Uneasy Money, P. G. Wodehouse [little bear else holmelund minarik txt] 📗

whose snakelike form had nestled in so many a front row orchestra chair. Where were his lobster Newburgs now, his cold quarts that were wont to set the table in a roar?

Nutty Boyd conformed as nearly as a human being may to Euclid’s definition of a straight line. He was length without breadth. From boyhood’s early day he had sprouted like a weed, till now in the middle twenties he gave startled strangers the conviction that it only required a sharp gust of wind to snap him in half. Lying in bed he looked more like a length of hose pipe than anything else. While he was unwinding himself the door opened and Elizabeth came into the room.

“Good morning, Nutty.”

“What’s the time?” asked her brother hollowly.

“Getting on for nine. It’s a lovely day. The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing, summer’s in the air. It’s one of those beautiful, shiny, heavenly, gorgeous days.”

A look of suspicion came into Nutty’s eyes. Elizabeth was not often as lyrical as this.

“There’s a catch somewhere,” he said.

“Well, as a matter of fact,” said Elizabeth carelessly, “the water’s off again.”

“Damn!”

“I said that. I’m afraid we aren’t a very original family.”

“What a ghastly joint this is! Why can’t you see old Flack and make him fix that infernal wheel up?”

“I’m going to pounce on him and have another try directly I see him. Meanwhile, darling Nutty, will you get some clothes on and go round to the Smiths and ask them to lend us a pailful?”

“Oh, gosh, it’s over a mile!”

“No, no, not more than three-quarters.”

“Lugging a pail that weighs a ton! The last time I went there their dog bit me.”

“I expect that was because you slunk in all doubled up, and he got suspicious. You should hold your head up and throw your chest out and stride up as if you were a military friend of the family.”

Self-pity lent Nutty eloquence.

“For heaven’s sake! You drag me out of bed at some awful hour of the morning when a rational person would just be turning in; you send me across country to carry pailfuls of water when I’m feeling like a corpse; and on top of that you expect me to behave like a drum major!”

“Dearest, you can behave as you like, so long as you get the fluid. We must have water. I can’t fetch it. I’m a delicately nurtured female.”

“We ought to have a man to do these ghastly jobs.”

“But we can’t afford one. Who do you think I am, Nutty⁠—Hetty Green? Just at present all I ask is to be able to pay expenses. And, as a matter of fact, you ought to be very thankful that you have got⁠—”

“A roof over my head? I know. You needn’t keep rubbing it in.”

Elizabeth flushed.

“I wasn’t going to say that at all. What a pig you are sometimes, Nutty! As if I wasn’t only too glad to have you here! What I was going to say was that you ought to be very thankful that you have got to draw water and hew wood.”

A look of absolute alarm came into Nutty’s pallid face.

“You don’t mean to say that you want some wood chopped?”

“I was speaking figuratively. I meant hustle about and work in the open air. The sort of life you are leading now is what millionaires pay hundreds of dollars for at these physical culture places. It has been the making of you.”

“I don’t feel made.”

“Your nerves are ever so much better.”

“They aren’t.”

Elizabeth looked at him in alarm.

“Oh, Nutty, you haven’t been⁠—seeing anything again, have you?”

“Not seeing, dreaming. I’ve been dreaming about monkeys. Why should I dream about monkeys if my nerves were all right?”

“I often dream about all sorts of queer things.”

“Have you ever dreamed that you were being chased up Broadway by a chimpanzee in evening dress?”

“Never mind, dear, you’ll be quite all right again when you have been living this life down here a little longer.”

Nutty glared balefully at the ceiling.

“What’s that darned thing up there? It looks like a hornet. How on earth do these things get into the house?”

“We ought to have nettings. I am going to pounce on Mr. Flack about that too.”

“Thank goodness this isn’t going to last much longer. It’s nearly two weeks since Uncle Ira died. We ought to be hearing from the lawyers any day now. There might be a letter this morning.”

“Do you think he has left us his money?”

“Do I? Why, what else could he do with it? We are his only surviving relatives, aren’t we? I’ve had to go through life with a ghastly name like Nutcombe as a compliment to him, haven’t I? I wrote to him regularly for Christmas and on his birthday, didn’t I? Well, then! I have a hunch there will be a letter from the lawyers today. I wish you would get dressed and go down to the post office while I’m toting that infernal water. I can’t think why the fools haven’t cabled. You would have supposed they would have thought of that.”

Elizabeth returned to her room to dress. She was conscious of a feeling that nothing was quite perfect in this world. It would be nice to have a great deal of money, for she had a scheme in her mind which called for a large capital; but she was sorry that it could come to her only through the death of her uncle, of whom, despite his somewhat forbidding personality, she had always been fond. She was also sorry that a large sum of money was coming to Nutty at that particular point in his career, just when there seemed a hope that the simple life might pull him together. She knew Nutty too well not to be able to forecast his probable behavior under the influence of a sudden restoration to wealth.

While these thoughts were passing through her mind she happened to glance out of the window. Nutty was shambling through the garden with his pail, a bowed, shuffling pillar of