Major Barbara, George Bernard Shaw [bookstand for reading txt] 📗

Dolly? Cusins Patiently. No. I have been making a night of it with the nominal head of this household: that is all. Lady Britomart Andrew made you drunk! Cusins No: he only provided the wine. I think it was Dionysos who made me drunk. To Barbara. I told you I was possessed. Lady Britomart You’re not sober yet. Go home to bed at once. Cusins I have never before ventured to reproach you, Lady Brit; but how could you marry the Prince of Darkness? Lady Britomart It was much more excusable to marry him than to get drunk with him. That is a new accomplishment of Andrew’s, by the way. He usen’t to drink. Cusins He doesn’t now. He only sat there and completed the wreck of my moral basis, the rout of my convictions, the purchase of my soul. He cares for you, Barbara. That is what makes him so dangerous to me. Barbara That has nothing to do with it, Dolly. There are larger loves and diviner dreams than the fireside ones. You know that, don’t you? Cusins Yes: that is our understanding. I know it. I hold to it. Unless he can win me on that holier ground he may amuse me for a while; but he can get no deeper hold, strong as he is. Barbara Keep to that; and the end will be right. Now tell me what happened at the meeting? Cusins It was an amazing meeting. Mrs. Baines almost died of emotion. Jenny Hill went stark mad with hysteria. The Prince of Darkness played his trombone like a madman: its brazen roarings were like the laughter of the damned. 117 conversions took place then and there. They prayed with the most touching sincerity and gratitude for Bodger, and for the anonymous donor of the 5,000 pounds. Your father would not let his name be given. Lomax That was rather fine of the old man, you know. Most chaps would have wanted the advertisement. Cusins He said all the charitable institutions would be down on him like kites on a battlefield if he gave his name. Lady Britomart That’s Andrew all over. He never does a proper thing without giving an improper reason for it. Cusins He convinced me that I have all my life been doing improper things for proper reasons. Lady Britomart Adolphus: now that Barbara has left the Salvation Army, you had better leave it too. I will not have you playing that drum in the streets. Cusins Your orders are already obeyed, Lady Brit. Barbara Dolly: were you ever really in earnest about it? Would you have joined if you had never seen me? Cusins Disingenuously. Well⁠—er⁠—well, possibly, as a collector of religions⁠— Lomax Cunningly. Not as a drummer, though, you know. You are a very clearheaded brainy chap, Dolly; and it must have been apparent to you that there is a certain amount of tosh about⁠— Lady Britomart Charles: if you must drivel, drivel like a grownup man and not like a schoolboy. Lomax Out of countenance. Well, drivel is drivel, don’t you know, whatever a man’s age. Lady Britomart In good society in England, Charles, men drivel at all ages by repeating silly formulas with an air of wisdom. Schoolboys make their own formulas out of slang, like you. When they reach your age, and get political private secretaryships and things of that sort, they drop slang and get their formulas out of The Spectator or The Times. You had better confine yourself to The Times. You will find that there is a certain amount of tosh about The Times; but at least its language is reputable. Lomax Overwhelmed. You are so awfully strong-minded, Lady Brit⁠— Lady Britomart Rubbish! Morrison comes in. What is it? Morrison If you please, my lady, Mr. Undershaft has just drove up to the door. Lady Britomart Well, let him in. Morrison hesitates. What’s the matter with you? Morrison Shall I announce him, my lady; or is he at home here, so to speak, my lady? Lady Britomart Announce him. Morrison Thank you, my lady. You won’t mind my asking, I hope. The occasion is in a manner of speaking new to me. Lady Britomart Quite right. Go and let him in. Morrison Thank you, my lady. He withdraws. Lady Britomart Children: go and get ready. Sarah and Barbara go upstairs for their out-of-door wrap. Charles: go and tell Stephen to come down here in five minutes: you will find him in the drawing room. Charles goes. Adolphus: tell them to send round the carriage in about fifteen minutes. Adolphus goes. Morrison At the door. Mr. Undershaft. Undershaft comes in. Morrison goes out. Undershaft Alone! How fortunate! Lady Britomart Rising. Don’t be sentimental, Andrew. Sit down. She sits on the settee: he sits beside her, on her left. She comes to the point before he has time to breathe. Sarah must have 800 pounds a year until Charles Lomax comes into his property. Barbara will need more, and need it permanently, because Adolphus hasn’t any property. Undershaft Resignedly. Yes, my dear: I will see to it. Anything else? for yourself, for instance? Lady Britomart I want to talk to you about Stephen. Undershaft Rather wearily. Don’t, my dear. Stephen doesn’t interest me. Lady Britomart He does interest me. He is our son. Undershaft Do you really think so? He has induced us to bring him into the world; but he chose his parents very incongruously, I think. I see nothing of myself in him, and less of you. Lady Britomart Andrew: Stephen is an excellent son, and a most steady, capable, highminded young man. You are simply trying to find an excuse for disinheriting him. Undershaft My dear Biddy: the Undershaft tradition disinherits him. It would be dishonest of me to leave the cannon foundry to my son. Lady Britomart It would be most unnatural and improper of you to leave it to anyone else, Andrew. Do you suppose this wicked and immoral tradition can be kept up forever? Do you pretend that Stephen could not carry on the foundry