Psmith, Journalist, P. G. Wodehouse [top 5 ebook reader .txt] 📗

a more important matter. Don’t put away that notebook. Turn to a clean page, moisten your pencil, and write as follows. Are you ready? By the way, what is your Christian name?⁠ ⁠… Gooch, Gooch, this is no way to speak! Well, if you are sensitive on the point, we will waive the Christian name. It is my duty to tell you, however, that I suspect it to be Percy. Let us push on. Are you ready, once more? Pencil moistened? Very well, then. ‘I’⁠—comma⁠—‘being of sound mind and body’⁠—comma⁠—‘and a bright little chap altogether’⁠—comma⁠—Why, you’re not writing.”

“Let me out,” bellowed Mr. Gooch. “I’ll summon you for assault and battery. Playing a fool game like this! Get away from that door.”

“There has been no assault and battery yet, Comrade Gooch, but who shall predict how long so happy a state of things will last? Do not be deceived by our gay and smiling faces, Comrade Gooch. We mean business. Let me put the whole position of affairs before you; and I am sure a man of your perception will see that there is only one thing to be done.”

He dusted the only chair in the room with infinite care and sat down. Billy Windsor, who had not spoken a word or moved an inch since the beginning of the interview, continued to stand and be silent. Mr. Gooch shuffled restlessly in the middle of the room.

“As you justly observed a moment ago,” said Psmith, “the staff of Cosy Moments is taking big risks. We do not rely on your unsupported word for that. We have had practical demonstration of the fact from one J. Repetto, who tried some few nights ago to put us out of business. Well, it struck us both that we had better get hold of the name of the blighter who runs these tenements as quickly as possible, before Comrade Repetto’s next night out. That is what we should like you to give us, Comrade Gooch. And we should like it in writing. And, on second thoughts, in ink. I have one of those patent non-leakable fountain pens in my pocket. The Old Journalist’s Best Friend. Most of the ink has come out and is permeating the lining of my coat, but I think there is still sufficient for our needs. Remind me later, Comrade Gooch, to continue on the subject of fountain pens. I have much to say on the theme. Meanwhile, however, business, business. That is the cry.”

He produced a pen and an old letter, the last page of which was blank, and began to write.

“How does this strike you?” he said. “ ‘I’⁠—(I have left a blank for the Christian name: you can write it in yourself later)⁠—‘I, blank Gooch, being a collector of rents in Pleasant Street, New York, do hereby swear’⁠—hush, Comrade Gooch, there is no need to do it yet⁠—‘that the name of the owner of the Pleasant Street tenements, who is responsible for the perfectly foul conditions there, is⁠—’ And that is where you come in, Comrade Gooch. That is where we need your specialised knowledge. Who is he?”

Billy Windsor reached out and grabbed the rent collector by the collar. Having done this, he proceeded to shake him.

Billy was muscular, and his heart was so much in the business that Mr. Gooch behaved as if he had been caught in a high wind. It is probable that in another moment the desired information might have been shaken out of him, but before this could happen there was a banging at the door, followed by the entrance of Master Maloney. For the first time since Psmith had known him, Pugsy was openly excited.

“Say,” he began, “youse had better beat it quick, you had. Dey’s coming!”

“And now go back to the beginning, Comrade Maloney,” said Psmith patiently, “which in the exuberance of the moment you have skipped. Who are coming?”

“Why, dem. De guys.”

Psmith shook his head.

“Your habit of omitting essentials, Comrade Maloney, is going to undo you one of these days. When you get to that ranch of yours, you will probably start out to gallop after the cattle without remembering to mount your mustang. There are four million guys in New York. Which section is it that is coming?”

“Gum! I don’t know how many dere is ob dem. I seen Spider Reilly an’ Jack Repetto an’⁠—”

“Say no more,” said Psmith. “If Comrade Repetto is there, that is enough for me. I am going to get on the roof and pull it up after me.”

Billy released Mr. Gooch, who fell, puffing, on to the low bed, which stood in one corner of the room.

“They must have spotted us as we were coming here,” he said, “and followed us. Where did you see them, Pugsy?”

“On de street just outside. Dere was a bunch of dem talkin’ togedder, and I hears dem say you was in here. One of dem seen you come in, an dere ain’t no ways out but de front, so dey ain’t hurryin’! Dey just reckon to pike along upstairs, lookin’ into each room till dey finds you. An dere’s a bunch of dem goin’ to wait on de street in case youse beat it past down de stairs while de udder guys is rubberin’ for youse. Say, gents, it’s pretty fierce, dis proposition. What are youse goin’ to do?”

Mr. Gooch, from the bed, laughed unpleasantly.

“I guess you ain’t the only assault-and-battery artists in the business,” he said. “Looks to me as if someone else was going to get shaken up some.”

Billy looked at Psmith.

“Well?” he said. “What shall we do? Go down and try and rush through?”

Psmith shook his head.

“Not so, Comrade Windsor, but about as much otherwise as you can jolly well imagine.”

“Well, what then?”

“We will stay here. Or rather we will hop nimbly up on to the roof through that skylight. Once there, we may engage these varlets on fairly equal terms. They can only get through one at a time. And while they are doing it I will give my