The Sick Wife, Lost Loretta [top 10 motivational books .TXT] 📗

been difficult between you two lately… maybe some couples’ therapy could help.” Like literally, what are the words coming out of my mouth? Why am I saying these things?

“Why are you saying these things?” Gabriel asks me, exactly echoing my thoughts. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“I’m trying to be logical. What if you got together with me, without making sure things were over with her? And regretted not trying harder, and eventually wanted to go back to her?” This headache is really threatening to kill me, and I need to lie down and stop thinking.

“Milla, I’ve made my choice. I’m not going to go back to her.”

“Yes, you are,” I say tearfully. “You’re going to change your mind once she’s there.”

“I’m not.”

“You’ll forget about me when you have a real woman beside you instead of a cell phone.”

“Milla, her mother just texted me that they are outside the house.” He sighs deeply. “I understand your fears. But we both need to have faith now—and this is only going to get harder. Please don’t think I’m so weak and that my words are so empty that I would give up on us easily. I meant everything I said, despite the circumstances.”

“Okay, Gabe,” I say softly. “But are you going to fuck her?”

“I don’t know!”

I end the call. I don’t want him to hear me crying.

I can’t.

I just can’t think about it. I can’t take it.

I have the sinking feeling that I’m about to lose everything. So I just curl up into a ball and hug my pillow tightly, trying to breathe.

He texts me, and I see the notification pop up. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.

I can’t respond right now. I just let the phone lie there, beside me, staring at his messages. I can’t move.

I’ll try to be strong, and wait out this difficult period of time. Maybe it’s just one massive obstacle, a difficult phase we need to survive in the beginning—or maybe it’s the end. I don’t know anything. But my head feels like it’s going to explode.

It’s unbearable.

I don’t think he understands how this feels.

Chapter 14

Day after day passes without me hearing Gabe’s voice. At first there are a lot of text messages, because Yvette is exhausted and sleeping most of the day. I’m still happy on those days. As long as I can text Gabe and feel connected to him, I feel like everything is going to be okay. But as Evie grows stronger, he disappears more and more to spend time with her.

Sometimes I send him messages and they go unread for hours. I stare at my phone feeling sick, unable to cope with the silence. Wondering what he’s doing. Wondering if they’re having a wonderful time together, laughing and talking about old times… wondering if I’m about to lose him. Wondering if he’s happily reconciled with her, and if his life is perfect… wondering if there is no longer any place for me. If he’s fulfilled and secure, comfortable in his domestic bliss… I wonder if I should give up and let him be happy.

But he always comes back.

And all the fear and anxiety melts away, instantly replaced by love.

He doesn’t tell me too much about his time with Yvette. I can tell he’s trying to be respectful and maybe trying to avoid hurting me. But the questions and fears are driving me slowly mad. And the total lack of any time frame for how long I have to continue waiting like this.

My headaches are also getting worse.

I asked Doctor Mike if he could take a look at me, and he said they are probably just tension headaches from stress. Basically, I’m clenching the muscles of my scalp so tightly that it’s like a seatbelt squeezing my skull. Yikes.

Just to be safe, he sent me for an MRI, but they didn’t find anything strange.

That surprised me, because I definitely felt like I had a brain tumor that was about to kill me.

Turns out I’m just in love.

Things between me and Gabe settle into an unsatisfying, uncomfortable rhythm. I get used to never hearing his voice. There are still stolen moments of joy and laughter, but they are so few and far between. It’s getting hard to hold on. I start to let myself go a little, and engage in unhealthy habits.

I start to drink every day. I don’t sleep very well. I barely eat, and when I do, it’s garbage. I start to miss some shifts at work. As we descend into the worst days of winter, depression starts to creep up on me. Slowly at first, but then it just drops on me like a pile of bricks. I actually feel like I’m suffocating under a pile of bricks, all the time.

I try not to bother Gabe about it. I don’t want him to know how weak and pathetic I am. He’s already got one sick wife to take care of. Besides, it’s hard to text someone that you’re unwell and not hear back from them for over twelve hours. I just start to feel like he doesn’t care. Like Veronica doesn’t care. Like no one really gives a damn if I’m around, if I’m alive or dead. I start to feel isolated and withdrawn from everything and everyone.

One day, on the way to work, I am listening to a sad song in my earbuds. I am crossing the street when I notice a yellow taxi cab. The driver seems distracted. Without even thinking, I step into the path of the moving vehicle.

At the last moment, he notices me and slams on the brakes, and I continue walking, pretending like it never happened. But my heart is beating rapidly.

And then, I find myself standing a little too close to the edge of the subway platform. So close that the driver of the train actually pulls the emergency brake. I am startled when I realize what has happened, and that people around are looking