Antic Hay, Aldous Huxley [whitelam books .txt] 📗

cut suit may make the difference between an appointment gained and an appointment lost, an interview granted and an interview refused. But the most masterly examples I can think of,” Mr. Boldero went on with growing enthusiasm, “are those American advertisements of spectacles, in which the manufacturers first assume the existence of a social law about goggles, and then proceed to invoke all the sanctions which fall on the head of the committer of a solecism upon those who break it. It’s masterly. For sport or relaxation, they tell you, as though it was a social axiom, you must wear spectacles of pure tortoiseshell. For business, tortoiseshell rims and nickel earpieces lend incisive poise⁠—incisive poise, we must remember that for our ads, Mr. Gumbril. ‘Gumbril’s Patent Small-Clothes lend incisive poise to business men.’ For semi-evening dress, shell rims with gold earpieces and gold nose-bridge. And for full dress, gold-mounted rimless pince-nez are refinement itself, and absolutely correct. Thus we see, a social law has been created, according to which every self-respecting myope or astigmat must have four distinct pairs of glasses. Think if he should wear the all-shell sports model with full dress! Revolting solecism! The people who read advertisements like that begin to feel uncomfortable; they have only one pair of glasses, they are afraid of being laughed at, thought low-class and ignorant and suburban. And since there are few who would not rather be taken in adultery than in provincialism, they rush out to buy four new pairs of spectacles. And the manufacturer gets rich, Mr. Gumbril. Now, we must do something of the kind with our trousers. Imply somehow that they’re correct, that you’re undressed without, that your fiancée would break off the engagement if she saw you sitting down to dinner on anything but air.” Mr. Boldero shrugged his shoulders, vaguely waved his hand.

“It may be rather difficult,” said Gumbril, shaking his head.

“It may,” Mr. Boldero agreed. “But difficulties are made to be overcome. We must pull the string of snobbery and shame: it’s essential. We must find out methods for bringing the weight of public opinion to bear mockingly on those who do not wear our trousers. It is difficult at the moment to see how it can be done. But it will have to be done, it will have to be done,” Mr. Boldero repeated emphatically. “We might even find a way of invoking patriotism to our aid. ‘English trousers filled with English air, for English men.’ A little farfetched, perhaps. But there might be something in it.”

Gumbril shook his head doubtfully.

“Well, it’s one of the things we’ve got to think about in any case,” said Mr. Boldero. “We can’t afford to neglect such powerful social emotions as these. Sex, as we’ve seen, is almost entirely out of the question. We must run the rest, therefore, as hard as we can. For instance, there’s the novelty business. People feel superior if they possess something new which their neighbours haven’t got. The mere fact of newness is an intoxication. We must encourage that sense of superiority, brew up that intoxication. The most absurd and futile objects can be sold because they’re new. Not long ago I sold four million patent soap-dishes of a new and peculiar kind. The point was that you didn’t screw the fixture into the bathroom wall; you made a hole in the wall and built the soap-dish into a niche, like a holy water stoup. My soap-dishes possessed no advantages over other kinds of soap-dishes, and they cost a fantastic amount to instal. But I managed to put them across, simply because they were new. Four million of them.” Mr. Boldero smiled with satisfaction at the recollection. “We shall do the same, I hope, with our trousers. People may be shy of being the first to appear in them; but the shyness will be compensated for by the sense of superiority and elation produced by the consciousness of the newness of the things.”

“Quite so,” said Gumbril.

“And then, of course, there’s the economy slogan. ‘One pair of Gumbril’s Patent Small-Clothes will outlast six pairs of ordinary trousers.’ That’s easy enough. So easy that it’s really uninteresting.” Mr. Boldero waved it away.

“We shall have to have pictures,” said Gumbril, parenthetically. He had an idea.

“Oh, of course.”

“I believe I know of the very man to do them,” Gumbril went on. “His name’s Lypiatt. A painter. You’ve probably heard of him.”

“Heard of him!” exclaimed Mr. Boldero. He laughed. “But who hasn’t heard of Lydgate.”

“Lypiatt.”

“Lypgate, I mean, of course.”

“I think he’d be the very man,” said Gumbril.

“I’m certain he would,” said Mr. Boldero, not a whit behindhand.

Gumbril was pleased with himself. He felt he had done someone a good turn. Poor old Lypiatt; be glad of the money. Gumbril remembered also his own fiver. And remembering his own fiver, he also remembered that Mr. Boldero had as yet made no concrete suggestion about terms. He nerved himself at last to suggest to Mr. Boldero that it was time to think of this little matter. Ah, how he hated talking about money! He found it so hard to be firm in asserting his rights. He was ashamed of showing himself grasping. He always thought with consideration of the other person’s point of view⁠—poor devil, could he afford to pay? And he was always swindled and always conscious of the fact. Lord, how he hated life on these occasions! Mr. Boldero was still evasive.

“I’ll write you a letter about it,” he said at last.

Gumbril was delighted. “Yes, do,” he said enthusiastically, “do.” He knew how to cope with letters all right. He was a devil with the fountain pen. It was these personal, hand-to-hand combats that he couldn’t manage. He could have been, he always felt, such a ruthless critic and satirist, such a violent, unscrupulous polemical writer. And if ever he committed his autobiography to paper, how breath-takingly intimate, how naked⁠—naked without so much as a healthy sunburn to colour the whiteness⁠—how quiveringly a sensitive jelly it would be! All the things he had never told anyone would be in it.