The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce [the alpha prince and his bride full story free txt] 📗

Father

Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:

 

“Be good, be good!” the sisterhood

Cry out in holy chorus,

And, to dissuade from sin, parade

Their various charms before us.

 

But why, O why, has ne’er an eye

Seen her of winsome manner

And youthful grace and pretty face

Flaunting the White Cross banner?

 

Now where’s the need of speech and screed

To better our behaving?

A simpler plan for saving man

(But, first, is he worth saving?)

 

Is, dears, when he declines to flee

From bad thoughts that beset him,

Ignores the Law as ‘t were a straw,

And wants to sin — don’t let him.

 

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do me?

 

CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person

from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction

and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: “The furrier

gets the skins of more foxes than asses.”

 

CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a

barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of

its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is

the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual

love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the

wounds of an arrow — of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art

grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work —

this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on

the doorstep of prosperity.

 

CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The

desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one

of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

 

CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This

is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is

commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a

cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of

life insurance.

 

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,

not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of

plucking out a cynic’s eyes to improve his vision.

D

DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning

of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to

have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree

of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it

expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently

occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning “joy.” It

would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion

conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.

 

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably

with arms about your neighbor’s wife or daughter. There are many

kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two

sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously

innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

 

DANGER, n.

 

A savage beast which, when it sleeps,

Man girds at and despises,

But takes himself away by leaps

And bounds when it arises.

 

Ambat Delaso

 

DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in

security.

 

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,

whose important function is to brand the Pope’s bulls with the words

Datum Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of

God.

 

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men

prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk

with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then

point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy

health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,

not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find

only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the

others who have tried it.

 

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period

is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day

improper — the former devoted to sins of business, the latter

consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity

overlap.

 

DEAD, adj.

 

Done with the work of breathing; done

With all the world; the mad race run

Though to the end; the golden goal

Attained and found to be a hole!

 

Squatol Johnes

 

DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has

had the misfortune to overtake it.

 

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.

 

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet

Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,

Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,

Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;

So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,

Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,

Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,

And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

 

Barlow S. Vode

 

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number — just enough

to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to

embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the

Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

 

Thou shalt no God but me adore:

‘Twere too expensive to have more.

 

No images nor idols make

For Robert Ingersoll to break.

 

Take not God’s name in vain; select

A time when it will have effect.

 

Work not on Sabbath days at all,

But go to see the teams play ball.

 

Honor thy parents. That creates

For life insurance lower rates.

 

Kill not, abet not those who kill;

Thou shalt not pay thy butcher’s bill.

 

Kiss not thy neighbor’s wife, unless

Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

 

Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete

Successfully in business. Cheat.

 

Bear not false witness — that is low —

But “hear ‘tis rumored so and so.”

 

Cover thou naught that thou hast not

By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

 

G.J.

 

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences

over another set.

 

A leaf was riven from a tree,

“I mean to fall to earth,” said he.

 

The west wind, rising, made him veer.

“Eastward,” said he, “I now shall steer.”

 

The east wind rose with greater force.

Said he: “‘Twere wise to change my course.”

 

With equal power they contend.

He said: “My judgment I suspend.”

 

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,

Cried: “I’ve decided to fall straight.”

 

“First thoughts are best?” That’s not the moral;

Just choose your own and we’ll not quarrel.

 

Howe’er your choice may chance to fall,

You’ll have no hand in it at all.

 

G.J.

 

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

 

DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

 

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one’s ancestors.

The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it

required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes

of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of

sneering at “men who live in these degenerate days,” which is perhaps

why they suffered him to beg his bread — a marked instance of

returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he

would certainly have starved.

 

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from

private station to political preferment.

 

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the

Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its

name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O’Dactyl, as the man

pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

 

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.

Variously pronounced.

 

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that

comes in sets.

 

DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one’s bread to determine which

side it is buttered on.

 

DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away

the sins (and sinners) of the world.

 

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising

Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many

other goodly sons and daughters.

 

All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee

The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;

For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,

Would fly abandoned Virtue’s gross advances.

 

Mumfrey Mappel

 

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,

pulls coins out of your pocket.

 

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another’s generosity for the support

which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

 

DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.

The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and

an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.

When accidentally struck by the janitor’s broom, he gives off a cloud

of dust.

 

“Chief Deputy,” the Master cried,

“To-day the books are to be tried

By experts and accountants who

Have been commissioned to go through

Our office here, to see if we

Have stolen injudiciously.

Please have the proper entries made,

The proper balances displayed,

Conforming to the whole amount

Of cash on hand — which they will count.

I’ve long admired your punctual way —

Here at the break and close of day,

Confronting in your chair the crowd

Of business men, whose voices loud

And gestures violent you quell

By some mysterious, calm spell —

Some magic lurking in your look

That brings the noisiest to book

And spreads a holy and profound

Tranquillity o’er all around.

So orderly all’s done that they

Who came to draw remain to pay.

But now the time demands, at last,

That you employ your genius vast

In energies more active. Rise

And shake the lightnings from your eyes;

Inspire your underlings, and fling

Your spirit into everything!”

The Master’s hand here dealt a whack

Upon the Deputy’s bent back,

When straightway to the floor there fell

A shrunken globe, a rattling shell

A blackened, withered, eyeless head!

The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

 

Jamrach Holobom

 

DESTINY, n. A tyrant’s authority for crime and fool’s excuse for

failure.

 

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s

pulse and purse.

 

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest

from disorders of the bowels.

 

DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one’s life, which he can

relate to himself without blushing.

 

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ

All that he had of wisdom and of wit.

So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,

Erased all entries of his own and cried:

“I’ll judge you by your diary.” Said Hearst:

“Thank you; ‘twill show you I am Saint the First” —

Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,

That record from a pocket in his shroud.

The Angel slowly turned the pages o’er,

Each stupid line of which he knew before,

Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit

On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;

Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.

“My friend, you’ve wandered from your proper track:

You’d never be content this side the tomb —

For big ideas Heaven has little room,

And Hell’s no latitude for making mirth,”

He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.