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big hug until she was able to talk again. Amber had no idea how much time passed. Finally she extracted herself and had a sip of water.

“Thanks, Joan.”

“Of course.” The older woman’s face was full of concern and love. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I… I was assaulted.”

“Oh, Amber… That’s terrible. Have you been to the police? What happened?”

Salty tears and snot ran down the back of Amber’s throat. “Ellis…”

“Ellis? Ellis assaulted you?” It was subtle, but it was there. Joan moved away, just slightly. “Ellis assaulted you? Where?”

“At their place. I went over to see Megan and Ben and they weren’t there, but Ellis was and he… And he…”

“And he what?” The kindness and concern hadn’t entirely disappeared, but it was drying up fast, replaced by a firmness in Joan’s tone.

“He tried to…”

“Amber, I’m confused. What happened? Did Ellis assault you or not?”

“I … He tried to.”

“He tried to? What is ‘tried to’?” Joan let out a long sigh. “Oh, Amber… I thought we were finished with all this nonsense. We don’t want any more of these silly games.”

“Games?”

“Ellis is Ben’s father. We have to make the best of that. Even you. Oh, you foolish girl. I thought you had learned.”

“Joan, he —”

“He what? Almost assaulted you? Nearly assaulted you?” Joan stood.

“Yes.”

Joan rolled her eyes.

“Why… why don’t you believe me?”

“I would love to believe you. Just like I would have loved to believe you that you weren’t stalking him and making up crazy stories. Or that you had changed and would make a real effort now that Ben is here.”

The lounge room was suddenly smaller, the walls closing in around them. If Amber didn’t do something, they would squash her.

“I didn’t… This isn’t my fault… He… ”

“You don’t always get things your own way. That’s life. Deal with it. Now, give me your glass, I’ll get you some fresh water.”

Amber remained glued to her seat. She wanted to run and hide, except where would she run to? Where would she ever feel safe again?

53

As the sun took over the sky, Amber made her way to the owner’s cottage.

Something wasn’t right. Usually the smell of food hit her on the way in. This morning there was nothing. Joan and Megan were at the table, Megan on her phone. Joan looked like she was about to cry. She had half a grapefruit sitting in front of her, regarding it like the piece of fruit was something she had retrieved from Lion’s kitty litter.

“What’s with the grapefruit?” Amber asked.

“Oh, please, don’t you start as well,” Joan said. “Megan hasn’t stopped going on about it.”

“Mum is trying to be healthy. Although she doesn’t seem to realise she needs to do more than just stare at it.”

“Stop it, Megan.”

“Good for you, Joan.”

“Not much point cooking if there is no one to cook for.”

“Stop being such a drama queen. Ben is only gone for a few days. I’m still here. And Ellis. And we’ll never be rid of Beetroot.”

“I’m not sunburnt anymore, Megan.”

“So? Still funny.”

Joan picked up her spoon, face as sour as what she was trying to eat.

“Don’t know why you’re bothering, Mum. Thirty years ago, sure. But what’s the point now?”

“Stop it, Megan. There is no reason to be cruel.”

A healthier diet wouldn’t hurt Megan either, but Amber stayed out of it.

“Too bad, Amber. You come to mooch at breakfast and there’s nothing here,” Megan said, enjoying herself. “Actually, you can have some of Mum’s grapefruit if you want. She’s not going to touch it. No, scratch that. You probably like grapefruit.”

“I didn’t come for food. I came to speak to Joan.”

“Fine, speak away.”

“Alone.”

“Whatever. I’ve got a hot date anyway.” Megan stood. “Oh, we’re going to Bellies in Port Simmons for brunch. Do you need the address?”

“Why would I need the address?”

“Make it easier for you to spy on us.”

Amber didn’t take the bait.

“Whatever. I’m off to eat some nice greasy food. Sausages and eggs and bacon. Enjoy your grapefruit, Mum.”

She stomped out.

“That girl…” Joan said, spoon hovering.

It was like watching an untrained person attempt to do surgery. The first incision caused the grapefruit to squirt in all directions. Joan put the utensil back down, repulsed.

“What can I do for you, Amber?”

Bugs swarmed through Amber’s veins. She had to jump in and do it. Why couldn’t she be at work right now, killing someone? Even a tough assignment would be easier than this.

“I have to talk to you, Joan.”

“Okay…”

“No, really talk to you, and you have to listen.”

“I always listen.”

Amber moved the grapefruit to the far end of the table, which was a relief for both of them.

“Joan, Ellis assaulted me.”

“Oh, Amber,” Joan said in her well-worn disappointed tone.

“Stop. Just listen to what I’m saying,” Amber said impassively. “I’m not looking for sympathy or any type of action. I simply need you to comprehend this.” She took her time. “He almost raped me.”

“What is ‘almost’ raped?” Still cynical.

“He held me down and attempted to pull my clothes off me. He absolutely would have raped me if Megan and Ben hadn’t got home.”

The old lady’s features softened slightly.

“I need you to know this happened and I’m not making it up.”

“When was this?”

“Does it matter?”

“Answer the question, please.”

“Eighteen years ago. Just after Ben was born.”

“Oh, Amber,” Joan said, reaching across and putting a hand on Amber’s. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did.”

Joan froze, completely at a loss.

54

Joan crinkled her eyes. “What do you mean you told me?”

“Immediately after it happened. I was upset. I didn’t know where to go. I came and saw you.”

“Where was this?”

“McKinnon Road. You turned me away.”

It was clear Joan had no idea what she was on about, filling Amber with elation and disappointment. She had carried this for so long; how could Joan not even remember? And if she didn’t, Amber felt she was assaulting the old woman with the information, like an unprovoked attack. Still, it was important to plough on.

“Joan?”

“Don’t be silly,” Joan said, ripping her hand away.”If you had told me that, I would

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