A Man Could Stand Up—, Ford Madox Ford [ebook reader macos .txt] 📗

mad with joy? To become bear-ward to a man who had got rid of all his furniture and did not know the porter⁠—mad without joy!

It turned out to be worse than she expected. She had expected to turn the handle of a door of a tall empty room; in a space made dim with shutters she would see him, looking suspiciously round over his shoulder, a grey badger or a bear taken at its dim occupations. And in uniform. But she was not given time even to be ready. In the last moment she was to steel herself incredibly. She was to become the cold nurse of a shell-shock case.

But there was not any last moment. He charged upon her. There in the open. More like a lion. He came, grey all over, his grey hair⁠—or the grey patches of his hair⁠—shining, charging down the steps, having slammed the hall door. And lopsided. He was carrying under his arm a diminutive piece of furniture. A cabinet.

It was so quick. It was like having a fit. The houses tottered. He regarded her. He had presumably checked violently in his clumsy stride. She hadn’t seen because of the tottering of the houses. His stone-blue eyes came fishily into place in his wooden countenance⁠—pink and white. Too pink where it was pink and too white where it was white. Too much so for health. He was in grey homespuns. He should not wear homespuns or grey. It increased his bulk. He could be made to look⁠ ⁠… Oh, a fine figure of a man, let us say!

What was he doing? Fumbling in the pocket of his clumsy trousers. He exclaimed⁠—she shook at the sound of his slightly grating, slightly gasping voice:⁠—

“I’m going to sell this thing.⁠ ⁠… Stay here.” He had produced a latchkey. He was panting fiercely beside her. Up the steps. He was beside her. Beside her. Beside her. It was infinitely sad to be beside this madman. It was infinitely glad. Because if he had been sane she would not have been beside him. She could be beside him for long spaces of time if he were mad. Perhaps he did not recognise her! She might be beside him for long spaces of time with him not recognising her. Like tending your baby!

He was stabbing furiously at the latchhole with his little key. He would: that was normal. He was a stab-the-keyhole sort of clumsy man. She would not want that altered. But she would see about his clothes. She said: “I am deliberately preparing to live with him for a long time!” Think of that! She said to him:

“Did you send for me?”

He had the door open: he said, panting⁠—His poor lungs!:

“No.” Then: “Go in!” and then: “I was just going.⁠ ⁠…”

She was in his house. Like a child.⁠ ⁠… He had not sent for her.⁠ ⁠… Like a child faltering on the sill of a vast black cave.

It was black. Stone flags. Pompeian red walls scarred pale-pink where fixed hall-furniture had been removed. Was it here she was going to live?

He said, panting, from behind her back:

“Wait here!” A little more light fell into the hall. That was because he was gone from the doorway.

He was charging down the steps. His boots were immense. He lolloped all over on one side because of the piece of furniture he had under his arm. He was grotesque, really. But joy radiated from his homespuns when you walked beside him. It welled out; it enveloped you.⁠ ⁠… Like the warmth from an electric heater, only that did not make you want to cry and say your prayers⁠—the haughty oaf.

No, but he was not haughty. Gauche, then! No, but he was not gauche.⁠ ⁠… She could not run after him. He was a bright patch, with his pink ears and silver hair. Gallumphing along the rails in front of the eighteenth century houses. He was eighteenth century all right.⁠ ⁠… But then the eighteenth century never went mad. The only century that never went mad. Until the French Revolution: and that was either not mad or not eighteenth century.

She stepped irresolutely into the shadows; she returned irresolutely to the light.⁠ ⁠… A long hollow sound existed: the sea saying: Ow, Ow, Ow along miles and miles. It was the armistice. It was Armistice Day. She had forgotten it. She was to be cloistered on Armistice Day! Ah, not cloistered! Not cloistered there. My beloved is mine and I am his! But she might as well close the door!

She closed the door as delicately as if she were kissing him on the lips. It was a symbol. It was Armistice Day. She ought to go away; instead she had shut the door on⁠ ⁠… Not on Armistice Day! What was it like to be⁠ ⁠… changed!

No! She ought not to go away! She ought not to go away! She ought not! He had told her to wait. She was not cloistered. This was the most exciting spot on the earth. It was not her fate to live nunlike. She was going to pass her day beside a madman; her night; too.⁠ ⁠… Armistice Night! That night would be remembered down unnumbered generations. Whilst one lived that had seen it the question would be asked: What did you do on Armistice Night? My beloved is mine and I am his!

The great stone stairs were carpetless: to mount them would be like taking part in a procession. The hall came in straight from the front door. You had to turn a corner to the right before you came to the entrance of a room. A queer arrangement. Perhaps the eighteenth century was afraid of draughts and did not like the dining-room door near the front entrance.⁠ ⁠… My beloved is⁠ ⁠… Why does one go one repeating that ridiculous thing. Besides it’s from the Song of Solomon, isn’t it? The Canticle of Canticles! Then to quote it is blasphemy when one is⁠ ⁠… No, the essence of prayer is volition, so the essence of blasphemy is volition. She did not