Gifting Fire, Alina Boyden [books to read for self improvement .txt] 📗

Karim sat on my bedside, just inches away from me, and I didn’t know if he was testing me, or if he was just unaware of how viscerally horrified I was to be sitting so close to him, with no weapons, and no one to protect me other than Sikander. But he hadn’t stopped Karim the first time, and he hadn’t kept him out of my room this time. I’d thought maybe after the things I’d said to him yesterday that he would have been at least willing to keep Karim at arm’s length, but I supposed I’d just been imagining his regret.

“Do you remember when you came to the palace in Rajkot with Arjun?” Karim asked.

My mind drifted back to that night, not so long ago. I’d been wrapped in Arjun’s arms then, and Karim had been staring at me with hungry eyes, offering money for a night with me. And I’d refused him. I’d had the power then to refuse him. How bitterly ironic it was that after everything I’d been through, after everything I’d worked for, I didn’t have that power now.

“I remember,” I whispered, wondering if he was bringing it up now only to gloat.

“I behaved foolishly that night,” he said, the apologetic tone in his voice taking me completely by surprise. “I didn’t understand your worth then. But I do now. That’s why I made this marriage alliance, that is why I will honor you as my first wife, even though you cannot bear me any children.”

He’d phrased it as if it were an act of kindness on his part, as if an ordinary marriage was far too good for a barren hijra like me. But I said nothing, because I didn’t have it in me to thank him, not after everything he’d done, and I knew that showing the anger I was feeling would just make everything so much worse. So I sat there in silence, head bowed, waiting for him to finish saying whatever it was that he wanted to say.

“You may not have chosen me,” he allowed, “but you’re a smart girl. I know that eventually you will realize that this is best for you, and best for your sisters. Someday soon, I will be the sultan of Nizam and Mahisagar, and you will be my sultana, and with your mind and my sword, we will soon find ourselves rulers of all Daryastan.”

I didn’t miss the meaning of his words. Ruling all of Daryastan meant conquering Virajendra, but Registan too. It meant conquering Bikampur. It meant killing Arjun. If he thought for one second that I would fight against Arjun for him, then he had lost his mind.

“And while my dream is that one day we will work together in harmony, until you come to your senses and I can be sure that I can trust you, I will keep a very close eye on you,” he warned, at last showing me the real reason for his visit. He reached forward and brushed back my hair with his fingers, and though I found his touch repulsive, it was gentle. “But I’m not going to hurt you, so there’s no need for all of this fear.”

I frowned, wondering what he meant by that, realizing only upon reflection that my entire body was as rigid as a marble statue, that I had scarcely drawn breath since he had entered the room, that my heart was hammering hard enough in my chest that he must have seen my pulse in the veins in my neck. My cheeks burned. I’d thought I was doing a better job of hiding my emotions than I had been.

“I’m sorry, your highness,” I said.

“For what?” Karim asked. “Trying to have me killed yesterday, or being afraid of me now?”

“They’re connected, are they not, your highness?” I replied.

He chuckled at that. I was scanning his face frantically, trying to work out what emotion was lurking behind those dark eyes of his. He was smiling at me, and he seemed amused, but it was so hard to tell sometimes with men like Karim. I’d had quite a few clients like him, clients whose moods could change in a flash, and who took special pleasure in hurting the girls who offended them.

“I don’t hold it against you,” he said, which I believed not at all. “You’re headstrong, and you’re usually able to win these little contests. But I’m not Arjun, and I’m not your father. I’m not going to lose. The sooner you accept that and make your peace with it, the happier we will both be, my darling.”

He leaned forward then and kissed me on the cheek, and Sikander lifted not a finger to stop him. I didn’t know if I was grateful for that or not, if stopping him from kissing me would make my life harder or easier. I just knew that I hated it, and I didn’t want it, and I was powerless to stop it on my own.

“I’ll leave you to get dressed. My father and mother are eager to see you this morning.” Karim stood up, bowed to me like a courtier, and breezed from the room.

I let out a sound that was half sigh and half whimper the instant he was gone. I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my face in them, my whole body shaking with fear and disgust. So this was what I had to look forward to every morning from now on? God, if not for the hope I had in my plans, I’d have killed myself from despair.

“I’m sorry, your highness.”

I glanced up at Sikander, whose mouth was a hard line, his brow knitted with worry. I hadn’t expected him to apologize to me. He never had before.

“For what?” I asked.

His jaw tensed, and so did his fists, but he wasn’t angry with me, I didn’t think. If I’d had to guess, I’d have said he was angry with himself.

“I’m