Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

day. But the chances are that Tom doesn’t think it’s safe either, and despite the idea of dog walking alone after dark seeming initially enticing, he would be horrified if you sent him out the door with the dog in the dark. It’s quite possible that Pete isn’t that keen on taking the dog out for its evening walk in all weathers either, but it is one of his chores, before his dad gets home from work and while his mother is busy bathing his younger sibling.

What Tom wants to hear from you is the reason for your decision, whether it is in respect of dog walking, meals in front of the television, bedtime or anything else. Tom may even repeat your reason to Pete (giving it his stamp of approval) the next time Pete boasts about his dog walking, although Tom won’t admit he has done so to you. Children question their parents, but it is surprising just how loyal they are when interacting with their peer group.

If Tom questions you about your decision – and it’s incumbent upon him at this age to do so – it is probably because he wants to hear why you have made the decision you have, nothing more.‘So what age can I take the dog out alone?’he may ask, which you and your partner should consider and make a decision on. If Tom really does want to take your dog out alone (or whatever the issue is), and is not purely seeking reassurance for your decision, then consider a compromise. In the case of dog walking this would be one that maintains the balance between safety and independence; for example, Tom could take the dog round the block after school and before it is dark, as long as this is acceptable to you and in line with your decision on what is safe.

If Tom is really challenging you and persists with‘Why not? Pete does,’etc., and you have explained your position and explored the alternatives (i.e. dog walking earlier in the evening), then restate your position and call an end to the matter, using the 3Rs. Don’t get into further debate: you are the parent and you have made your reasonable decision through your Request. Now Repeat –‘Tom, I have explained why and that is an end to the matter.’If Tom persists, like a worn-out record, then walk away and busy yourself with something else. If he follows you and continues, Repeat and Reaffirm, warning him of the sanction if he persists.‘Tom, that is enough now. If you mention it again you won’t be going to football club.’When a child persistently challenges you on the same point it is not only very wearying for you but designed to wear you down so that you give in and change your mind, so doing what Tom wants. This is disrespectful on Tom’s part, and if he is allowed to get away with it, it will have a knock-on effect on your authority and discipline in the future.

Deal with any challenges as individual incidents and don’t cross-reference them by reminding Tom of other times he has challenged you. Once you have made your decision, stand fast, or else your child will gain unreasonable control.

Don’t compare your child

While it is all right for your child to make comparisons between you and other parents, don’t be tempted yourself to make comparisons between your child and other children. It will undermine your child’s confidence and build up resentment. ‘Why can’t you be like Simon? He is always so polite’ is an absolute no no, and also probably untrue: Simon may be ultra polite with you (children usually are with their friends’ parents), but it could be a very different story at home. Or ‘Aran does his piano practice every evening without being asked.’ Maybe, or more likely that’s what his mother has told you. Or ‘Suneetha likes to wear the pretty dresses her mother buys her. Why don’t you, Claire, instead of those jeans?’ Or ‘I’m sure Lisa wouldn’t speak to her mother like that!’ etc. It’s OK for your child to make comparisons, and you may find yourself comparing your child unfavourably, particularly on a bad day, but don’t ever voice your thoughts. Apart from making your child feel resentful, to do so will give him or her the message that you undervalue what he or she does do right, which will be a lot of things.

Likewise, don’t mention other children’s exam or test results, or dwell on their achievements – ‘Jasmine did so well getting her grade five in ballet’ or ‘I hear Sanjith is top of the class again.’ Pointing out excellence when your child may be struggling will undermine your child’s confidence and make him or her less likely to try new activities and skills. Praise your child for what he or she has achieved, even if it falls a long way short of what others have achieved and what you aspire to for your child. Your child has tried his or her best, and remember children shine in different ways.

Peer pressure – yours

When parents get together they like nothing more than to talk about their children – their offspring’s achievements and how they, the parents, successfully manage their children’s behaviour. It is natural for parents to do so: we are incredibly proud of what we cherish most, and we have been trumpeting our children’s achievements since they were babies. Pooling child-rearing experience can be useful, but don’t be swayed or intimidated by what you hear. I sometimes cringe when I hear a group of mothers (mothers do it more than fathers) expounding their brand of child rearing as being the only way, proved by the exemplary behaviour of their offspring.

If you have managed your child successfully until this age there is no reason to change your rules and guidelines unless you feel something might work better. There will already be additional pressure on you and your child at this