Simply Feminine � Surprising Insights from Men, Wonderly, Morgan [best ereader manga txt] 📗

“Interdependence” Is the Key to Flourishing Relationships

According to Dr. Patricia Allen, there are three relationship styles: the codependent style, the independent style, and the interdependent style. “Codependent” and “independent” relationship styles are ineffective at maintaining enriching, thriving, long-lasting relationships.

In the “codependent” relationship, one partner is a giver; the other partner is a taker whose demands or needs exceed what the giver can comfortably give. The result is that the giver is continuously drained of energy. The bottom line is that if the relationship energy exchange is not reciprocal, it is not sustainable.

The “independent” relationship style consists of two people sharing a 50/50 relationship. They see splitting the bills and household duties evenly as a way of having a fair and equal relationship. They keep score, making sure each holds up their end of the arrangement. Independent relationships resemble roommate situations and can end up being more functional than romantic. These relationships and marriages lack polarity, passion, and deep bonding, which can eventually contribute to their demise. They fall apart the moment someone better comes along.

The healthiest relationship style is the “interdependent” style. It’s marked by two people who love each other and who blend and share their unique talents and skills. Each person gives his or her gifts fully to the relationship without condition or scorekeeping. They give out of love, not obligation. Interdependent relationships create a healthy loop of giving and receiving. We reciprocate with our time, resources, abilities, and affection in exchange for our partner fulfilling our needs. To illustrate, a woman in an interdependent relationship with a man contributes all of her feminine energy to her man, and at the same time, he contributes all of his masculine energy to his woman. Both partners receive far more energy than they give, thanks to the alchemy of bringing two opposite energies together.

The interdependent style respects and appreciates each gender’s strengths. The keys to a successful interdependent relationship are mutual chemistry, communication, compatibility, and commitment.

The Story of My Aunt Helen and Uncle Asa’s Marriage

My Aunt Helen and Uncle Asa met while he was painting the exterior of the building where she worked. He chatted and flirted with her every time he saw her. She was forty-one, he was seventy-one, and neither had ever married before. Despite their thirty-year age difference, he soon asked her out. Uncle Asa fell in love with my aunt Helen almost immediately, and she also had feelings for him on their first date. To our family’s surprise, they married just three months later on Valentine’s Day.

They loved each other completely, as they enjoyed a healthy interdependent relationship. Each gave the best of what they had without holding back. They never kept score because they didn’t have to. Love fueled their marriage. Rather than giving 50/50, they each gave 100 percent. In addition to mutual respect, they teased, played, and laughed together cheerfully every day. Their lives together were filled with joy.

Since they married later in their lives, they celebrated an anniversary every month. Uncle Asa knew that my aunt Helen loved red roses and chocolates. So, on the fourteenth of every month, he brought home chocolates and roses. Each month, she expressed the same childlike delight. In all their years together, they never fell out of love.

Before marrying Asa, my aunt Helen had been a highly capable single woman. Yet in their relationship, she allowed my uncle to care for her. He opened her car door, pulled out her chair, and always held her hand. Although he wasn’t rich, he showered her with flowers and gifts. In return, she built him up in front of others and never uttered a negative word about him. She cooked his favorite meals with utmost care and watched his favorite Western movies even though she had little interest in them.

The only issue I ever heard them fight about was who was going to do the dishes. My aunt would insist, “Honey, you worked hard all day. Now you just go sit in the living room and relax and I’ll do the dishes.” Then he would respond, “No, no, you made the dinner. I’ll do the dishes. You go sit down and relax.” They would go around and around like that every night.

Because she was such a good example of a happy and radiant wife, my aunt Helen was asked to give seminars for young women, which she called “Feminars.” She taught women how to create a happy marriage by being feminine for a man. I’ll never forget how the young women looked up to her as a role model. In fact, everyone they knew admired their special love and devotion.

Uncle Asa knew what a rare treasure he had with my aunt, so he always treated her with dignity. She was his queen. And in turn, just as in the game of chess, where the queen protects the king, Aunt Helen protected Uncle Asa. Even many years after my uncle passed away, my aunt still spoke of Asa with light in her eyes as she described the happiest years of her life with him. Their happy marriage proves what is possible in a healthy interdependent-style relationship.

Mutual Needs Bind Us Together

“The god of love lives in a state of need. It is a need. It is an urge. It is a homeostatic imbalance. Like hunger and thirst, it’s almost impossible to stamp out.”

– Plato

To form thriving partnerships and long-term committed relationships, it’s our needs that bring us together and keep us together. Without the sharing of needs, no genuine intimacy can exist.

In the 1986 Woody Allen movie Hannah and Her Sisters, Elliot (played by Michael Caine), who’s married to Hannah (played by Mia Farrow), has a wild crush on his wife’s younger sister, Lee. Hannah is remarkably self-sufficient and is always taking care of others, while seeming to have no needs. Her younger sister, Lee, seems to have plenty of needs and expresses them openly. When Hannah confronts her husband Elliot about his