Shirley, Charlotte Brontë [free children's ebooks online .txt] 📗

large, dark, haughty, upon me. They said, ‘You have pained me; you have outraged me; you have deceived me.’

“She added words soon to looks.

“ ‘I did respect⁠—I did admire⁠—I did like you,’ she said⁠—‘yes, as much as if you were my brother; and you⁠—you want to make a speculation of me. You would immolate me to that mill, your Moloch!’

“I had the common sense to abstain from any word of excuse, any attempt at palliation. I stood to be scorned.

“Sold to the devil for the time being, I was certainly infatuated. When I did speak, what do you think I said?

“ ‘Whatever my own feelings were, I was persuaded you loved me, Miss Keeldar.’

“Beautiful, was it not? She sat quite confounded. ‘Is it Robert Moore that speaks?’ I heard her mutter. ‘Is it a man⁠—or something lower?’

“ ‘Do you mean,’ she asked aloud⁠—‘do you mean you thought I loved you as we love those we wish to marry?’

“It was my meaning, and I said so.

“ ‘You conceived an idea obnoxious to a woman’s feelings,’ was her answer. ‘You have announced it in a fashion revolting to a woman’s soul. You insinuate that all the frank kindness I have shown you has been a complicated, a bold, and an immodest manoeuvre to ensnare a husband. You imply that at last you come here out of pity to offer me your hand, because I have courted you. Let me say this: Your sight is jaundiced; you have seen wrong. Your mind is warped; you have judged wrong. Your tongue betrays you; you now speak wrong. I never loved you. Be at rest there. My heart is as pure of passion for you as yours is barren of affection for me.’

“I hope I was answered, Yorke?

“ ‘I seem to be a blind, besotted sort of person,’ was my remark.

“ ’Loved you!’ she cried. ‘Why, I have been as frank with you as a sister⁠—never shunned you, never feared you. You cannot,’ she affirmed triumphantly⁠—‘you cannot make me tremble with your coming, nor accelerate my pulse by your influence.’

“I alleged that often, when she spoke to me, she blushed, and that the sound of my name moved her.

“ ‘Not for your sake!’ she declared briefly. I urged explanation, but could get none.

“ ‘When I sat beside you at the school feast, did you think I loved you then? When I stopped you in Maythorn Lane, did you think I loved you then? When I called on you in the countinghouse, when I walked with you on the pavement, did you think I loved you then?’

“So she questioned me; and I said I did.

“By the Lord! Yorke, she rose, she grew tall, she expanded and refined almost to flame. There was a trembling all through her, as in live coal when its vivid vermilion is hottest.

“ ‘That is to say that you have the worst opinion of me; that you deny me the possession of all I value most. That is to say that I am a traitor to all my sisters; that I have acted as no woman can act without degrading herself and her sex; that I have sought where the incorrupt of my kind naturally scorn and abhor to seek.’ She and I were silent for many a minute. ‘Lucifer, Star of the Morning,’ she went on, ‘thou art fallen! You, once high in my esteem, are hurled down; you, once intimate in my friendship, are cast out. Go!’

“I went not. I had heard her voice tremble, seen her lip quiver. I knew another storm of tears would fall, and then I believed some calm and some sunshine must come, and I would wait for it.

“As fast, but more quietly than before, the warm rain streamed down. There was another sound in her weeping⁠—a softer, more regretful sound. While I watched, her eyes lifted to me a gaze more reproachful than haughty, more mournful than incensed.

“ ‘O Moore!’ said she. It was worse than ‘Et tu, Brute!’

“I relieved myself by what should have been a sigh, but it became a groan. A sense of Cain-like desolation made my breast ache.

“ ‘There has been error in what I have done,’ I said, ‘and it has won me bitter wages, which I will go and spend far from her who gave them.’

“I took my hat. All the time I could not have borne to depart so, and I believed she would not let me. Nor would she but for the mortal pang I had given her pride, that cowed her compassion and kept her silent.

“I was obliged to turn back of my own accord when I reached the door, to approach her, and to say, ‘Forgive me.’

“ ‘I could, if there was not myself to forgive too,’ was her reply; ‘but to mislead a sagacious man so far I must have done wrong.’

“I broke out suddenly with some declamation I do not remember. I know that it was sincere, and that my wish and aim were to absolve her to herself. In fact, in her case self-accusation was a chimera.

“At last she extended her hand. For the first time I wished to take her in my arms and kiss her. I did kiss her hand many times.

“ ‘Some day we shall be friends again,’ she said, ‘when you have had time to read my actions and motives in a true light, and not so horribly to misinterpret them. Time may give you the right key to all. Then, perhaps, you will comprehend me, and then we shall be reconciled.’

“Farewell drops rolled slow down her cheeks. She wiped them away.

“ ‘I am sorry for what has happened⁠—deeply sorry,’ she sobbed. So was I, God knows! Thus were we severed.”

“A queer tale!” commented Mr. Yorke.

“I’ll do it no more,” vowed his companion; “never more will I mention marriage to a woman unless I feel love. Henceforth credit and commerce may take care of themselves. Bankruptcy may come when it lists. I have done with slavish fear of disaster. I mean to work diligently, wait patiently, bear steadily. Let the