Love Among the Chickens, P. G. Wodehouse [top non fiction books of all time .TXT] 📗

and with the same air of quiet triumph, at intervals of thirty seconds by a little man in a snuff-coloured suit with a purple tie. Nobody ever answered him, or appeared to listen to him, but he seemed each time to think that he had clinched the matter and cornered his opponent.

Other voices chimed in.

“You hit him, Charlie. Go on. You hit him.”

“We’ll have the law.”

“Go on, Charlie.”

Flushed with the favour of the many-headed, Charlie now proceeded from threats to action. His right fist swung round suddenly. But Beale was on the alert. He ducked sharply, and the next moment Charlie was sitting on the ground beside his fallen friend. A hush fell on the Ring, and the little man in the purple tie was left repeating his formula without support.

I advanced. It seemed to me that the time had come to be conciliatory. Charlie was struggling to his feet, obviously anxious for a second round, and Beale was getting into position once more. In another five minutes conciliation would be out of the question.

“What’s all this?” I said.

I may mention here that I do not propose to inflict dialect upon the reader. If he has borne with my narrative thus far, I look on him as a friend, and feel that he deserves consideration. I may not have brought out the fact with sufficient emphasis in the foregoing pages, but nevertheless I protest that I have a conscience. Not so much as a “thiccy” shall he find.

My advent caused a stir. Excited men left Beale, and rallied round me. Charlie, rising to his feet, found himself dethroned from his position of Man of the Moment, and stood blinking at the setting sun and opening and shutting his mouth. There was a buzz of conversation.

“Don’t all speak at once, please,” I said. “I can’t possibly follow what you say. Perhaps you will tell me what you want?”

I singled out a short, stout man in grey. He wore the largest whiskers ever seen on human face.

“It’s like this, sir. We all of us want to know where we are.”

“I can tell you that,” I said, “you’re on our lawn, and I should be much obliged if you would stop digging your heels into it.”

This was not, I suppose, Conciliation in the strictest and best sense of the word; but the thing had to be said. It is the duty of every good citizen to do his best to score off men with whiskers.

“You don’t understand me, sir,” he said excitedly. “When I said we didn’t know where we were, it was a manner of speaking. We want to know how we stand.”

“On your heels,” I replied gently, “as I pointed out before.”

“I am Brass, sir, of Axminster. My account with Mr. Ukridge is ten pounds eight shillings and fourpence. I want to know⁠—”

The whole strength of the company now joined in.

“You know me, Mr. Garnet. Appleby, in the High⁠—” (Voice lost in the general roar).

“… and eightpence.”

“My account with Mr. Uk⁠ ⁠…”

“… settle⁠ ⁠…”

“I represent Bodger⁠ ⁠…”

A diversion occurred at this point. Charlie, who had long been eyeing Beale sourly, dashed at him with swinging fists, and was knocked down again. The whole trend of the meeting altered once more, Conciliation became a drug. Violence was what the public wanted. Beale had three fights in rapid succession. I was helpless. Instinct prompted me to join the fray; but prudence told me that such a course would be fatal.

At last, in a lull, I managed to catch the Hired Retainer by the arm, as he drew back from the prostrate form of his latest victim. “Drop it, Beale,” I whispered hotly, “drop it. We shall never manage these people if you knock them about. Go indoors, and stay there while I talk to them.”

“Mr. Garnet, sir,” said he, the light of battle dying out of his eyes, “it’s ’ard. It’s cruel ’ard. I ain’t ’ad a turn-up, not to call a turn-up, since I’ve been a time-expired man. I ain’t hitting of ’em, Mr. Garnet, sir, not hard I ain’t. That there first one of ’em he played me dirty, hittin’ at me when I wasn’t looking. They can’t say as I started it.”

“That’s all right, Beale,” I said soothingly. “I know it wasn’t your fault, and I know it’s hard on you to have to stop, but I wish you would go indoors. I must talk to these men, and we shan’t have a moment’s peace while you’re here. Cut along.”

“Very well, sir. But it’s ’ard. Mayn’t I ’ave just one go at that Charlie, Mr. Garnet?” he asked wistfully.

“No, no. Go in.”

“And if they goes for you, sir, and tries to wipe the face off you?”

“They won’t, they won’t. If they do, I’ll shout for you.”

He went reluctantly into the house, and I turned again to my audience.

“If you will kindly be quiet for a moment⁠—” I said.

“I am Appleby, Mr. Garnet, in the High Street. Mr. Ukridge⁠—”

“Eighteen pounds fourteen shillings⁠—”

“Kindly glance⁠—”

I waved my hands wildly above my head.

“Stop! stop! stop!” I shouted.

The babble continued, but diminished gradually in volume. Through the trees, as I waited, I caught a glimpse of the sea. I wished I was out on the Cob, where beyond these voices there was peace. My head was beginning to ache, and I felt faint for want of food.

“Gentlemen,” I cried, as the noise died away.

The latch of the gate clicked. I looked up, and saw a tall thin young man in a frock coat and silk hat enter the garden. It was the first time I had seen the costume in the country.

He approached me.

“Mr. Ukridge, sir?” he said.

“My name is Garnet. Mr. Ukridge is away at the moment.”

“I come from Whiteley’s, Mr. Garnet. Our Mr. Blenkinsop having written on several occasions to Mr. Ukridge, calling his attention to the fact that his account has been allowed to mount to a considerable figure, and having received no satisfactory reply, desired me to visit him. I am sorry that he is not at home.”

“So am I,” I said with feeling.

“Do you expect him to return