The Song of the Lark, Willa Cather [rosie project .txt] 📗

was your creative hour. I knew you were getting a lot, but I didn’t realize how much.”

Thea walked on in silence. She seemed to be thinking.

“Do you know what they really taught me?” she came out suddenly. “They taught me the inevitable hardness of human life. No artist gets far who doesn’t know that. And you can’t know it with your mind. You have to realize it in your body, somehow; deep. It’s an animal sort of feeling. I sometimes think it’s the strongest of all. Do you know what I’m driving at?”

“I think so. Even your audiences feel it, vaguely: that you’ve sometime or other faced things that make you different.”

Thea turned her back to the wind, wiping away the snow that clung to her brows and lashes. “Ugh!” she exclaimed; “no matter how long a breath you have, the storm has a longer. I haven’t signed for next season, yet, Fred. I’m holding out for a big contract: forty performances. Necker won’t be able to do much next winter. It’s going to be one of those between seasons; the old singers are too old, and the new ones are too new. They might as well risk me as anybody. So I want good terms. The next five or six years are going to be my best.”

“You’ll get what you demand, if you are uncompromising. I’m safe in congratulating you now.”

Thea laughed. “It’s a little early. I may not get it at all. They don’t seem to be breaking their necks to meet me. I can go back to Dresden.”

As they turned the curve and walked westward they got the wind from the side, and talking was easier.

Fred lowered his collar and shook the snow from his shoulders. “Oh, I don’t mean on the contract particularly. I congratulate you on what you can do, Thea, and on all that lies behind what you do. On the life that’s led up to it, and on being able to care so much. That, after all, is the unusual thing.”

She looked at him sharply, with a certain apprehension. “Care? Why shouldn’t I care? If I didn’t, I’d be in a bad way. What else have I got?” She stopped with a challenging interrogation, but Ottenburg did not reply. “You mean,” she persisted, “that you don’t care as much as you used to?”

“I care about your success, of course.” Fred fell into a slower pace. Thea felt at once that he was talking seriously and had dropped the tone of half-ironical exaggeration he had used with her of late years. “And I’m grateful to you for what you demand from yourself, when you might get off so easily. You demand more and more all the time, and you’ll do more and more. One is grateful to anybody for that; it makes life in general a little less sordid. But as a matter of fact, I’m not much interested in how anybody sings anything.”

“That’s too bad of you, when I’m just beginning to see what is worth doing, and how I want to do it!” Thea spoke in an injured tone.

“That’s what I congratulate you on. That’s the great difference between your kind and the rest of us. It’s how long you’re able to keep it up that tells the story. When you needed enthusiasm from the outside, I was able to give it to you. Now you must let me withdraw.”

“I’m not tying you, am I?” she flashed out. “But withdraw to what? What do you want?”

Fred shrugged. “I might ask you, What have I got? I want things that wouldn’t interest you; that you probably wouldn’t understand. For one thing, I want a son to bring up.”

“I can understand that. It seems to me reasonable. Have you also found somebody you want to marry?”

“Not particularly.” They turned another curve, which brought the wind to their backs, and they walked on in comparative calm, with the snow blowing past them. “It’s not your fault, Thea, but I’ve had you too much in my mind. I’ve not given myself a fair chance in other directions. I was in Rome when you and Nordquist were there. If that had kept up, it might have cured me.”

“It might have cured a good many things,” remarked Thea grimly.

Fred nodded sympathetically and went on. “In my library in St. Louis, over the fireplace, I have a property spear I had copied from one in Venice⁠—oh, years ago, after you first went abroad, while you were studying. You’ll probably be singing Brünnhilde pretty soon now, and I’ll send it on to you, if I may. You can take it and its history for what they’re worth. But I’m nearly forty years old, and I’ve served my turn. You’ve done what I hoped for you, what I was honestly willing to lose you for⁠—then. I’m older now, and I think I was an ass. I wouldn’t do it again if I had the chance, not much! But I’m not sorry. It takes a great many people to make one⁠—Brünnhilde.”

Thea stopped by the fence and looked over into the black choppiness on which the snowflakes fell and disappeared with magical rapidity. Her face was both angry and troubled. “So you really feel I’ve been ungrateful. I thought you sent me out to get something. I didn’t know you wanted me to bring in something easy. I thought you wanted something⁠—” She took a deep breath and shrugged her shoulders. “But there! nobody on God’s earth wants it, really! If one other person wanted it,”⁠—she thrust her hand out before him and clenched it⁠—“my God, what I could do!”

Fred laughed dismally. “Even in my ashes I feel myself pushing you! How can anybody help it? My dear girl, can’t you see that anybody else who wanted it as you do would be your rival, your deadliest danger? Can’t you see that it’s your great good fortune that other people can’t care about it so much?”

But Thea seemed not to take in his protest