Short Fiction, Edgar Allan Poe [best autobiographies to read TXT] 📗

I was much affected by the kindness of feeling towards me personally, which was evinced in this excellent advice of Mr. Crab, and I did not fail to profit by it forthwith. The result was, that I got rid of the old bore, and began to feel a little independent and gentleman-like. The want of money, however, was, for a few weeks, a source of some discomfort; but at length, by carefully putting to use my two eyes, and observing how matters went just in front of my nose, I perceived how the thing was to be brought about. I say “thing”⁠—be it observed⁠—for they tell me the Latin for it is rem. By the way, talking of Latin, can anyone tell me the meaning of quocunque⁠—or what is the meaning of modo?

My plan was exceedingly simple. I bought, for a song, a sixteenth of the Snapping-Turtle:⁠—that was all. The thing was done, and I put money in my purse. There were some trivial arrangements afterwards, to be sure; but these formed no portion of the plan. They were a consequence⁠—a result. For example, I bought pen, ink, and paper, and put them into furious activity. Having thus completed a magazine article, I gave it, for appellation, “Fol Lol, by the Author of ‘The Oil-of-Bob,’ ” and enveloped it to the Goosetherumfoodle. That journal, however, having pronounced it “twattle” in the “Monthly Notices to Correspondents,” I reheaded the paper “ ‘Hey-Diddle-Diddle,’ by Thingum Bob, Esq., Author of the Ode on ‘The Oil-of-Bob,’ and Editor of the Snapping-Turtle.” With this amendment, I re-enclosed it to the Goosetherumfoodle, and, while I awaited a reply, published daily, in the Turtle, six columns of what may be termed philosophical and analytical investigation of the literary merits of the Goosetherumfoodle, as well as of the personal character of the editor of the Goosetherumfoodle. At the end of a week the Goosetherumfoodle discovered that it had, by some odd mistake, “confounded a stupid article, headed ‘Hey-Diddle-Diddle’ and composed by some unknown ignoramus, with a gem of resplendent lustre similarly entitled, the work of Thingum Bob, Esq., the celebrated author of ‘The Oil-of-Bob.’ ” The Goosetherumfoodle deeply “regretted this very natural accident,” and promised, moreover, an insertion of the genuine “Hey-Diddle-Diddle” in the very next number of the magazine.

The fact is, I thought⁠—I really thought⁠—I thought at the time⁠—I thought then⁠—and have no reason for thinking otherwise now⁠—that the Goosetherumfoodle did make a mistake. With the best intentions in the world, I never knew anything that made as many singular mistakes as the Goosetherumfoodle. From that day I took a liking to the Goosetherumfoodle, and the result was I soon saw into the very depths of its literary merits, and did not fail to expatiate upon them, in the Turtle, whenever a fitting opportunity occurred. And it is to be regarded as a very peculiar coincidence⁠—as one of those positively remarkable coincidences which set a man to serious thinking⁠—that just such a total revolution of opinion⁠—just such entire bouleversement (as we say in French)⁠—just such thorough topsiturviness (if I may be permitted to employ a rather forcible term of the Choctaws), as happened, pro and con, between myself on the one part, and the Goosetherumfoodle on the other, did actually again happen, in a brief period afterwards, and with precisely similar circumstances, in the case of myself and the Rowdy-Dow, and in the case of myself and the Hum-Drum.

Thus it was that, by a masterstroke of genius, I at length consummated my triumphs by “putting money in my purse,” and thus may be said really and fairly to have commenced that brilliant and eventful career which rendered me illustrious, and which now enables me to say, with Chateaubriand, “I have made history”⁠—“J’ai fait l’histoire.”

I have indeed “made history.” From the bright epoch which I now record, my actions⁠—my works⁠—are the property of mankind. They are familiar to the world. It is, then, needless for me to detail how, soaring rapidly, I fell heir to the Lollipop⁠—how I merged this journal in the Hum-Drum⁠—how again I made purchase of the Rowdy-Dow, thus combining the three periodicals⁠—how, lastly, I effected a bargain for the sole remaining rival, and united all the literature of the country in one magnificent magazine, known everywhere as the

Rowdy-Dow, Lollipop, Hum-Drum,
and
Goosetherumfoodle.

Yes; I have made history. My fame is universal. It extends to the uttermost ends of the earth. You cannot take up a common newspaper in which you shall not see some allusion to the immortal Thingum Bob. It is Mr. Thingum Bob said so, and Mr. Thingum Bob wrote this, and Mr. Thingum Bob did that. But I am meek and expire with an humble heart. After all, what is it?⁠—this indescribable something which men will persist in terming “genius?” I agree with Buffon⁠—with Hogarth⁠—it is but diligence after all.

Look at me!⁠—how I labored⁠—how I toiled⁠—how I wrote! Ye Gods, did I not write? I knew not the word “ease.” By day I adhered to my desk, and at night, a pale student, I consumed the midnight oil. You should have seen me⁠—you should. I leaned to the right. I leaned to the left. I sat forward. I sat backward. I sat upon end. I sat tete baissée (as they have it in the Kickapoo), bowing my head close to the alabaster page. And, through all, I⁠—wrote. Through joy and through sorrow, I⁠—wrote. Through hunger and through thirst, I⁠—wrote. Through good report and through ill report, I⁠—wrote. Through sunshine and through moonshine, I⁠—wrote. What I wrote it is unnecessary to say. The style!⁠—that was the thing. I caught it from Fatquack⁠—whizz!⁠—fizz!⁠—and I am giving you a specimen of it now.

Nil sapientiæ odiosius acumine nimio.

At Paris, just after