train. Tommy Thanks for the buggy ride. May your children all have ingrown toenails. Grabs the rods. Brakeman Hey, come outa that. He kicks him off. Tommy Say, lay offa me. I’ll have you know I’m a freeborn American citizen with rights nobody can trample. Here’s one now! Tommy hits brakeman. Brakeman hits Tommy. Tommy hits the ground. Exit. Scene III

The next night. Bertie seated in his room, before a warm fire. He appears very comfortable and satisfied. Enter Tommy. His clothes are muddy and wrinkled, and his toes are showing through his worn shoes. He wobbles on his feet and otherwise appears somewhat fatigued.

Bertie Come in an shut the door. Want to freeze me? Ain’t you got no consideration. Nobody’s seen you in that garb I hope. You look like a tramp. Tommy gives a ferocious look. Tommy If I wasn’t so tired I’d poke you in the beezer. He flops into a chair. Bertie Idly. How’d you get in? Tommy I walked! Bertie All the way? Tommy Naw. It was this way. I’d grab every train that came along, then when the conductor would come for my ticket, I’d tell him I’d lost it. They’d kick me off, but I’d be that much further down the line. I did that seven times and made four miles that way. But finally one of ’em stopped the train, ’stead of throwin’ me off while it was runnin’ like the rest had done. Bertie That was kind of him. Tommy Bloodthirsty. Yeah, I’ll say so! They stopped in a yap town and had me pinched. They put me in the hoosegow and I’d be there yet only the cop was a Prohibition officer and was so drunk he did not lock the door. Then I walked about twelve miles till I caught a ride on a wagon. Bertie That shows that there’s always people kind and ready to assist even a hobo. Why didn’t you ride on it? Tommy Because the bird driving the wagon saw me and kicked me off. Then I walked and walked and walked, and then I walked some more. I got blisters on my feet till it felt like I was walking on watermelons. Bertie Did it rain all the time? Tommy Naw, sometimes it sleeted or snowed. The roads were so rotten that I waded three miles down a creek thinking it was a road. I didn’t find my mistake till a farmer came and beat me up for trespassing on private property. Once I got lost and walked seventeen miles in the opposite direction before I found out different. He waxes eloquent. Gaze on me; a living example of the injustice of the American railroad corporations. I wore out my shoes and swiped these off a sleeping hobo; I lived on standpipe julep and garbage. My clothes are worn out and I lost the ring for which I paid Woolworth a week’s salary. And they call this a free country! Bertie laughs. He laughs with much gusto. Bertie Ha! Ha! Haw! Haw! He! He! Say, that’s the best joke I’ve heard of in a long time. Ha! Ha! Tommy What joke? Bertie Why, just after the conductor threw you off. I found your ticket in my coat. Exeunt. Sleeping Beauty Scene I

A special train, a chair car, occupied by students. An upperclassman is attempting to sleep.

Upperclassman Things have quieted down and I’ll get a chance for a nap. He dozes. A classmate Hey, wake up! All out for Hunkusville! Upperclassman Aw, set on a tack. He dozes. A Freshman begins blowing a horn. Upperclassman Enough is too darned much! He chases all the Freshmen out. He dozes. Scene II

Upperclassman is snoring contentedly.

Somebody drops the brasses of the brass drum. Upperclassman Who⁠—what⁠—hey, what time is it? The Porter One-thirty, suh. Upperclassman Fine. Everybody’s asleep now. Now for a good nap. He dozes. The train whistles for a station.