A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court, Mark Twain [microsoft ebook reader .TXT] 📗

out⁠—where hang⁠—where do they hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of a truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and is prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventure learn it. Where do they hang out. Even so! already it falleth trippingly from my tongue, and forasmuch as⁠—”

“Don’t forget the cowboys, Sandy.”

“Cowboys?”

“Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to tell me about them. A while back, you remember. Figuratively speaking, game’s called.”

“Game⁠—”

“Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your statistics, and don’t burn so much kindling getting your fire started. Tell me about the knights.”

“I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And⁠—”

“Great Scott!”

You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had set her works a-going; it was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down to those facts. And she generally began without a preface and finished without a result. If you interrupted her she would either go right along without noticing, or answer with a couple of words, and go back and say the sentence over again. So, interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if he let her monotony drip on him right along all day.

“Great Scott!” I said in my distress. She went right back and began over again:

“So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And⁠—”

“Which two?”

“Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, and there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses in the abbey, and so they rode forth till they came to a great forest; then was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree. And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there hung a white shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon the shield⁠—”

“Now, if I hadn’t seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, I wouldn’t believe it. But I’ve seen it, and I can just see those creatures now, parading before that shield and acting like that. The women here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I mean your best, too, society’s very choicest brands. The humblest hello-girl along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur’s land.”

“Hello-girl?”

“Yes, but don’t you ask me to explain; it’s a new kind of a girl; they don’t have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when they are not the least in fault, and he can’t get over feeling sorry for it and ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it’s such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is, no gentleman ever does it⁠—though I⁠—well, I myself, if I’ve got to confess⁠—”

“Peradventure she⁠—”

“Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn’t ever explain her so you would understand.”

“Even so be it, sith ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that despite to the shield. Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a knight in this country that owneth this white shield, and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved again, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of⁠—”

“Man of prowess⁠—yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. Man of brains⁠—that is a thing they never think of. Tom Sayers⁠—John Heenan⁠—John L. Sullivan⁠—pity but you could be here. You would have your legs under the Round Table and a ‘Sir’ in front of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses of the Court in another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn’t a squaw in it who doesn’t stand ready at the dropping of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his belt.”

“⁠—and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. Now, what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the king’s son of Ireland.”

“Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn’t mean anything. And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump this gully.⁠ ⁠… There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in the circus; he is born before his time.”

“I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as any is on live.”

“On live. If you’ve got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic. But it isn’t any matter.”

“⁠—for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, and then may those knights match him on horseback, and that is more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer to see a knight’s shield dishonored. And therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then were they ware where