Must Love Cowboys: This steamy and heart-warming cowboy rom-com is a must-read! (Once Upon A Time In, Carly Bloom [pocket ebook reader .TXT] 📗

“You’d better cover them titties,” Ford said, nodding at Bubba’s chest. “She’s hungry.”

Alice sipped her cocktail—it had an actual cock in it, hardy har-har—and waited for her team member to pass the cucumber. They were taking turns sculpting them with pumpkin-carving tools. They each had just a few seconds to whittle before passing the cucumber on to the next person. At the end of the game, they’d compare cucumbers to see which team’s sculpture most resembled a penis. And at the end of it all, the prize would be . . . a penis-shaped flashlight! . . . to go along with the penis necklaces and the penis unicorn horn headbands.

“Alice,” Claire said. “What’s the plural form of penis? Is it peni?”

“No,” Alice said. “It’s penises.”

“I figured it might be like octopi or hippopotami,” Maggie said.

Claire gave Maggie a poke. “Stop talking and start carving.” Then she leaned over and whispered, “This party blows.”

“Oops!” Maggie said. “I just decapitated our penis.”

The young women at the next table giggled and whispered as the timer buzzed, and Maggie passed the cucumber to Alice. “Here. Fix it.”

“I heard them refer to our table as the senior citizen section,” Claire said, nodding at their competition.

“I’m a proud senior citizen,” Miss Mills said. “Alice, it looks like you’re carving the Washington Monument. Have you never seen a penis?”

Nobody knew who had invited Miss Mills, but she’d dutifully shown up and insisted on leading an opening prayer before the penis unicorn horn headbands were passed out.

Alice felt badly for the pointy penis. Maybe she could save it, but it would be hard to carve a glans into it. Maybe she’d forgo the glans entirely and try to carve the dorsal vein.

Beau’s rather large penis popped into her head—Boing!—and she momentarily forgot where she was or what she was doing. The result was another large chunk taken out of the cucumber.

“Oh my God,” Maggie said.

Alice examined it. “It’s not that bad. Maybe I can—”

“Henry is here.”

“Hi, Mama!” Henry said, running up and giving Maggie a big hug. “What’cha doing?”

Maggie gasped and ripped the penis horn off of her head. “Nothing. What are you doing here?”

“I’m only nine. It’s not like I can stay in the motel room by myself.”

Someone at the next table stood up. “Um, Brittany? More elderlies have shown up, and they’ve brought kids.”

Alice turned to see Ford and Gabriel standing at the door. Ford was carrying Rosa and pulling Maisy in a wagon, and Gabriel had Brianna in a backpack.

There was a flurry of activity as everyone began shoving penises into their purses and underneath tablecloths and, in some awkward cases, sitting on them.

Brittany looked like she might start crying again, so her uncle—the same one she’d been trying to fix Alice up with—started strumming his ukulele in an attempt to soothe her.

“We’re just here for the show,” Gabriel said. “You ladies can just carry on with whatever you were doing.”

Ford swatted at the penis horn on Claire’s head and said, “And what was it you were doing?”

Claire pulled the headband off. “What the heck, Ford? Y’all are a bunch of party crashers.”

Ford shrugged and whispered, “It doesn’t look like much of a party.”

“There is no show,” Brittany said. “The strippers aren’t coming.”

Alice had been the only person at the party who wasn’t disappointed about it. She had a problem with the objectification of women or men. And also, with all the needless thrusting, she was afraid someone could get hurt.

Carmen walked onto the stage and cleared her throat. “May I have your attention? I know we’re all bitterly disappointed that the Mount ’Em Cowboys had to cancel, but I’m excited to announce that we have a plan B. So, everyone, please raise your voices and lower your expectations for the Just Buckin’ Around Boys!”

A few people clapped, but not enough to cover the sounds of Brittany crying.

Ford dragged a chair over, and he and Rosa sat next to Claire as Carmen wheeled a cake onto the stage. This generated some excitement, and when the music began and the top of the cake burst open, the women clapped and whistled with vigor.

After a small struggle, Bubba popped out, wearing a grin as big as his hat. Then, as the intro to “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” rang out, Travis, JD, Beau, and Bryce strutted onto the stage.

Alice covered her mouth with her hand, and then she burst out laughing.

“They lost them’s shirts,” Maisy said with a tiny shrug. When she spotted Travis, she shouted, “Hi, Daddy! Daddy, over here!”

Travis smiled and made a heart sign with his hands, and the women went nuts.

“That was the sound of about twenty pairs of ovaries exploding,” Claire said.

“Yeah,” Maggie sighed. “I’m pretty sure Travis just made me pregnant again.”

“I think he might have even made me pregnant,” Miss Mills said. “And I no longer have a uterus.”

Little Brianna bounced in her backpack. “Let me out, Papa!”

Gabriel turned so that Ford could extract Brianna. She ran straight to JD, who picked her up and put her on his shoulders.

By now, all of the men were line dancing, just like they did on Saturday nights at Tony’s, only shirtless. And they were pretty dang good at it. Bubba served as their front man, wowing the crowd with his unexpectedly agile—and sexy—moves.

“Come on, Ford,” Claire said, rising. “Let’s go join them.”

“Dammit,” Ford said, following Claire with Rosa in his arms. “I thought I dodged the plan B bullet.”

Maggie and Travis followed with Henry and Maisy, leaving Alice sitting at the table with Miss Mills. Someone tapped her on the shoulder and she looked up to see Beau. In all the commotion, she hadn’t even noticed he’d left the stage. “Come on, darlin’. And you, too, Miss Mills.”

“Beau, I don’t know the steps. Believe it or not, I’ve never line danced.”

Miss Mills stood up. “Oh, heavens. I’ll teach you.”

By the time they got to the stage, everyone in