Pygmalion, George Bernard Shaw [e book reader free TXT] 📗

journey by throwing himself so impatiently on the divan that he almost breaks it. Mrs. Higgins looks at him, but controls herself and says nothing. A long and painful pause ensues. Mrs. Higgins At last, conversationally. Will it rain, do you think? Liza The shallow depression in the west of these islands is likely to move slowly in an easterly direction. There are no indications of any great change in the barometrical situation. Freddy Ha! ha! how awfully funny! Liza What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right. Freddy Killing! Mrs. Eynsford Hill I’m sure I hope it won’t turn cold. There’s so much influenza about. It runs right through our whole family regularly every spring. Liza Darkly. My aunt died of influenza: so they said. Mrs. Eynsford Hill Clicks her tongue sympathetically. Liza In the same tragic tone. But it’s my belief they done the old woman in. Mrs. Higgins Puzzled. Done her in? Liza Y-e-e-e-es, Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza? She come through diphtheria right enough the year before. I saw her with my own eyes. Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead; but my father he kept ladling gin down her throat til she came to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon. Mrs. Eynsford Hill Startled. Dear me! Liza Piling up the indictment. What call would a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza? What become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it done her in. Mrs. Eynsford Hill What does doing her in mean? Higgins Hastily. Oh, that’s the new small talk. To do a person in means to kill them. Mrs. Eynsford Hill To Eliza, horrified. You surely don’t believe that your aunt was killed? Liza Do I not! Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. Mrs. Eynsford Hill But it can’t have been right for your father to pour spirits down her throat like that. It might have killed her. Liza Not her. Gin was mother’s milk to her. Besides, he’d poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it. Mrs. Eynsford Hill Do you mean that he drank? Liza Drank! My word! Something chronic. Mrs. Eynsford Hill How dreadful for you! Liza Not a bit. It never did him no harm what I could see. But then he did not keep it up regular. Cheerfully. On the burst, as you might say, from time to time. And always more agreeable when he had a drop in. When he was out of work, my mother used to give him fourpence and tell him to go out and not come back until he’d drunk himself cheerful and loving-like. There’s lots of women has to make their husbands drunk to make them fit to live with. Now quite at her ease. You see, it’s like this. If a man has a bit of a conscience, it always takes him when he’s sober; and then it makes him low-spirited. A drop of booze just takes that off and makes him happy. To Freddy, who is in convulsions of suppressed laughter. Here! what are you sniggering at? Freddy The new small talk. You do it so awfully well. Liza If I was doing it proper, what was you laughing at? To Higgins. Have I said anything I oughtn’t? Mrs. Higgins Interposing. Not at all, Miss Doolittle. Liza Well, that’s a mercy, anyhow. Expansively. What I always say is⁠— Higgins Rising and looking at his watch. Ahem! Liza Looking round at him; taking the hint; and rising. Well: I must go. They all rise. Freddy goes to the door. So pleased to have met you. Goodbye. She shakes hands with Mrs. Higgins. Mrs. Higgins Goodbye. Liza Goodbye, Colonel Pickering. Pickering Goodbye, Miss Doolittle. They shake hands. Liza Nodding to the others. Goodbye, all. Freddy Opening the door for her. Are you walking across the Park, Miss Doolittle? If so⁠— Liza Walk! Not bloody likely. Sensation. I am going in a taxi. She goes out. Pickering gasps and sits down. Freddy goes out on the balcony to catch another glimpse of Eliza. Mrs. Eynsford Hill Suffering from shock. Well, I really can’t get used to the new ways. Clara Throwing herself discontentedly into the Elizabethan chair. Oh, it’s all right, mamma, quite right. People will think we never go anywhere or see anybody if you are so old-fashioned. Mrs. Eynsford Hill I daresay I am very old-fashioned; but I do hope you won’t begin using that expression, Clara. I have got accustomed to hear you talking about men as rotters, and calling everything filthy and beastly; though I do think it horrible and unladylike. But this last is really too much. Don’t you think so, Colonel Pickering? Pickering Don’t ask me. I’ve been away in India for several years; and manners have changed so much that I sometimes don’t know whether I’m at a respectable dinner table or in a ship’s forecastle. Clara It’s all a matter of habit. There’s no right or wrong in it. Nobody means anything by it. And it’s so quaint, and gives such a smart emphasis to things that are not in themselves very witty. I find the new small talk delightful and quite innocent. Mrs. Eynsford Hill Rising. Well, after that, I think it’s time for us to go. Pickering and Higgins rise. Clara Rising. Oh yes: we have three at homes to go to still. Goodbye, Mrs. Higgins. Goodbye, Colonel Pickering. Goodbye, Professor Higgins. Higgins Coming grimly at her from the divan, and accompanying her to the door. Goodbye. Be sure you try on that small talk at the three at-homes. Don’t be nervous about it. Pitch it in strong. Clara All smiles. I will. Goodbye. Such nonsense, all this early Victorian prudery! Higgins Tempting her. Such damned nonsense! Clara Such bloody nonsense! Mrs. Eynsford Hill Convulsively. Clara! Clara Ha! ha! She goes out radiant,