Most Talkative: Stories From the Front Lines of Pop Culture, Andy Cohen [the best books to read txt] 📗

I am there with them feeling it all, which I usually am. And when I feel something, my eyes tend to get a little glassy-looking. (I have very dry eyes, so this is, in fact, semi-common.) My face usually registers a look that I assume mirrors my feeling of empathy and conveys to whomever I’m speaking to that we’re on this journey together. At least, that’s what I’ve always thought. Now that I’ve seen myself on TV, I know that that look is also similar to the way a baby looks when it is pooping or moments away from wailing. In either case, it sometimes allows whomever I’m talking with to emote along with me. But in the case of Mr. Smiley, he wasn’t going there. I was so in the moment, though, that before I knew it, I realized that I had actual tears running down my face. In my peripheral vision, blurred though it was by a cataract, even more tears ready to spill out, I saw the camera pointed directly at me, and I dissolved in terror. I cannot be seen on national television weeping for Slade. I’m the only one crying on this set! At that thought, I started surreptitiously dabbing at the tears on my cheeks, wondering what Slade—who was still talking—must be thinking. Then I started simultaneously laughing and trying not to laugh, over my self-induced tears for Slade Smiley, which was even more inappropriate than the crying had been a moment before. After all, the man was still pouring his heart out to me.

I guess that’s why these reunions are so universal: You laugh, you cry, and then you laugh again. What these women are living out on TV are just exaggerated versions of our own lives. Sure, many of them have money and houses with big closets stuffed with furs and jewels and shoes to-die-for, but in the end, the things they wrestle with are the same things we all wrestle with: love, family, friendship … betrayal. Who hasn’t longed for an opportunity to set the record straight or to finally just say how they’ve really been feeling? Maybe next time I head home for a high school reunion, I should try to lock eyes with a couple of my classmates and get them to spill their guts about things they thought they were long over. Hey, now that I’m thinking about it, shouldn’t I have gotten the invitation for my next reunion by now? Maybe it’s lost in the mail. Clayton High School Reunion Planning Committee, call me!

*   *   *

In 2009, NBC broadcast a special celebrating the best sketches from The Women of Saturday Night Live. They shot one original sketch, written by Paula Pell and Emily Spivey, which was a brilliant parody of pretty much every Housewives reunion show we’ve ever done. Shooting this sketch, surrounded by my favorite hilarious women, on a re-creation of that horrible RHNJ Season 1 set with Tina Fey, Cheri Oteri, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Nora Dunn, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, Rachel Dratch, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Amy Poehler, and Laraine Newman was one of the high points of my career. If anyone had told me I’d get to play myself on SNL, I would’ve said they were high.

Andy Cohen sits in a gorgeous overstuffed chair flanked by the ladies: MOLLY, MAYA, TINA, and NORA on one side and ANA, RACHEL, CHERI, and KRISTEN on the other side. They look amazing: hair big and coiffed and they are dressed outrageously to the nines. The set is perfection, blue background, chandeliers, candelabras.

ANDY

Hello everyone, I’m Andy Cohen, and welcome to the Women of SNL reunion show. I am thrilled to be a part of this gathering. I’m such a huge fan of all of you, so this is truly an honor. Here with me today is—

CHERI

You bet your ass it’s an honor.

[They all chuckle daintily.]

ANDY

Exactly! An honor. Thank you, Cheri.

[As Andy introduces the ladies, we cut to each one of them as they smolder to camera.]

ANDY (cont’d)

Let’s welcome Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Tina Fey, Nora Dunn, Ana Gasteyer, Rachel Dratch, Cheri Oteri, Kristen Wiig, and, joining us from Los Angeles, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Amy Poehler, and Laraine Newman.

[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine.]

AMY/JULIA/LARAINE: (ad-lib hellos)

[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set.]

[They all ad-lib hellos.]

ANDY

You all have had such wonderful years at SNL. I wanna catch up on your lives since you left. Nora Dunn, let’s start with you. You look amazing.

NORA

Thank you, Andy.

ANDY

Has it been difficult for you since your divorce from the Count?

NORA

I am a Countess, but I am not going to discuss the Count.

[Cut to: All the ladies looking uncomfortable.]

CHERI

She don’t wanna talk about the Count!

NORA

I want to talk about my new exercise video.

ANDY

Oh, yes, you have an exercise video.

NORA

It’s fantastic, Andy. All the exercises are designed for you to do while you’re doing other things, like getting your legs sanded or going to the opening of Billy Bush’s new restaurant. It’s called “The Classy Countdown to Fitness: Working Out with the Countess.”

KRISTEN (O.S.)

Maya could use a classy workout.

ANDY

Uh, somebody over here said something. Was that you, Kristen? What did you say?

KRISTEN

I said Maya is not classy. And she knows it. She is not classy, because she is not.

MAYA

Don’t! You. Even. Begin to.

[Maya fumes at Kristen.]

[Cut to: All the ladies looking uncomfortable.]

ANDY

All right, let’s talk a little bit about what went on between you two.

KRISTEN

I was leaving the SNL after party and as I was heading to my car she was hiding in the shadows and reached out and pulled my weave.

MAYA

I didn’t pull your weave!

KRISTEN

Oh, yeah? Well, who pulled my weave, then? Who pulled my weave? A ghost? A hobo? ’Cause I’ve got it right here. Look at this, look at this …

[Kristen pulls out a hunk of hair.]

[Cut to: The ladies gasping.]

ANDY

Wait a minute, wait a minute, is that the actual weave piece that you pulled out of her head?

MAYA

No, because I did not pull her weave! Why would I pull her weave? If I’m gonna