Shirley, Charlotte Brontë [free children's ebooks online .txt] 📗

“You saw nothing, Caroline; I can cover my feelings. You can never tell what an age of strange sensation I lived, during the two minutes that elapsed between the report of your name and your entrance. You can never tell how your look, mien, carriage, shook me.”

“Why? Were you disappointed?”

“What will she be like? I had asked myself; and when I saw what you were like, I could have dropped.”

“Mamma, why?”

“I trembled in your presence. I said, I will never own her; she shall never know me.”

“But I said and did nothing remarkable. I felt a little diffident at the thought of an introduction to strangers⁠—that was all.”

“I soon saw you were diffident. That was the first thing which reassured me. Had you been rustic, clownish, awkward, I should have been content.”

“You puzzle me.”

“I had reason to dread a fair outside, to mistrust a popular bearing, to shudder before distinction, grace, and courtesy. Beauty and affability had come in my way when I was recluse, desolate, young, and ignorant⁠—a toil-worn governess perishing of uncheered labour, breaking down before her time. These, Caroline, when they smiled on me, I mistook for angels. I followed them home; and when into their hands I had given without reserve my whole chance of future happiness, it was my lot to witness a transfiguration on the domestic hearth⁠—to see the white mask lifted, the bright disguise put away, and opposite me sat down⁠—O God, I have suffered!”

She sank on the pillow.

“I have suffered! None saw⁠—none knew. There was no sympathy, no redemption, no redress!”

“Take comfort, mother. It is over now.”

“It is over, and not fruitlessly. I tried to keep the word of His patience. He kept me in the days of my anguish. I was afraid with terror⁠—I was troubled. Through great tribulation He brought me through to a salvation revealed in this last time. My fear had torment; He has cast it out. He has given me in its stead perfect love. But, Caroline⁠—”

Thus she invoked her daughter after a pause.

“Mother!”

“I charge you, when you next look on your father’s monument, to respect the name chiselled there. To you he did only good. On you he conferred his whole treasure of beauties, nor added to them one dark defect. All you derived from him is excellent. You owe him gratitude. Leave, between him and me, the settlement of our mutual account. Meddle not. God is the arbiter. This world’s laws never came near us⁠—never! They were powerless as a rotten bulrush to protect me⁠—impotent as idiot babblings to restrain him! As you said, it is all over now; the grave lies between us. There he sleeps, in that church. To his dust I say this night, what I have never said before, ‘James, slumber peacefully! See! your terrible debt is cancelled! Look! I wipe out the long, black account with my own hand! James, your child atones. This living likeness of you⁠—this thing with your perfect features⁠—this one good gift you gave me has nestled affectionately to my heart, and tenderly called me “mother.” Husband, rest forgiven!’ ”

“Dearest mother, that is right! Can papa’s spirit hear us? Is he comforted to know that we still love him?”

“I said nothing of love. I spoke of forgiveness. Mind the truth, child; I said nothing of love! On the threshold of eternity, should he be there to see me enter, will I maintain that.”

“O mother, you must have suffered!”

“O child, the human heart can suffer! It can hold more tears than the ocean holds waters. We never know how deep, how wide it is, till misery begins to unbind her clouds, and fill it with rushing blackness.”

“Mother, forget.”

“Forget!” she said, with the strangest spectre of a laugh. “The north pole will rush to the south, and the headlands of Europe be locked into the bays of Australia ere I forget.”

“Hush, mother! Rest! Be at peace!”

And the child lulled the parent, as the parent had erst lulled the child. At last Mrs. Pryor wept. She then grew calmer. She resumed those tender cares agitation had for a moment suspended. Replacing her daughter on the couch, she smoothed the pillow and spread the sheet. The soft hair whose locks were loosened she rearranged, the damp brow she refreshed with a cool, fragrant essence.

“Mamma, let them bring a candle, that I may see you; and tell my uncle to come into this room by-and-by. I want to hear him say that I am your daughter. And, mamma, take your supper here. Don’t leave me for one minute tonight.”

“O Caroline, it is well you are gentle! You will say to me, Go, and I shall go; Come, and I shall come; Do this, and I shall do it. You inherit a certain manner as well as certain features. It will always be ‘mamma’ prefacing a mandate⁠—softly spoken, though, from you, thank God! Well,” she added, under her breath, “he spoke softly too, once, like a flute breathing tenderness; and then, when the world was not by to listen, discords that split the nerves and curdled the blood⁠—sounds to inspire insanity.”

“It seems so natural, mamma, to ask you for this and that. I shall want nobody but you to be near me, or to do anything for me. But do not let me be troublesome. Check me if I encroach.”

“You must not depend on me to check you; you must keep guard over yourself. I have little moral courage; the want of it is my bane. It is that which has made me an unnatural parent⁠—which has kept me apart from my child during the ten years which have elapsed since my husband’s death left me at liberty to claim her. It was that which first unnerved my arms and permitted the infant I might have retained a while longer to be snatched prematurely from their embrace.”

“How, mamma?”

“I let you go as a babe, because you were pretty, and I feared your loveliness, deeming it the stamp of perversity. They