The Missing, Kiersten Modglin [ebook reader online free txt] 📗

He rested his hand on my knee, almost as if he’d read my mind, but didn’t meet my eye as he said, “I don’t regret it, you know. You might… I wouldn’t blame you. But I don’t.” He swallowed, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob. “I just thought you should know.”

I nodded, processing.

“And…if they’re gone, that doesn’t change how I feel about…well, anything. I meant what I said when we made our pact. I won’t hurt you.”

“I know that,” I assured him.

He hesitated, then released a nervous laugh. “Can you let me know where your head is? Because I’m kind of freaking out a little bit.”

I knew what he wanted, but I didn’t know if I could give it to him. I couldn’t say all he needed to hear. I waited for the guilt over last night to hit me, but to my surprise, it didn’t. Did that mean I was ready to give my husband up? To accept that my marriage was over? That I was never going home? What if Ned was still out there looking for me? What if I was wrong that he’d given up? Could I ever live with the guilt of knowing I gave up before he did? Was I willing to give up my decade-long marriage for Noah, who despite everything, was still practically a stranger? My thoughts raced as I tried to sort through them all. I had an Island Future and a Home Future waging war in my mind, with no sign of either side winning out anytime soon.

“Sorry, I’m…I’m still processing, I think. I don’t want to give up on them, you know? And I don’t want to give up on Ned either, despite what we did last night. I know that’s not what you want to hear, and—”

“I just want to hear the truth. I don’t have any expectations here.”

“The truth is, I don’t regret it either. And I’d never hurt you. You know that. I’m not sure where my head is, honestly. But what we did…it was good, Noah. It was what I needed to survive the storm. You’re what I need to survive here.” I nudged his shoulder gently, trying to lighten the mood. “You’ve saved me in more ways than one.”

He gripped my knee tighter, a loving gesture, and I hoped that was good enough for him for the moment. “I keep thinking I’m going to see one of them swimming up, you know? Like they somehow made it. I just can’t—” His voice caught, and he cleared his throat. “I hated them for what they tried to do to us, but I still feel connected to them somehow.” His brow furrowed, lips drawn tight.

“I do, too,” I assured him. “After all we went through together, I think that’s normal. The five of us…” Two now. “What we’ve experienced together, we’ll never be able to share that with anyone else.”

“So what if we really can’t go back?” he blurted out. “Ever. What if this is it? Will you be okay with it? With living here—on the island, with me—forever?”

I thought over my answer before giving it to him, choosing my words carefully. “I want to go home. I won’t lie about that. But, to be honest, I don’t even know what that would look like for me. It’s not like I could go home now and pretend none of this happened. And I’ll keep my word to you, of course. If we never get rescued, if we’re stuck here forever, keeping each other safe and alive, I would be okay with that.” I smirked. “There are worse places to spend eternity. Worse people to spend it with.”

His half smile was forced and unnatural. “You say that now, but…what about a year from now? How are we going to make this work? I just…I think reality is beginning to set in for me, and—”

Realizing what he was saying, I felt something in my stomach tighten. “Are you not going to be okay with it?” I asked. My weapon was several feet away, and I had no desire to use it on him. Was he planning to attack me? Had last night made him realize he couldn’t spend the rest of his life with me even if I was the last woman on his figurative earth?

He spun toward me in the sand, reaching for my legs. “No, hey… No, it’s not that at all. We’re good, Katy. This isn’t about me. I’m good. I’ll miss my family, my friends, my job…but I know I could be happy here. I really could. I just, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s just you and me now, and I don’t want to start getting attached to that idea, attached to the possibility of what life could look like for us here, for you to change your mind. And I don’t want it to feel forced because we’re literally the only people here.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off.

“And I’m not trying to, like, demand that you make a vow to me or anything right now. I understand you’re still in love with your husband. I understand that you’re still married. It’s why I haven’t pushed the issue since our kiss in the jungle that night. I wanted to give you space. But you obviously like me, and I care about you… I’m just trying to figure out where to set my boundary…my expectations. Because this is the rest of our lives, and I’m just not handling it well…” He trailed off, shaking his head and looking away.

“Noah, I care about you, too. And I’m not only saying that because you’re the only person left for me to care about. You’ve been a good friend to me, even when you were pretending to be a jerk. I do love Ned. I won’t lie to you about that. But I could love you, given time. And it seems like that’s what we’re going to have here.”

“Selfishly, I