I Am What I Am, John Barrowman [smart ebook reader .txt] 📗

called it. I had a pink ring, a green ring, a red ring …

9 And a few men.

10 Just call me Henry Higgins.

11 I admire him in others, too, of course.

12 Go, Binny Bots!

13 I know. Hard to imagine.

14 Read Anything Goes if you want to know more.

15 The final was in two parts.

TABLE TALK #4

1 Made perfect sense to him … to me, too.

2 Carole and Scott had to arm-wrestle for the last pair.

3 I signed across Jack’s back.

4 Try teaching that to your cat.

5 Seriously. As if a warning sign was all you bloody needed to protect yourself from wandering lions.

6 I wouldn’t have been surprised to find actual bees in it.

7 Trust me. I’ve seen a lot in my day.

8 Yes, only two.

9 I’m rubbish with details like this.

10 Did I mention I was a proper celebrity?

11 Sounds like a nightclub I went to once.

12 Which I couldn’t make myself eat.

13 And good chocolate, if you’re lucky.

14 Who could blame them?

15 Aw, shit. That’s an emu. See? I know nothing.

CHAPTER SEVEN

1 This became a ritual. During rehearsals for TTN, I’d always introduce Chaka Khan as a guest. She never was.

2 In the interest of full disclosure, I grabbed all of them.

3 Not just my habit – a family, and a Glasgow, tradition.

4 More than once.

5 Which Scott attests to.

6 Not easy to do when their morality is so rigid.

7 Nothing worth writing about.

8 Even his famous fish sticks didn’t help.

TABLE TALK #5

1 Because she’d never expect such silliness from me.

2 Carole took a picture – see the illustrated section.

3 Scott may even have kicked me a little with his foot.

4 At least this time, I told him which ones.

5 And even when we don’t.

6 Feet rubbing is usually Scott’s job.

CHAPTER EIGHT

1 I used to pretend to be her in the playground at primary school.

2 Relax. No ‘life is a box of chocolates’ here.

3 Yeah, like you’ve never done it.

4 Careful.

5 The dog was created from the likeness of a stray that Gav and Stu, his husband, befriended while on a holiday.

6 Because this gay man gives so many ‘beer mats’ as gifts.

7 Oh, my.

8 You can.

9 Insane … I know.

10 Um, forty-something and still very youthful …

11 Mo – as we called her.

12 Mel, stop shouting at me!

13 Remember Mel? I made her buy high heels.

14 Well, a TV version: Mum, Dad, Scott, Carole and me.

15 Long time since those words have been in a sentence together.

16 And without dropping her, of course.

17 I did and they performed a short piece for me.

18 It serves the best soups.

19 Or VTs, as they’re known in the biz.

20 It’s all me behind the curtains.

21 Am not! I don’t meddle.

22 A ‘greet’ means ‘a good cry’. As in, ‘Ach, son, have a wee greet. You’ll feel better.’

23 And quite a few women.

24 Ouch – they’d been taped on.

25 Minus the gun sound effects, though.

26 Imagine that!

27 A football! Honestly, people.

28 I was the host – three notches.

29 I worked hard to get where I am. Of course I watch my own shows.

CHAPTER NINE

1 Keith Richards, eat your heart out.

2 Eeew! Don’t go there. They’re my parents!

3 I’ll stop that now, now, now.

4 Like most days.

5 Stop it. On stage.

6 It is.

7 Bob Firth is my uncle, not yours. His wife, Ruby, from Sandyhills, has been my mum’s friend since childhood.

8 I’m serious. It’s a traditional Scottish reel; I’m especially good at it.

9 That does not make me the Panto Queen.

10 I’m donning my tights again with Paul and playing Robin Hood in Cardiff in 2009 – and more exciting surprises to come after that.

11 Oh no, I’m so not starting that …

12 And sometimes with Scott, too.

13 Or ‘dunch’, as Clare and Turner called it when they were kids.

14 Next time.

15 There was still some of that.

16 That’s why I’m out working so hard … to pay for the remodelling.

17 Nespresso, anyone?

18 Oh, man, that was difficult to do.

19 Ah, who among us didn’t? She’s twenty-two now, if you’re keeping track.

20 That has to be the only thing they have in common.

21 Okay. Not one of the very first things.

22 Ah, the power of the web, the radio and fans.

23 I was so bummed that I couldn’t go.

24 I’m so there – schedule permitting.

25 Sounds like a naff buddy movie – or the sign you’d be looking for after drinking way too much.

26 The recording word for ‘headphones’.

27 Sometimes this track stays in my head and keeps me moving outside the recording studio.

28 ‘Fantastic, fantastic, fantastic!’ T-shirts available.

29 Thanks to all my mates at BBC Radio 2: Elaine Paige; her producer, Malcolm Prince; Steve Wright; and Jonathan Ross.

30 Please, it’s me.

31 You know what I say: ‘If life gives you lemons, make a vodka tonic.’

32 I said ‘hoofer’, not ‘woofter’ …

TABLE TALK #6

1 Yes. With the capitals.

2 I blame Clare.

3 I mean that phrase in all that it implies.

4 I have to say, the Comic-Con world is pretty balanced in its gender geekiness.

5 Except for the cats. Emily loves cats, Carole not so much.

6 Almost. She does not own a lightsaber.

7 Note not Storm …

8 It was the Bionic Woman!

9 Really not an excessive amount of alcohol, given there were six of us at dinner.

10 In these situations, Scott is usually bringing up the rear …

11 Not my fault. Just because they didn’t know the plan when we left the restaurant.

12 In the interests of health and safety, I’m noting here that it’s naughty.

13 I made up this number to protect the innocent. Plus, I can’t remember the real one.

14 Actually, she yelled. Clare can’t whisper to save herself.

CHAPTER TEN

1 Especially Canadian Tire.

2 Not mine!

3 Both shows are incredibly popular in Canada.

4 Don’t know what came over me. Never done that before.

5 She’d come to Toronto from Milwaukee to spend the weekend.

6 Thanks, Mel!

7 I’m a businessman too, you know.

8 And Clare didn’t have anything to do with it.

9 Who knows when they were planning to tell us?

TABLE TALK #7

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